I'm really beating myself up today.

Yesterday, with T letter in hand, I went to an appointment with my doctor. She was ready to write me a script for T. But I left the office saying "I have a few more questions--I'll email you."

I chickened out.

Because all I could think of was how I'd ruin my husband's life (he doesn't want to be in our marriage if I transition) and how I'd humiliate my parents (not out to them, they would not support if they knew) by beginning medical transition.

I'm pretty deep in a depression now. I can't figure out what to do from here.

Clever, your fears and concerns are reasonable and understandable. Anytime we have to way our families needs and concerns when considering our own is tricky. Having to way your marriage and transition against each other is no picnic. Sounds like something that would be good to talk over with your therapist because ulimtatly you need to decide what you want to do about both your marriage and your transition. Is it possible given more time that your husband would be okay with your transitioning. Another thing in addition to consulting your therapist and doctors that maybe helpful is writing down a list of pros and cons in regards to taking this next step in your transition. It might help you sort through your feelings and issues and give you a great starting point and figuring out where to go from here. Good luck and hugs.
Mariah

If you "chickened out" you weren't ready yet. You didn't make a once and for all decision. It's OK! Sleep on it, speak with a counselor or a friend, and then reconsider!
And I don't think "chicken out" is what you did.

Thinking about how transition would affect others isn't really chickening out. It speaks of love and caring. Yes, depression will probably be the result of holding back. Maybe time to talk to a counselor.

I know the feelings, if I even went to a support group my wife and son would be gone.

Hugs,

If you think it might be helpful to YOU to start T now, then try it.  The noticeable effects are slow to come, providing you with time to plan, and it may give you just enough confidence to lift you out of the depression.  Once you are feeling better about YOURSELF, then you can better attend to managing the potential change in your life relationships.  It cannot be truly good for any of your loved ones if you are unhappy.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

On Friday, the spouse and I decided to divorce. So, I guess that's one hurdle overcome.

Hugs. Sorry to hear that. Hang in there because it will get better.
Mariah

Thanks Mariah. I needed that hug 

Quote from: Clever on May 05, 2015, 09:24:03 AM
Thanks everyone for your replies.

On Friday, the spouse and I decided to divorce. So, I guess that's one hurdle overcome.

I'm sorry this happened, even though it was probably to be expected given what you wrote on your other thread. I hope this will give you the space that you need to move forward in your transition!we're here if you need us!

Sorry to hear about the divorce. Hopefully you;; now have the freedom to proceed with transition and the depression will be alleviated. Hopefully too, you parents will understand.

Hugs,

Major sympathies.  Just PM'd you.

You are facing very real fears and concerns and you shouldn't feel bad about it. Its unfortunate that you are in a position like that and have to make a choice.

I think when you start testosterone, you should be 100% ready and prepared for what may come. If you don't feel like you are in that position right now then you made the right choice in my opinion. I wouldn't ever call that chickening out. 

Sorry to hear this Clever. This is a lot of things to go through all at once.

We're all here for you should you need to process.

Clever, check your messages.  just PM'd you and am hoping it went through this time.

Hi guys, sorry for the radio silence. Heck of a ride these past few weeks. Here's a little update: divorce is going to happen, and at the moment it's amicable. I feel pretty free. I've spent a lot of time with my folks past few weeks, and I feel like even if their reaction to my transition may be shaky in the beginning, I really do believe they won't abandon me. Which leads to my final point: yesterday I had my first T shot. I feel very at peace with the decision, and holy wow am I full of energy today.

So yeah, after hitting a pretty low low, I'm crawling back up into the light. But I suppose that's the way it goes, huh?

Thanks for all your support, friends. And for your patience with me

Congrats on your milestone, first T, so happy for you!

May the wind always be at your back on your journey!

So glad things are looking up!  Way to go on thinking things through.

and major congrats on the T!!!

Congratulations


*hugs*