Hello Everyone.

This is my first post here, so I apologize if it is in the wrong place. I also apologize if it gets a bit long, but I have a lot of confusion I need to iron out.

I have started to question if I am transgender fairly recently (within the last few months), and I am still extremely confused whether I am or not. It hit me like a face full of bricks, out of nowhere, and it felt great and confusing at the same time. Sometimes, I really feel like this is it, but other times it seems very hazy. Sometimes I know I want to be a girl, while other times it would feel okay to stay a guy. I get disappointed when the thoughts are not as strong. That is how good they feel sometimes  I really don't want to let these thoughts go.

First off, I am not sure if this is normal, but I didn't "know" from a very young age. Looking back, I did have a few stray thoughts when I was an adolescent and for a long time I have felt like something is off in my life (I am currently 18) that I cannot put my finger on. Could this be it? However, these much stronger trans thoughts hit me all of sudden with little indication. I would be interested to hear if anyone has had a similar onset to me.

As far as why I think I might be? Frankly, I find being a male to be rather unappealing. I don't necessarily HATE it, but it just feels a bit unfulfilling. I've never really felt like much of a guy. I am not particularly masculine and have always wondered why I've seemed slightly different, but I never actually strongly wished to be a girl until recently. When I see girls and women in public, I get rather jealous. I think women's fashion and appearances are much more appealing than men's. The hair, the clothes, the face, the smaller and beautiful frame all appeal to me. I see them and wish I could appear as them, but not necessarily be a biological female. I've never cared much for my body, I mean the masculine traits associated with it. I really don't like body hair, defined muscles, or how my face looks in general. As far as genitalia goes, I could honestly care less about my penis. If it one day wasn't there, I wouldn't particularly care. It's just kind of there, by force of my biology. Again, I don't really HATE it, I just think I'd be happier appearing as a female. I have tried a bit of cross-dressing, but it's hard to feel good about how it looks when I just don't think I look feminine enough in female clothes. I like how female clothes feel, it just doesn't feel right on my body.

With that being said, I really am not sure if this is enough to qualify me as trans. I don't always feel that gender dysphoria that some trans men and women feel. I don't NEED to be a girl, I just think it would feel nice. I'm very curious and have a strong desire to know what it would be like. If there was a way I could instantly switch to being a girl, I have a feeling I would do it. I'm not quite sure where I am supposed to go from here. I've considered attempting to feminize myself, but I don't feel like I would fit in. I've only done small things like shaving my body and taking care of my skin and hair. It's a scary thought to transition even though it sounds appealing. Even if I were to decide to transition (I think it might be too soon to know), I would have no idea where to begin. I doubt I would ever do SRS, but I'm open to other (less extreme) options.

There is a lot more I could say, but it's tough to put everything into words as my thoughts change quite often. If anyone has any thoughts, advice, or stories regarding this situation, I would appreciate hearing them. I hope what I'm saying makes sense and isn't just a crazy thought, but it's tough trying to sort my way through these thoughts. I hope nothing here was offensive or derogatory in any way. Thanks for listening to my longish ramble, it feels good to type all of this out in words instead of ruminating over what is going on. This isn't something I can talk about with just anybody. If you have any questions, I'll try to answer as best I can.

Thanks again,
Michael

Hi there Michael,

welcome to Susan's -- this is a great place to start exploring your gender identity a bit more, so I'm glad you are joining in on the fun .

A lot of what you write reminded me of my own "journey", only I'm ftm and it took me 20 years longer to figure out what was "off". I realized last year what was up, and initially I went back and forth between "it's clear as day" and that "hazy" feeling you describe. It took a while for the realization "I'm trans*" to settle into my consciousness really, but now I don't have any doubts about my identity anymore. So don't let this worry you. It's normal. There's also a possibility you decide you're more gender fluid or non-binary rather than binary -- take your time.

Also, you don't have to feel bad dysphoria to be trans*. You can be trans* and feel okayish about your gender assigned at birth. Being trans* is about your identity, not about how much you suffer. And only you can decide who you are.

You also don't have to be super femme or enjoy dresses to "qualify" as mtf . You can enjoy wearing jeans and t-shirts or whatever, and still be female. So don't let this "distract" you.

Have you considered finding a therapist to help you figure out your identity a bit more? This might actually be a good first step!

Cheers
Adrian

Hi Adrian, thanks for the reply!

