I don't know how I have made it this far in life. It's pretty impressive, in my opinion, that I'm still (mostly) sane. I've been on T for a year, which is absolutely amazing. But I can't handle my chest. It's bigger than it should be for my body size, binders only do so much, and I have no idea when I'll be able to afford top surgery. I've been binding for a few years now, and I am developing health issues breathing wise because of it. They have gotten bad enough to where I get winded from walking down the street. I feel hopeless. I've been trying to get my life together, but things keep setting me back. I've found a doctor I want, I started a fundraiser but I'm not really getting anywhere with it. I'm going to make a video for it to see if that helps. But this is impeding my job performance, making living quite difficult, and driving me mad. I've also just come out of an amazing relationship that had to end due to life circumstances. I just don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice, please let me know. I'm coming apart internally.

Hi Sirty, I know things may seem hopeless now and that it's starting to have an affect on your health as result. I'm sorry to hear that. As we progress in our transitions and lives we grow as people and take baby steps who that person is which goes for anything we do. My advice is to take baby steps. Start setting a little bit from each pay check to help towards top surgery. If one method isn't fully working then try something else. Change to a different binder along with some adjustments to clothing help relieve the dysphoria related to them in the meantime while you save the funds you need to get the procedure done. Sometimes we have to be proactive in life and go after ourselves since no one else can achieve it for us. Before I transitioned I had been dropping hints to my doctors for 2 years and it wasn't tell I spoke up that something changed. It's a learning experience about who we are and what we need which I learn more everyday as I help moderate the site. I have come along ways since my near death experience that will be 3 years this June, but you can too. We have to have hope and something to live for. Lastly, we all need to take time for ourselves to help rejuvenate and refresh which can be done by going and doing things you enjoy doing. we are here for you. Good luck and keep your chin up. Hugs
Mariah

When I feel like that, and I do, often, I think about my plan and try to do one little, simple thing to advance it. It could be something that only takes minutes. Doesn't matter.

You have your plan, you told it to us. Do whatever little thing you can to advance it, then maybe try to get absorbed into something else for a while. Yesterday Sweetie commented that I hadn't shaved in two days and asked if it didn't bother me. Well it hadn't, right up until then, because I was absorbed in a project. I Immediately got up, showered and shaved.

Now, my beard isn't like your chest. I don't notice it unless I touch my face or look in a mirror. Your chest is there in half your field of vision all the time, so I know it's going to be tough for you.

Remember that transition is a marathon, not a sprint. Plan and work for the long haul. Celebrate progress, not the distance still to go, and don't let it consume your whole life.

It's not perfect, but it usually works for me. When it doesn't, come here and cry on our shoulders. It's what we're here for and only a jackass thinks it's not manly to cry!

Your health is a concern. Shallow breathing over time can make you more apt to contract respiratory infections as well as the things you have been noticing.

Is there any way you can take out a loan so that you can get your chest done? I don't know your living conditions or income, but if the interest on a loan is reasonable, consider it. It may save you health problems later on in life that are permanent.

sam1234

Have you considered asking if a breast reduction would be covered ? Sometimes they are covered, for example to reduce weight on the back.
Or for other health concerns. Sometimes GPs play along, for example giving hormones as for hormonal imbalances.

You could try shirts in dark colours... they tend to make a surface more even.
I'd only keep the shirt in dark colours, going with brighter or uplifting colours for the rest...

Do a few things you like (within reason)... maybe something creative...

Eat healthy, fruits and vegetables in a healthy variety... maybe some of it organic, or from places you know where its raised healthy...
reduce high sugar drinks... they might give a high and a low later...

do a bit of exercise... a bit of walking, or bicycling for example... or a few situps twice a day...

try to consciously notice positive things, and look at them for a few moments... a flower... the sky... trees... a bird...
just being there in the moment. You can recall this moments later, mentally revisiting the place and the feeling you felt there.


have a *hug*

Hey Sirty, I understand (mostly) how you feel and what your going through. My chest is a big problem for me as well ... when you have a bigger chest stupid binders only do so much and it's causing pain for me in my upper back from curving my shoulders to hide that I don't have a flat chest... I'm trying to go the loan route as suggested, still waiting to hear back from the bank.
Try like it was suggested  (if your not already doing so) to wear darker colour shirts I find that helps me, I typically wear Polo or golf style T shirts and I find they help the best to conceal my chest better than light colour shirts.
I hope if nothing else I helped you to know your not alone.
When I'm in a crappy place in my head I try to remember that while I'm not in the place that I want to be it's the place I am supposed to be at the moment and it's a lot better than the place I used to be.

You are all absolutely lovely people. I'm going to see about getting a loan, though I doubt it will work because my credit is bad. I work a low paying job and also have to save for a car. Luckily I don't have rent to pay, but I can't get a better paying job because of my health issues. My current job already knows about it all and is understanding. I'm trying to focus on the positives; unfortunately that gets difficult when I spend hours in constant pain. But I do try. It's much easier when I am home. My family is fantastic. Thank you everyone for your support and kind words. I feel much better knowing I'm not alone. Hopefully something will work out.

I don't know what I can say to help other then I hope you can get to a better place.