Hi folks,

So the other day I was talking to one of my good friends. I've known him for about 10 years now. Well he said something that really makes me lose further hope that we will still be friends. We were talking about a female friend of ours. She's very openly bi and constantly hits on girls and guys. Not gonna even lie, she's so darn good at it that she puts us to shame.

While on the topic of it, my friend mentions this: I Don't understand how anyone can think that they're born gay. That's just ridiculous to me.

I felt so hurt by it. This is not the first time he's gone out of his way and said things like this. He's very conservative and change really bothers him. He Also works as a paramedic, which the whole group of them act about the same. I try to laugh if off like It doesn't bother me, but the truth couldn't be further away. I just constantly feel like the more I think about it the worse it gets in my head. It sucks so much. We Always have a great time hanging out together and we've even created our own fishing team.

I just don't know how I'll ever be able to approach him that i'm transgender. He will freak out bad and would possibly unfriend me on the spot. It wouldn't be the first time he's kicked people out of our group simply because he wasn't a fan of them.

I'm simply at a loss of words on this...

your friend reminds me of my cousin. He is rational about everything except for LGBT issues. I've been trying to change him without making it obvious that I'm trans but it doesn't work. It's something very taboo to him.

It hurts me so much, because he agrees with me on just about everything else.

Not talking about my cousin or your friend here, but If someone wants to believe that being gay is just a choice (and they don't want to learn more about homosexuality), it still shouldn't prevent them from treating gay people just like they treat everyone else. People are people, one shouldn't discriminate.

Thanks cin,

I'd like to feel that'd be true in his case, but I know it's very slim chances. He's one of those people who enjoys being on top of the world and number #1. Even when you find a way to beat him at something, he will find a way to either make it "gay" or say something stupid.

I've still got plenty of time to try and open him up. My plan is to drop subtle hints or do actions that make people question. than I watch him and others to see how they react to it. I will make a mental note and try to make improvements or note what flew under the radar.

Losing the ones you care for over something as silly as this is ridiculous to me. Grow up and learn to accept it. I just wanna yell that in his face, but I know it'd go right over his head. It's frustrating

Maybe it'd take a really close friend to come out to him to change his mind.  If he really was/is your friend then he should know that you coming out to him won't change anything. You were trans all along, he just didn't know it. All the things you did together, and all things you could do together in the future, you will always be the same person. Coming out won't change you, it might change his opinion of you, but you won't change.

Open up to him if you think it's the right thing to do, but if he rejects you just because you're trans, then it's his problem and maybe he's not worth having as a friend after all.

Quote from: Cin on January 23, 2015, 12:35:57 AM
Open up to him if you think it's the right thing to do, but if he rejects you just because you're trans, then it's his problem and maybe he's not worth having as a friend after all.

Yep I have considered this a lot. I know well coming into this that not everyone will be on your side. I'm hoping it doesn't come to this in the end. I know if they give me s*** about it, than I'll say my goodbyes and wish them well. Life ain't easy but he's gonna be one tough cookie to break.

It may be an ugly thing that you will have to face. I had two friends, (and only these two friends). I had known one since the early 90's and another since the mid 90's. We were the type where we could talk about anything and everything. These were the only friends that I ever had where that was possible. One of them found out about my transition in mid March of 07. This was during a short period of time where I was experimenting with long skirts, dress shoes, plain women's tops. (The tops are the only things that I stuck with). So, I get a call from my friend and he says that he's coming over. I was wearing a long black skirt, black dress shoes and a red top. I thought to myself: "Should I change my clothes?". I decided on: "Hell no! This is me and I will what I damn well please!". They both knew that I am a very stubborn person and I have no shame in who I am. What you see is what you get. Both of these friends had also been around me for the many, many times where people thought that I was a girl. They always thought it was weird when I would smile when it happened. So, the guy comes over and knocks on the door. The look on his face was priceless. His eyes were about to fall out of his skull. I just played it off and said: "Hey! Come on in!"

He walked inside and sat down on the couch. One of the first questions he asked was: "Is this like some Indian thing?", since it was a long skirt. Where he got that idea from is still a mystery to me. I laughed and told him: "No. This is a woman's skirt. These are women's shoes and this is a women's top." Then I went ahead and talked about what had been going on and what my plans were for the upcoming months.

