my father will never acknowledge me as his daughter, Stephanie

cymoril · May 02, 2015, 01:01:07 AM

I haven't posted much here, and that's my fault. I guess i've been isolating too much-- due to the constellation of my medical problems. basically i've been afraid. But the personal events that have occurred to me within the past 48hrs.-- my father basically disowning me due to his religious beliefs, and an old friend of mine-- whose a radiation oncologist-- asking if my name change is legal and refusing to call me 'Stephanie' until he is satisfied that i'm a 'legal' female-- have ripped my soul raw. I've been crying for the past two days, and my mind is frazzled. I feel like a flibbertigibbet-- my mind ever scurrying off to uncharted realms. I love father, and my friend, and I hope they love me. but if there is someone here that can relate to me, PLEASE get in touch with me. thank y'all, Stephanie

Ms Grace · May 02, 2015, 01:11:24 AM

Hey Stephanie

Welcome to Susan's

Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Yes, I can relate - a year since I came out to him and my father still refuses to acknowledge me as his daughter or use my female name/pronouns. He hasn't disowned me (although that was a huge fear I had before telling him) but essentially he doesn't believe it is possible to be trans. Some people just take a long time to come around to it - if they ever do.

Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...

Cheers

Grace

katrinaw · May 02, 2015, 02:07:42 AM

Hi Stephanie, noticed you posted an Intro back in Early April, I will move this topic to: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,4.0.html - Transgender Talk...

L Katy

suzifrommd · May 02, 2015, 04:39:16 AM

It is so painful when people in your life disappoint you. Often people transitioning find they have to put distance between them and people they used to be close to.

The best you can do is make sure your father and your friend understand about gender dysphoria - that you didn't choose this, you were wired this way. That dysphoria is crushingly painful and does not go away on its own. If they understand that and still think you ought to just put up with the dysphoria without transitioning then what they feel for you is not really love. No one who loves another person wants her to pretend to be someone else for the rest of her life.

Hugs, Stephanie. Please give yourself credit for dealing with especially difficult problems.

Jayne · May 02, 2015, 05:00:09 AM

I can relate to how you feel, I came out over 3yrs ago & changed my name within 6 months, to date my mum has used my not so new name a few times in birthday & xmas cards but on some cards she's left the name blank rather than accept who I am.
She's still in my life & sometimes brings female clothes round that her exchange students leave behind but i'd rather have her use my new name than bring me clothes (no matter how nice they are)
There was a time when I was sure my mum was going to disown me but she was going through the stages of grief, things have improved but only because I don't challenge her about my name for fear of pushing her away.

My father hasn't been in my life for about 10yrs & it still cuts like a knife to think he doesn't want anything to do with me, I didn't even risk opening myself up to the pain of getting in touch to tell him about my transition.
I've heard through the family grapevine that he's disgusted at what i'm going through.

Laura_7 · May 02, 2015, 05:16:44 AM

You might have a look here for a few thoughts that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187830.msg1670753.html#msg1670753

You might see a counselor... preferably a good gender therapist, someone who knows the process and can guide you along the way... and they might help explain to parents... if they are not helpful you might look for another...

you might think about support groups, with lgbt centers, for example...

In general, Pflag recommends to keep people in the loop.. like sending seasonal greetings... some might come around eventually.

On the other hand, if people are not good it might be a good idea to keep some distance.

If you feel like it, remember to reach out... there are some phone numbers given in the link above for example.

*hugs*

Maddy_Aya_W. · May 02, 2015, 06:42:06 AM

I still haven't come out to my family... I know most of them will automatically assume I'm only doing it to have sex with men. In all honesty, I despise the way most men act. Can't meet one online without the convo degenerating into, "Send me noodz?!". I've only recently started thinking about the best way to tell them. I'm fairly certain that my mom has already pieced together the truth. She's gone out of her way to tell me she'll love me no matter what I choose to be before. So, I will probably start by telling her, she's one of the only people who's always stuck by me. I would say that warrants her to know. My dad passed in 2010, so I will never know what he thinks. In a way it's relieving, but I'm also saddened by the fact that he will never get to see me truly happy... None of this is easy, I didn't choose it, I can't change it, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Rachel · May 02, 2015, 07:54:08 AM

I am sorry you are going through this. It is a shock to parents and friends when you first come out. It may improve in time.

Remember, you need to be yourself and if they can not accept it then it is their loss.

When you first come out nerves are raw so be gentle on yourself.

I know my gender therapist was the best thing I did. She helped me immensely.

Susan · May 02, 2015, 04:06:51 PM

I'm a big believer in the notion of "you can accept me as I am, or I will not be in your lives."

AbbyKat · May 02, 2015, 04:48:42 PM

Quote from: Susan on May 02, 2015, 04:06:51 PM
I'm a big believer in the notion of "you can accept me as I am, or I will not be in your lives."

That is sort of the approach I'll be taking very soon. I had to make myself see that my wife, daughter, and I do not owe anybody anything. If they cannot accept our unconventional family, that is fine as long as they don't expect us to return their messages or ever speak to them.

It's becoming easier everyday to accept the idea of cutting harmful people from my life.

News:

my father will never acknowledge me as his daughter, Stephanie