So, my partner recently came out to me as non-binary and I don't completely understand their position. I've tried talking to them about it and it just seems to make them cry and get frustrated with me, so I thought I would try talking with others online. From what I can gather, they are 100% happy with their bits and pieces and have no interest in transitioning. They simply don't like the binary system or being labeled as a female by society. They feel like it puts them in a box.

This makes no sense to me, and it might be because I've got some privilege as a cis het male, but I really do want to understand. How can someone who is happy with their female bits not be happy being female? If you don't like the way society perceives or treats women, that's a reason for feminism and to express that you are different from such stereotypes, but I don't get how that could cause someone to claim they aren't female at all.

Please help me to figure this out. It's making me feel like a terrible person that I'm not giving them my total support.

Hi Zuberi, welcome to Susans. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Part of it comes down to the degree you identity with a particular gender. Howe feel about the bits can differ for all of us and not just non binaries.  Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Hi Zuberi

Just like some men feel they are women inside, and vice versa, some don't necessarily feel like the other gender, they just don't feel like the gender that's normally assigned to their body's sex. It's that simple, technically.. but..

Non-binary can indeed be complicated.  One thing, for starters, is to recognize that everyone is different, and everyone has different values in regards to their identity. They come in all shapes an sizes!
It sounds like your friend isn't too concerned with outer appearance. For some people it's not such a big deal, it's just a body. What may matter more for 'er self-image is how people treat 'er. If the female gender really doesn't feel like 'er, calling 'er female is like calling someone Jack all the time even though their name is Bob. Or maybe some nickname they don't like. Why do it if they don't find it respectful?
(though honestly it can be hard to always do it, and using 'they' feels weird sometimes. just do your best, i guess )

It's important to focus on that first, because you can never truly understand what kind of world is inside of your friend (urh, partner, sorry). Your partner's feelings will take a while to understand, as you get to know your partner more and more... as well as just opening up to transgender stuff in general.