I have many more health conditions than being 'transgender' but this is really the worst thing, above all. I honestly don't know how to be happy with my freak of a body. No matter what I will do this body I will never ever become an authentic male.  Instead of being a female bodied freak I should have been born the most disgusting animal instead. The body is just an illusion for my genuine male mind. I am crying as I type this, I lost it again. What a loser I am.
I became a shutin (because of the female suffering) about a decade ago and I think it made me this way. Now I can't even be happy even if I wanted to.  I get envious when I read how some of you who can't cry even if you tried to. Even when I was on T, none of that applied to me. I shed tears EVERY SINGLE DAY at least once....It's like second nature.  I am so sick of it. I know it ruined the face once I loved and now I hate that.  The migraines I get from crying is terrible. Sometimes it would hurt my entire face.
How do you guys manage to do this?  I really want to know. Is it because you guys have accepting people in your life that enable you to not mind your body as much?  Is it the T that makes the depression disappear and the powerful effects make you happy? Most of the time I don't even have the desire to live.

Quote from: makipu on May 03, 2015, 08:30:15 PM
What a loser I am.

First things first, you aren't a loser.

I can only give my perspective from the opposite side of things - back when I was younger I felt like you do now, really hated my body and spent most of my time indoors and a lot of that crying or overly analysing every "defect" I could find.

That was getting me nowhere, and just making me feel more miserable. In the end I was fortunate enough to find some activities that took me out of my inwards focus, got me looking beyond my front door and engaging positively with people and forgetting about my body. It didn't happen overnight but I did reach a point where I could truthfully say that I loved myself, regardless of the "defects". Being happy with myself and my life was much easier once I passed that point.

That was my path, and I think everyone has their own unique journey in this regard - not just trans people, but cis people too (don't presume that because they are in a body that reflects their gender identity that they are happy with themselves or their body or their looks)... so I can't say it will work for you but finding a way to accept yourself the way you would love and care for another person close to you is a good start.

Makipu. I have a couple health issues in addition to being transgendered and there not minor ones either. How I was able to become happy despite everything I had to overcome and there are different things that played a role in my becoming happy for the first time that I ever remember in my life. Yes a support system around you does help and definitely has added to my happiness as have  the hormones. However, for me the signal biggest thing that truly has allowed me to live happily was come terms with the health issues I have and my being transgendered at the same time. The second part of that was not letting those things define me. By doing that it allowed me to live freely and just to be me no matter what some might say. It's allowed me to be just Mariah and not anything else. My doing things that make me happy is one thing that has helped too and that is the activity I have always chosen to help over come things. I"m sorry to hear about your other health issues and I know that they take a toll on you mentally and emotionally. Remember were all here for you and rooting and cheering you on. All I can do in the mean time is offer hugs. Good luck
Mariah

I once felt just as you are describing. Becoming "happy" has been a totally conscious effort on my part. I put a lot of effort into consciously changing my attitude towards myself and my life. I found that because I was constantly thinking how much I hated my body or hated this or that, I was further putting myself down and just generally becoming more negative and depressed. I chose to adopt the "fake it till you make it" attitude, putting on a persona of false confidence. Instead of focusing on how much I hated my more feminine aspects, I praised myself for other qualities. Eventually  positive thoughts that I once forced upon myself became second nature. Even if you don't believe these positive thoughts initially. It's really quite easy to trick yourself into believing anything. You are currently tricking yourself into thinking you're a loser; don't do that. You are NOT a loser. Even when every ounce of you may think you are a loser or a freak or whatever, do NOT allow those thoughts into your mental forefront. Tell yourself you are a work of art, you are unique, you are great. It is not an easy process. Happiness is not something that just occurs in my opinion. You have to work for it.

Is depression one of the the other conditions you mentioned that you have? Because it sounds a lot like that's what you're going through. And I mean major depressive disorder, not just feeling sad or crying often. If you have a therapist you should definitely talk to them about it and if you don't have a therapist it would be a good idea to consider seeing one. Depression can be serious, especially if you're isolating yourself and beginning to feel as if you don't have the desire to live anymore as you mentioned.

Depression is a disorder of the brain, you can't help the sadness or despair that you're feeling. You're not a loser for feeling those emotions and it doesn't make you any less of a man. Many men cry. I've never seen any real evidence that T actually makes it more difficult to cry. It just seems that in most cases society would have us believe that men are tough and never cry but that isn't really true.

You asked how some of us have dealt with feeling this way. Before I got help for my depression there were entire months where I was a mess and could hardly keep myself from crying throughout the day and when I did finally cry it was to the point where I would give myself migraines just like you mentioned. I'm not an emotional person because of the environment I grew up in so to experience such extreme despair like that was terrifying for me and upsetting in itself. The only thing that has truly helped was being prescribed medication for my depression. I can deal with my dysphoria a lot better now too. When I was depressed I wasn't able to think rationally so my dysphoria was one of the things that constantly seemed to consume my mind. I really suggest you seek help, like I did, for what you're experiencing. Once you get help and the depression lifts the difference will be amazing.

I have an invisible, chronic illness aside from being trans. There is no cure for it, and the available management medications do not work for me. It is a part of what held me back from transitioning for so long. Depression and anxiety play a huge role in my symptoms. I am not the most social person. I live with my best friend and would probably not mind too much if he was the only person I ever had to interact with. So I understand a lot of what you're saying.

My personal recommendations:
- Get more physically active, even if it's just going on a walk.
- Re-evaluate your diet. Cut out as much processed food as you're comfortable with.
- Find a social activity that you enjoy, or that you think you could learn to enjoy.
- Challenge yourself on a regular basis to do something that is difficult for you or makes you uncomfortable.

I've improved a lot physically from the first two. My symptoms became manageable enough that I felt I could undertake the added stress of medical transition. The last two were more for my mental state. I get a lot of happiness and a sense of achievement from overcoming things that are difficult, and getting out of my comfort zone.

Though I started working on all this before I started T, I do believe that T has made it easier for me to be happy to an extent. It has made social interaction easier for me, and I feel more comfortable with myself. I'm happy to talk with you more if you need it.

I have a few chronic conditions plus a physical injury that put me on disability for a while and ended a previous career. Fortunately I was able to bounce back and I am managing my health pretty darned well. I am no longer in constant pain, all of my tests and everything show up normal. I take medication but I take less of it than I did before and I may even get off some of it.

I lost weight, I watch what I eat and I stay active. All of those things have helped me. I have to point out though that without addressing my gender issues I would have never gotten to that point. And the fact that my HRT and primary care are integrated helps a ton. My nurse practitioner and doctor are caring and wonderful, the np is a trans woman herself so she understands me and my needs. Even my previous doctor had a good relationship and wasn't mean or anything. Finding a good one you trust and who can take care of you is essential. Don't just settle for any one.

Just my 2¢