He sat there silent for what seemed like forever and then he said: "Wow...a lot of things suddenly make a lot of sense." I was smiling from ear to ear and replied: "Ya think?!" It totally blew his mind. We had some small talk about this and that for awhile and then his wife called him to pick him up. I never saw him after that.

Then, fast forward to late summer: I'm out at my Dad's house and he's talking to someone on the phone for the longest time. My dad is NOT a phone person so I was curious. Turns out, it was my (former) friend. I told my dad that I wanted to talk to him once he was done. After probably a half hour, my dad hands me the phone.

I could tell within ten seconds that he did not want to talk to me. He sounded so uncomfortable. It was really weird. Then I asked him what he had been up to since we spoke last. He said that he had talked with my other (former) friend. I asked him what they talked about. He told me that he had told him about what happened with he and I. He said that my (former) friend now thought that I was a: "sick freak." I just played it off, yet again, and attempted to steer the conversation elsewhere. He said that he had to go and that was that.

I just let it go because..oh well....things are what they are. I have a life to live and it's far too short to worry about people that don't care about you. Yeah, it would have been nice if things had  been different, but they weren't. Life goes on.

Well CaptFido one thing you learn very quickly on this journey is that you have one true friend; you!

I do not know of a single trans*person who would have chosen to be trans*, but we are.

If people cannot accept us, as Laura said, stuff them, they are not friends. If people cannot accept you get them out of your life, you do not need them.

No one, no therapist, no matter how good they are, no surgeon, no matter how skilled they are, no endo, no matter how trained they are, can understand what it is to be trans - unless they are as well.

Once you are happy and strong in your transition, and once you have the confidence with being you, then you can - if you wish, start to teach those who think we are freaks.

We are not freaks or mistakes we are men and women who had a birth defect and are overcoming it. Once we accept ourselves we also start to see that some who cannot accept us are living shadow lives, they cannot accept themselves and hide behind an armour of hate and unacceptance that shields them from their own insecurities.

So never fear, you will get there and be the happy young lady that you know you are.

Hugs

@ CaptFido87: Sorry to be blunt about this, but the way you have described your friend, he already seems like someone not worth being friends with (just my personal opinion). Sure, if he's been a good enough friend to you and for long enough, you should try making him see reason, but don't be surprised if he reacts the way Laura's friends did. In fact, those are probably the best possible responses from people who can't change their mind, i.e. they just avoid you and forget. Some people also try to actively put others down once they find out they are gay / trans / whatever else they hate, and your friend may well be one of them. Just be prepared to deal with that once he knows.
All said and done, I think it's much more important that you should be yourself and that you find friends who care for you the way you are, not for what they think you should be.

Edit: Agree with Cindy's comments above. Didn't think about the shadow lives of haters part though.

Well, if he isn't willing to accept you as who you are, he's not a good friend. It's like...if a friend has been great your whole life when things have been easy, but then something difficult happens to you and they ditch you, they were never a friend, not really. They just liked the easy aspect of the friendship. Honestly, there are people who've had ignorant opinions, but then their close friend or family will educate them and they'll come around. It's not your job to educate anyone, but I mean that a lot of people who are ignorant about these topics eventually come around because they give their loved one that chance. You're not going to know for sure unless you tell him, you know? How good of a friend is he to you? Are you willing to stay silent to not risk him reacting badly? Or is it more important that you be yourself, regardless of whether he accepts you or not? That's what you have to decide.

When I transitioned I lost a whole lot of friends. Some from the get go, others that even with time could never truly accept me as a woman and I had to let them go for my own good.

But I have made lots of new friends.

That you will most likely loose friends and loved ones is one of those things you need to understand and be able to accept in order to transition.

Really great responses from you all. Thank you all. I know for sure that we will always be friends.

I've thought a lot of what you all said. Yes it would be hard to lose him as a friend but life goes on and we meet new people. I've got plenty of time before I start the transformation, so I'll try to see if I can open them up. They are very reluctant to change, especially the main one I mentioned. I know If I work hard enough that, maybe by some chance they accept it and learn to live with it. If not it'd break my heart but I would do what's best for me. Leave and be happy alone with a new life ahead of me.

