Umm alittle awkward but me and my girlfriend have started to talk about sex and I am kinda nervous and alittle dysphoric at the same time. She knows I am trans and is perfectly cool with it but idk I know eventually we are gonna do it. I admit some of our convos have gotten alittle umm freaky I guess you could say but I got really dysphoric cuz then you snap back into reality and realize alot of things are gonna be somewhat different. I guess I need your guy's help on how you dealt with this.

For me it was like ripping of a band aid. I'm uncomfortable around any talk about sex (stereotypical British person haha). My gf at the time started the convo via text and we spent all night talking about it until we ran out of questions. That's probably the easiest way of doing it rather than face to face. We also did things slowly, had topless days and then got a hotel room for actually doing it (no interruptions  ). Just take things slowly, set ground rules for you and her (what kind of sex you want, what are you allowed to touch), take things slowly and just have fun. Good luck

Quote from: Elis on May 03, 2015, 02:57:39 PM
For me it was like ripping of a band aid. I'm uncomfortable around any talk about sex (stereotypical British person haha). My gf at the time started the convo via text and we spent all night talking about it until we ran out of questions. That's probably the easiest way of doing it rather than face to face. We also did things slowly, had topless days and then got a hotel room for actually doing it (no interruptions  ). Just take things slowly, set ground rules for you and her (what kind of sex you want, what are you allowed to touch), take things slowly and just have fun. Good luck

Thanks man, ill take that into consideration.

my tip to you is what I learned in my DBT session. breathing is the key. focus on each breathe you both talk. try to mentally picture yourself as who you are in that moment. don't let your mind wonder but rather let it remain in that moment. tap into that connection you both have and just let the feeling wash over you. I know it may or may not work for all people but its a thought at least.  I sound like one of my shrinks but that's how I was able to not feel so dysphoric

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on May 03, 2015, 10:35:47 PM
my tip to you is what I learned in my DBT session. breathing is the key. focus on each breathe you both talk. try to mentally picture yourself as who you are in that moment. don't let your mind wonder but rather let it remain in that moment. tap into that connection you both have and just let the feeling wash over you. I know it may or may not work for all people but its a thought at least.  I sound like one of my shrinks but that's how I was able to not feel so dysphoric

I guess you are right.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you, I haven't talked about this subject yet with my girlfriend, but I wish you luck man. I hope you two can find things that are fun and enjoyable for you both.

Quote from: CursedFireDean on May 05, 2015, 06:18:47 PM
I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you, I haven't talked about this subject yet with my girlfriend, but I wish you luck man. I hope you two can find things that are fun and enjoyable for you both.

Thank you man, I hope so too!

My situation was a little different in that I was already married and active with my male partner, but talking about sex can be difficult for anyone.y best advice is to take it step by step. I think there have been good bits of advice given already.

When I talked to my husband, we were fundamentally changing an already existing relationship, but I imagine it would be the same for new relationships too. Take it slow and address simple things first. If you've already been physically affectionate there be things you can go off of there. For me, I started off by asking him what he particularly enjoyed and what he wasn't fond of me doing.

I would say that since its a new relationship that may be a good tactic. Start with a mutual discussion and then go into specifics.

I would say communication is key. She has no problem with you being trans so its not something you need to worry about on that front, its down to how to deal with it personally. If you have any boundaries then make sure she is aware of them, like if you dont want your chest touched or lower regions. If you are uncomfortable with something then make her aware of it. She is probably concerned about you being uncomfortable with anything too due to dysphoria so she should be catering to that

I havent met my gf in person yet, still long distance for 3 years now. We have talked about everything though. Under no circumstances is my chest to be touched until after surgery, basically anything that shouldnt be there shouldnt be touched. Likewise if you are fine with things then let her know its ok and not to worry about it too. You can ask her what she likes as well and if there is anything she doesnt want. Cant speak from experience but I would imagine you will find a lot of things out when it actually happens with what you are both comfortable with. Things can change over time, you might find later you are ok with something you were uncomfortable with before. Its good you are talking about it first though rather than waiting til it happens, it should be easier for both of you that way. I hope things go well for you

When I came out to my girlfriend, I had been on HRT and had my chest done. I told her two weeks into the relationship. Personlly, I think the best approach is straightforward and sounding confident whether you feel like it or not. I was nervous. i just took her to the lake one night, there was a parking lot overlooking the lake, and just came out and told her. Any beating around the bush might be interpreted as uncertainty.

However you do it, stay calm, collected and confident. Be ready for any reaction and realize that no matter what, you did nothing wrong. I wish you luck  and a positive outcome.

sam1234

Thank you guys for all your great advice. It made me feel better about this whole thing and more positive.

Hope the talk goes well with your lady! She obviously likes you, so just be your normal, dapper self. To speak for the other side, ladies enjoy knowing that their guys can open up to them, and communication is always key. The fact that you're giving it thought shows that you care about her.

Side note, but that prom suit was rockin'.

Also speaking from the other side. Especially in the beginning, some things that helped my (TG) boyfriend and I...we held many of these conversations as "pillow talk"....dim/no lighting, laying in bed, relaxed. He'd wear whatever he was comfortable in (shirt, binder etc) and I was totally ok with that. Explain to your girlfriend what you need to be physically and emotionally as comfortable as you can be. If she's worth keeping, she will respect and understand your position.

Also, comfort levels evolve with trust. In yourself and your relationship. So, let her know that most things are "for now". Transition (and life) is fluid. Communication is key,  but otherwise we just have to roll with it.

I can't tell you the number of times my boyfriend and I have said "did you ever think [insert whatever] was possible?!?" And we laugh because the answer is usually "hell no!" 

Granted this is just our experience and I cannot speak for him. But it's my 0.02. Good luck.


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I won't reiterate the great advice you've already been given.  But Regina's point about desires and comfort levels being fluid so, just be open to that as well.

Oh, and use protection! #dadmodeactivated XD

It was super dysohoric for me at first too. Just keep talking about what feels good and what makes you uncomfortable. Try new things and explore each others bodies. Make it unique to you two. There's no right or wrong way.

As difficult as it might be, try to be as open and honest as you can. I understand not wanting to hurt feelings, but it's important to not let her get use to touching you in ways that make you feel dysphoric. It's an even more awkward conversation trying to explain things you don't like after she's gotten use to doing them.

I didn't come out to my girlfriend as trans until shortly after the new year - we had been dating for about 6-7 months at that point. One thing that was heavily on my mind before coming out is "how is she going to feel about sex now that this has come up?" In your case, your lady already knows that your identify as trans, so she's obviously okay about that. She also likely knows that you're nervous and self conscious about getting intimate and truthfully, she probably is too. I recall my girlfriend telling me that she didn't want to do anything that worsened my dysphoria and was constantly worried she was going to, but once I opened up a little more about it, sex went 0 (maybe more like 75) to 100 real quick.

I'm definitely not a vocal person in terms of sexy talk and explaining what I want during sex, but even just a little bit of guidance from you can go a long way with this kinda stuff. The main thing is being comfortable and relaxed; if your head is somewhere else, its going to be noticeable for both of you. If something feels right, tell her, if it doesn't, well tell her about that too. Communication is key!

Thanks for all the great advice. Me and my girls convos about sex are getting deeper though and really sexual. hopefully it goes well which I am sure it will cuz she's really understanding.