Hi.  I have been visiting Susan's Place for quite a while, but I am going to have to be really brave here and ask a question.

I was assigned female at birth, but as a child I was very boy-ish and as an adult I have become increasingly more androgynous as I get older.

The past few years have become increasingly difficult for me, because I have an overwhelming desire to be more masculine.  I do not totally despise my body, but I feel what I can only describe as a crippling jealously whenever I see an attractive man.  It seems to trigger at any time - like today at the mall - but it also happens when watching a movie or just flipping through a magazine. It is the most awful feeling - it just makes me want to curl up and cry - and it strikes without warning.

Does this sound like dysphoria and if it does is there and particular type of therapist I should see that would help me?

I guess I am hoping to hear that I am not alone.   The people online here always seem so kind.  I just feel like such a weirdo, that I am dealing with these strange feelings and there is no one in my life who understands.

Thanks so much. :-)

I was the same, except I was born a male. I felt great envy for beautiful women, because ever since I was a toddler feminine traits have been manifesting. As I got older, I got to be more feminine looking, and my hatred only grew.. I thought of loose women with good looks as some sort of scourge upon the earth. I felt that way about CIS gendered people as well, but for different reasons. Being angry/hateful is never healthy, so as you can imagine, I was a severely depressed individual. I never saw a psychiatrist, so I can't help you there, but I can totally relate to being super envious of the people born into what I wanted. I eventually grew out of it, through meditation, and coming to terms with being a woman. I wouldn't forego therapy if it can be avoided, but meditation and working to stay positive, as well as trying manifest positive energies in my life helped me. I am truly sorry you have to feel such things, I know how stressful it can be. You aren't alone, you are only human. It's all you really can be =)

Yep, you are not alone. What you are describing is very common for many people struggling with the gender identity they were assigned at birth (vs the one they identity with) - that applies whether one was born genetically male or female and identify with the opposite. I'd suggest any competent and open minded counsellor would be able to help you discuss these issues, but one with gender dysphoria experience would be a bonus.

And please, never feel afraid to ask a question, that's what the forum is here for.

Thank you very much!  It is a relief to hear it is common.  I hope I can find a counsellor to help me.   My worry is that is just getting worse the older I get - so perhaps talking to someone about it will help. 

Talking to someone will help more than you can ever realize. I know when I talked to the therapist that first time it's like weight was lifted off my shoulders. It's very common for gender dysphoria to get worse as you get older. It's why many of us eventually had no choice but to face our gender issues head on and for many that results in us transitioning. A good therapist will help you sort through everything. Good luck and hugs.
Mariah

Quote from: Tiffers on May 02, 2015, 08:04:47 PM
My worry is that is just getting worse the older I get - so perhaps talking to someone about it will help. 

Sadly, a common feature of not dealing with is that it does tend to get worse. Seeing a good counsellor doesn't mean you have to transition or take hormones or anything that you don't want to do or don't feel ready for, but it should hopefully help make the options clearer to you.

Thank you, Mariah.  It is nice to know I am not alone in this! :-)

Thank you Ms Grace.  I am getting to the point where I have to face this and talk to someone because the anxiety is seriously impacting my life.

Remeber, any topic you don't feel comfortable talking about with someone face to face can always be discussed here. There always seems to be somebody around that is willing to help.

Is it also common for people that struggle with their gender assigned at birth to think of themselves as the opposite gender in sexual situations?  So embarrassing, but I have to ask for my own mental piece of mind.

yes

Thank you :-)

I do that, a lot. It can get weird some times. I am often accused of being "gay", but that term has no power over me. Words are only what you make of them. Just be you, and never feel sorry for it. Life is too short for regret.

That is a part of the schism within the tg community. The side Iam on considers my sexual orientation normal
for my professed sex.
Others and the vast majority of the public considers tg's just another name for queers.

I thought my whole life that therapist were bs and for weak people. I have started talkin to a therapist and feel so much better about myself. I don't have all the answers yet but atleast I am starting to make sense of it all.

It's wonderful to hear that you are feeling much better about yourself and making sense of it all. Congrats. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: toniwest on May 03, 2015, 07:55:05 AM
I thought my whole life that therapist were bs and for weak people. I have started talkin to a therapist and feel so much better about myself. I don't have all the answers yet but atleast I am starting to make sense of it all.

From what you described it sounds like you have dysphoria. You are not alone and you are not weird. Dysphoria can get worse with age and to the point where choice is not an option. A good gender therapist can help you sort out the feelings and help you navigate what you may want to do.

HRT can reduce dysphoria. I have been on HRT for 23 months and my dysphoria is to the point I can sleep better and not do something stupid. However, I still suffer from dysphoria and at times pretty bad. I have always had jealousy as you described.

All my life I have never felt jealous towards girls, but felt a sense of rivalry with men in regards to how tall they were and things like that. I didn't realise why I felt envy towards guys but now I know it's because I always felt like a guy and felt like I had to compete with them.

Also I used to mistake my heart beating whenever I saw men with certain style of clothes as attraction, but now I realise that the clothes they were wearing are the ones I myself wanted to wear.

I guess what I struggle with is that this dysphoria comes and goes.   I get to a point where I feel comfortable with my assigned gender and I may feel fine for a couple of days and then suddenly I get triggered by something and the confusion comes roaring back (and in many cases worse than it was before).   

It is so confusing having some days when I feel "What was I thinking?! Why was I even considering that I was transgender?!" And then a few days later feeling very strongly that I am transgender and this is something I need to deal with.  I have even gone as far as coming out to by BFF about how I feel and contacting a trans support group.     

So then I start thinking that maybe those periods of time where I think I feel comfortable my assigned gender are simply suppressing my true feelings and being in denial.   I just don't know what to think anymore.