@Cindy16 well yea he's one of those friends who will be your best bud one day and the next day a complete a-hole. He's always full of surprises. I have a strange group of friends for one, so his behavior or any of my other friends really are just whatever to begin with. It's hard to describe in words. I know I could probably sway a few of them in the group to still be friends, but he's the main focus. If I can get to him and convince him as it flows, than it might be easier to get the rest on board.

@Jason C I'd say he's a decent friend. He knows that i'm financially always broke, so he will offer to get my lunch or buy me a drink from time to time. He always goes out of his way to make sure I'm part of the group, even when my depression acts up. They know of a way to get me to smile again. So on a scale of 1 being bad to 10 being good, I'd say he's a 6 or 7 depending on the day. So It'd be a tough loss om my part but I just gotta keep my head up and do the best I can.

Hi folks! I got an update for you all.

I accidentally came out to my 2 friends who I mentioned earlier who I figured would never accept me. By the luck of the draw they said it's cool and that they are there for me. I seriously couldn't believe it. We had an hour talk and said they don't care what I look like, we're still gonna be friends. This really made me break down an actually cry. I was such shock. I went through it like 1000 times in my head and never got a positive answer from it. I figured it was a 1% chance of them being cool with it.

I guess you truly don't know whats going to happen unless you try. Such a sigh of relief.

So very true. You never know. Congrats. CaptFido87 Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: CaptFido87 on May 04, 2015, 02:52:33 PM
Hi folks! I got an update for you all.

I accidentally came out to my 2 friends who I mentioned earlier who I figured would never accept me. By the luck of the draw they said it's cool and that they are there for me. I seriously couldn't believe it. We had an hour talk and said they don't care what I look like, we're still gonna be friends. This really made me break down an actually cry. I was such shock. I went through it like 1000 times in my head and never got a positive answer from it. I figured it was a 1% chance of them being cool with it.

I guess you truly don't know whats going to happen unless you try. Such a sigh of relief.

Great news CaptFido... So true!

L Katy

I've never had anyone to my face tell me they don't accept. But it's the things they do subtly like warn their kids about me that you really figure out how they think.

For example one of them told their daughter about me and then she looked in disbelief at me and asked, "are you a boy?" Like she couldn't believe it. That was strange because in public kids don't stare at me or comment. I've actually been called "mrs" by the kids in my kids preK class and one of them even asked if I was their mommy (I told her the truth). This was in male mode. So i know I pass with kids. And I found out that they told their daughter about me. Suffice to say they're not my friends anymore. I have no use for people like that.

That said everyone except my dad and wife has said they accept. Only one (my aunt) expressed concern but everyone else said they are happy for me.

If people can't accept you for who you are then you don't need them in your life anyway. That's my philosophy.

That's great. Keep in mind that as you transition there may be some changes to the nature of the friendship. I've found that I'm not quite as close to some male friends as I was despite their support and acceptance, and I think that has more to do with how their friendships with women work. My friendship with my women friends on the other hand has improved.

Congratulations,

I am glad you came out to them, for your sake. I hope they are true friends and are there for you.

I've been turned. away by %99 of the people I've come out to, captain. Some of whom, were what I believed to be really good friends. Trust me, I know how ->-bleeped-<-ty it can be. If they can't accept you, though, then you don't need them in your life. I forget exactly who said this to me, but if you read my post about "hitting the Wal", you will find it. Anyway, I was told, to ask myself "which pain is greater. Then told that shortly after, the answers would find me. They did. Definitely not the answers I was expecting, but this advice helped me. Don't keep people who want you to be less than you drag you down. We are all in this together, you are not alone.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss

(Oddly enough, my favorite author of all time.)

I had people that I was sure would be cool about it that weren't at all and a friend who is pretty much a "good 'ole boy" that I thought would ditch me in a heartbeat who turned out to be my biggest supporter.  If people reject you for who you really are, they weren't really your friend in the first place.  I sort of thought of my transition as a kind of "friendship stress test".  I was able to weed out the weeds and keep all of the flowers, because I know who my friends truly are now.