welcome to my room. careful now, there are traps hahaha! here I well talk about my day, answer questions if you have any and display my awesome poetry that daily pops into my head. I have one poem that rings in my head and yes all my poems are original so you can't have them! hahaha!
"March of lost souls"
the dark biting air stings my eyes
screams from the past swirl in my ears
my heart becomes heavy with sober and sorrow
I shiver and quake, they have come to take me away
march on oh lost ones of the past
souls trapped in the haze of time, wanting to be free
march on oh lost ones, march like a parade of a hundred demons

I have more but I think one for now is ok

Sounds like you're in a dark place, EA. Are you managing day-to-day?

I'm in a mild place. its not easy and its very taxing on my body but I'm managing fair. I guess all that stress I managed to seal away has finally come back to bite me. I'm getting sick more often and I'm lacking the energy even to open my eyes or stay awake.

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 29, 2015, 09:27:24 AM
I'm in a mild place. its not easy and its very taxing on my body but I'm managing fair. I guess all that stress I managed to seal away has finally come back to bite me. I'm getting sick more often and I'm lacking the energy even to open my eyes or stay awake.

Well, in case it hasn't already happened, make sure you're screened for depression.

I agree with Suzi that getting screened for depression would be very beneficial for you because the effects of depression can really take all of your energy away from you. Talking to your doctors and therapist would be a wonderful step in helping you gain some energy in your life back. Big hugs
Mariah

I would love to get screened but all my doctors suck when it comes to my care except my gp. I try to find doctors who care enough and I find gatekeepers and apathetic doctors

I have to make a confession. please don't yell at me 

So sorry to hear that. I take it your doctor options are limited where you live then. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 29, 2015, 10:38:23 AM
I would love to get screened but all my doctors suck when it comes to my care except my gp. I try to find doctors who care enough and I find gatekeepers and apathetic doctors

No need to worry about that, but we do give lots of hugs. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 29, 2015, 12:13:21 PM
I have to make a confession. please don't yell at me 

very. I'd have to travel to either Penn or NYC to even have a chance of finding a good doctor. anyways, I'm up a creek. Thursday when I thought my vase was settled and it wasn't, I had a mental meltdown. well long story short, I did  what I swore I never do and made an order. its sitting down next to my laptop. right now because of my bad emotional control and impulsivity, my mother is seeking complete control over all my decision making which includes medical decisions. although she is cool and all, she might not allow me to transition even if its against medical advice. I got desperate and now I'm in trouble.

OMG! after all these years, my heart rate and pulse have finally calmed down in went back into the normal. my head doesnt feel as crowded anymore and i could of swore i felt a little smile crack, not to much, just a little twitch.

this poem is about a willow tree. the willow tree once was strong and free, until one day tragedy happened. the willow tree's tears were so hollow, so unimaginable filled with such sorrow, they reversed time itself and all who touch the water will revert back and become lost to time itself. no its not about me, just a story, thats all               
                  weeping willow
the willow tree leans, searching for light
it branches slouching, unable to stop looking down
its tears fall like rain from its dark green grassy leaves
forming a puddle, a river that flows backwards
all who touches, will become lost to time

Sad and moving poem.

May I ask what it is that fills you with such sorrow?

what fills me with such sorrow. hmm, that list is rather extensive. more importantly though, i just want to be selfish you know. i want to do something for me and only me and not give a rat's tail about again else, just for a little while.

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on May 01, 2015, 06:57:20 AM
what fills me with such sorrow. hmm, that list is rather extensive. more importantly though, i just want to be selfish you know. i want to do something for me and only me and not give a rat's tail about again else, just for a little while.

Yes, I do understand. Sometimes you must tend to your own needs before you're any good to anyone else, right?

Suzi is right we really do need to look out for ourselves in order to look out for others. My mom's doctor kept preaching that too me 2 years ago and I kept wondering why because I felt I was dealing with all my issues, but truth was I wasn't and you could see it. Now when I take my mom to the same doctor the subject doesn't come up anymore because I have now done exactly that. Hugs
Mariah

imma start cutting down my posting. starting to feel like there are very few threads i can actually interact in which is also getting me down.

I feel itchy and I couldn't stop eating all day long.  plus I didn't feel sleepy all day. just now I'm getting sleepy and this is the normal time I should be heading to bed, well 10-11 really but I wake up refreshed and not groggy o:

I was also looking for a place to write or express stuff (like poetry or just feelings)... is the blog area the best place for that?

I can understand somewhat where you're coming from Echo.  In my teens I was drawn to dark stuff too, and now.. I'm more fighting against the darkness. Sometimes it's useless struggling, and finding some kind of expression (like poetry, or singing, etc) would really help to bring out some of the stuff in us. There's just not many we can share with, unfortunately. People just don't understand, and ... depression is just a label, put on something deeper that's going on. Maybe there's some good doctors out there, but they don't really know the heart, they know what they've been taught, and chemicals.

So I say, keep expressing yourself. One way or another. I liked your poems, though I don't totally relate to them because of where I am now. But, that's the point, isn't it? To express from where we find our own vantage points. Interact in that light. Making our way through, hopefully towards better... towards growing meaningfulness.

not sure about the blog area. well I like to write dark and gloomy poems. I'm one of Nyx and Erebus's children so darkness is my home. lots of cool stuff I can do xD darkness isn't always evil. its how one uses it and perceives it to be. in the beginning before the universe was born, darkness was all that was there. darkness doesn't always equal evil as light doesn't always equal good.