Hi! My name is Ashley and I'm new here.
I have to say that I'm absolutely terrified with the prospect of coming out and revealing my true self. I'm 38 years old and have been fighting these feelings all of my life.
When I was really young I knew I was different, but I didn't quite know how. I like to play with my sister's dolls, play "house" and other make believe games and I would occasionally borrow her clothes (without her knowing, of course). It wasn't until I was in the sixth grade when I realized that I wasn't really a boy. I connected more with the girls and was realized that I wasn't one of them.
When I was thirteen I borrowed one of my sister's bras and walked out of my room in front of my mom and some of her friends thinking they wouldn't notice. Big mistake. She definitely noticed and I was hauled to my room. I was caught a second time and she asked me if I wanted to be treated like a girl. I wanted to say yes but I took the coward's way out and said no. I believe that was the biggest mistake of my life because I would have had to address these issues when I was much younger.
Even though I was told not to find ways of hiding this from my parents, I did anyway. I couldn't shake the feelings I had. There would be days where I could suppress my feelings and try to be a boy again. Usually this lasted for a week, at most. And, there were two other times where I should have been caught but somehow didn't, though I'm pretty certain my parents knew what I was up to.
I learned very early that I could tuck and make a girly front. I would put on a jock strap to hold everything in place for as long as it was comfortable. When I would go play in my soccer games I would be the only girl on the team with my imaginary pony tail bouncing around behind me.
I even tried shaving my legs once and wearing clear nail polish. Some of my friends commented about it and started to make fun of me, so I stopped and hid my feelings deeper.
As I grew up I kept everything hidden as best as I could. I had gotten really good at it. Plus, I still didn't know why I felt like a girl. I kept denying it because I have a boy's body and responsibilities that are generally reserved for boys. I got married and now have four wonderful kids (three girls and a boy).
When I was 24 I finally was able to put a name to my condition. I finally realized that I wasn't a freak or alone. It was about this time that I also finally started buying my own things instead of borrowing my wife's clothes and underwear. But, I was still too scared to tell anyone because I didn't want to lose my family.
That brings me to this point. I'm 38 now and I've missed the youth that I wish I had. I keep beating myself up for not telling my parents when I had the chance. I've tried praying it away, wishing I would wake up as a girl, using willpower to suppress my feelings, etc. They're just not going away. In fact, they're getting stronger. I want to live the rest of my life as the girl I've always been. But, I have family that I don't want to lose.
Over the years when my wife and I have seen something on TV dealing with transgendered men and women I would just simply ask, "what would you do if I came home one day and told you I wanted to be a girl?" Her immediate response was that she would leave me. She didn't even have to think about it. And, I think she became suspicious because for a while she would tell me that my best trait was that I was a man.
Also, in those years she's become unstable. Not in a horrible way, but rather some things from her past have caused her to become suicidal. I've been told by her counselors that I am her rock and pretty much the only thing in her life that she feels she can count on. This makes coming out extremely hard because I love her and don't want anything bad to happen to her. Plus, she is also the type of person that doesn't let things go (which is probably part of what's causing her current problems) and if I were to leave she would take the kids and never let me or my parents see them again. I couldn't do that to them, my parents or myself.
This is why I'm terrified. I know I need to let myself be myself, but I've made choices that have kind of trapped me, all in an attempt to keep my girlish feelings away. I've recently reached out to a therapist but I don't know how I could possibly hide that. If I didn't I would have to explain what's going on and I'm scared of losing everything and causing heartache to so many people.
I don't know what to do.
