Hey

This weekend I've found a way to get my medical exams (hint: ask for your annual checkup which comes with a free EKG, and if you've ever had sinusitis before, free xrays of the head, and if you've ever smoked, free xrays of the chest!)

I spent a big chunk of my monday on that, and I will again in the next days (why can't everything be done at once???). Now I'm waiting for a callback from my bank. Later this week I'll be wiring the money to Well Fargo in San Francisco. Next week is the EKG.

SO-MANY-THINGS!

And in the meantime I'm going almost crazy. FFS is a life changing thing. I can barely sleep. I have weird dreams, that stop when I'm about to have FFS, then it's like the credits in a movie - calming music, frozen pictures, moving slowly, with my face never clearly visible - like in Inception when you can't see the faces. And that's when I'm lucky. When I'm not, I have had worse dreams - like  waking up in a bathtub with a kidney missing.

I don't know how I'm going to hold until the end of the week, let alone until the surgery. I should be quiet and happy. First I was, but now that everything is getting done, my anxiety level has gone through the roof in a few days, now that there's a clear date.

I know I've got one chance. I mean, all my money (and a bit more!) is going into FFS. I won't get a second chance for a while.

I'm worried about wiring the money to the wrong account. I'm worried about being abused by scammers. I'm worried about getting sick and unfit for surgery. I'm worried about the surgeon getting hit by a car or a bus. I'm worried about waking up with no sensitivity in my face - and staying like that. Or a misheap, and being super ugly. Or with scars on my head that I can't hide and that make me look like a frankenstein.

I've never been to Argentina. I'm afraid of how safe it will be for a girl, especially when weak after surgery. I'm afraid of being mugged, punched in the face, and have all the good results of the surgery going away. I thought I could do that alone, but now I've asked a good friend to come. He's a big guy and a policeman, but I'm still afraid.

The problem seems to be in my head. I'm not a drama queen, but I seem to be becoming one. I just can't rationalize that. I've slept a grand total of 3 hours last night, and only after many glasses of wine.

How did you deal with that?

I tried to take it step by step, I went for my X-rays and stuff and I would tick boxes of what needed doing. My bf is very organised so there was an actual list with boxes to tick that we're getting ticked on his phone! Lol you may actually find that the excitement becomes more while your surgery gets closer but the anxi part of the excitement becomes less as you feel more organised and prepared for it all. Then at some point when you have done everything g that needs doing for it and all left to do is wait then you will think about the surgery more and what will you look like and stuff but in a more creative way with less worries. One worry I had till near the end was like you did about like will the surgeon get a bad flu or hurt his leg or will anything like that happen? Although it's technically possible. Most likely it won't so do NOT Llet that worry you lol. It's because it's such a happy thing you don't want anything to spoil it for you. It's natural. You're still early to be freaking out tho, have more wine for now! Lol Hugs Charlotte!

Thanks Carly, you must be right, with everything done I should get less anxious.

What worries me the most is what I can't control. What if the blood test arrive late (or are just forgotten by the technician!). Then what if the plane ticket rises so much - ouch, stop, I just won't think about that. Too many things in my small brain at the moment.

But I'll try to go easy on the wine as it's only 7:30pm on the east cost. Hopefully I will sleep easily tonight as I'm so tired. If I'm not, at least I've got sleeping pills today!

I have not had FFS but have recently had SRS and while they are different operations all the anxieties pre op are broadly the same. I too was travelling to another country although I had been there before so that made life easier.

I tried really hard and for the most part succeeded in not even thinking about the surgery right up until I went in to have have it by breaking the trip up into small sections of work. The first was paying the money and doing all the tests as well as everything I could do to be fit for surgery. My next job was to plan my holiday (My partner kept telling me "you're not going on holiday" I just refused to believe her) This bit includes things like flights hotel money and even what to wear for travelling. Once there You have a few days to have fun. I'm sure there are medical consultations and the like but in between get out and enjoy yourself like you would on a real holiday. This adds some more things to do like planning visits and learning about places of interest. Also you have to plan for post op and what you can and can't do.

Any surgeries have risks but you can only do so much after that you have to trust the surgeon and believe in your own body. If the surgeon gets ill there isn't much you can do and it is always a possibility but then nothing is perfect.

I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings because what you've said is very real and could in a disaster happen however you can only ever plan for so much and other things are out of your hands. As people say worry about what you can control and trust in nature or a religious God if you have one to cover the rest for you.

I'm sure you'll have a wonderful experience and a great result from surgery. Hope I helped some

Hugs

Sorcha 

-use your imagination to your advantage. Imagine a good outcome, you sitting on the beach or wherever and being happy.

-do a bit of exercise to work off stess hormones. A bit of walking, a few situps...

hugs

The exercise and positive thinking are great ideas! I'll try that tomorrow for real. For now it's sleep pills every night, unless I want to feel miserable and drink too much wine.

Sorcha, it's totally this. I feel everything can go wrong and I panic for nothing, except when I do things related to the surgery like looking for an apartment, or when I force myself to think about other things that I have to do urgently. But by default, I think about the surgery.

Today, I was eating and looking at the girls thinking how I'll be like, why couldn't I be like her, no I don't want to be like this one, more like that one etc. I almost never stops - and that's when it's good.

2 days ago, I asked for a skype consult and have not received an answer, so today of course Charlotte starts panicking (he must have been hit by a bus!!)

When I realized FFS was financially possible and we started planning,  I had the opportunity to pick a very early date like June and I jumped on that, because I knew I'd slowly go crazy otherwise.

The holidays, I don't know. I should read a book about Buenos Aires lol. At the moment I only think about practical stuff that my increase the change of a good surgical result - like an icemaker to have the swelling go away faster. For travelling I've got my "granny denims" - super confy, no pockets so the TSA won't buzz me, but in general when I travel I just can't pack until the day before. If I pack in advance it makes me anxious and I repack like every day.

Good news: Charlotte is not going crazy, she must already be crazy!

Anyway thank you both for your suggestion. I'll really try the sport, positive thinking and travel book. Only 2 weeks to go!

Hi Charlotte 

I understand your thinking and I could easily be the same, I didn't pack my case until the day before but I did write a list of every item that needed to be in it. Bernadette is super efficient at everything and left all Bangkok related items to me as it was my surgery so we did it my way but had something gone wrong it was all going to be my fault just as quickly and I was more worried about us fighting each other at a time when I needed my strength for healing than I was about spending all my moments planning.

I am sure all will be wel and I hope you sleep wonderfully between now and then. You will love travel planning and seeing all the places you'll have chance to see

Good Luck

Hugs

Sorcha