I actually am currently seeing a therapist because I struggle with a bit of depression. He is one of the only I have told about how I feel.
It feels great to know you went through a similar pattern of feelings! I think one of my biggest issues is wanting to know NOW, even though this sort of thing takes time.

Thanks,
Michael

Hi Michael,

Welcome to Susan's.

I too found a lot of similarity between what you have written and what I experienced just a few weeks ago, including that feeling of being hit suddenly by a load of bricks etc. 
I am about a decade older than you and pre-everything MtF, and I am finally coming to terms with my identity as female. Being here at Susan's has helped me a great deal in understanding myself.

For me, it doesn't alternate between clarity and haziness, it is more like I still keep questioning myself that 'how could I have not known this earlier', 'am I just fooling myself', 'is it actually possible for me to transition' and all manner of 'what-ifs' around that, but none of this is able to shake the feeling I have about my gender. But at the same time, I can't say I 'knew' from a young age.

Talking to a therapist has helped me a great deal, and that too a general one, as I haven't been able to find a good gender therapist yet near where I live.
Since you are already seeing one, how has his reaction been? In the meantime, you can ask anything here and be assured that someone will be around to help. You are no longer alone in your journey.

Take care

I think seeing your unsure, maybe try doing a lot of research on being transgender on the internet . There is a lot of research and videos on Youtube you can check out.

Hey, sweetie.

First of all, I apologise for what I'm about to do because it's going to sound very therapist-ish. But if you don't mind, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions for you to have a think about. You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

What is it that you feel is unfulfilling about being male? You say that you've never really felt like much of a guy... what do you think you would need to be/feel in order to, um, feel like one? That you don't, I mean.

My second question is pretty much the opposite of my first. What is it about the female form/appearance/um... way of being... that you find appealing? What is it that is there that you don't feel you have in your present circumstances? What is it, do you think, that makes you jealous?

Sephirah,

I have to say, those questions did make me think. As far as the guy question is concerned, something about it just feels....wrong. I know it's a really bad answer, but I honestly do not know. It's just one of those feelings I suppose. I wish I could give a better answer.

As for the second question, I think maybe being female would boost my confidence and help me feel better about myself. Of course, part of me can't really explain why I feel that way, but I simply desire the look. It's aesthetically appealing to me.

Again, sorry if these answers seem poor and vague, they are a bit tricky for me right now. I wish I understood fully so I could give you a better answer, but it's just a gut feeling I suppose.

Quote from: Michael17 on February 06, 2015, 03:15:26 PM
Sephirah,

I have to say, those questions did make me think. As far as the guy question is concerned, something about it just feels....wrong. I know it's a really bad answer, but I honestly do not know. It's just one of those feelings I suppose. I wish I could give a better answer.

As for the second question, I think maybe being female would boost my confidence and help me feel better about myself. Of course, part of me can't really explain why I feel that way, but I simply desire the look. It's aesthetically appealing to me.

Again, sorry if these answers seem poor and vague, they are a bit tricky for me right now. I wish I understood fully so I could give you a better answer, but it's just a gut feeling I suppose.

Sweetie, it's not a bad answer. Personally speaking, I feel it's a far better answer than you think. I often tell people to go with their feelings, rather than trying to rationalise and analyse every little detail. Feelings can say more in a single emotion than a lifetime of trying to put things into words. I was much the same as you, in honesty. A feeling of wrongness. That it just didn't fit. I'm not going to say that it's the same for you, because I don't know your circumstances. What I will say, however, is to not ignore your feelings. They come from a place deeper than the pidgeonholes the conscious mind tries to fit us in. Sometimes your heart knows what it wants more than your head. Listen to it.

I really like this response! I tend to be one to overthink EVERYTHING, so somedays I feel like I'm going insane haha. This is exactly what I needed to hear, thank you! My hopes are that I can soon accept this fully and stop trying to figure out why, and follow what I feel. What you said is so lovely and thoughtful.

Thank you for all the kind and helpful responses everyone...Hopefully I can continue to explore this with success.

Quote from: Sephirah on February 06, 2015, 03:26:08 PM
Sweetie, it's not a bad answer. Personally speaking, I feel it's a far better answer than you think. I often tell people to go with their feelings, rather than trying to rationalise and analyse every little detail. Feelings can say more in a single emotion than a lifetime of trying to put things into words. I was much the same as you, in honesty. A feeling of wrongness. That it just didn't fit. I'm not going to say that it's the same for you, because I don't know your circumstances. What I will say, however, is to not ignore your feelings. They come from a place deeper than the pidgeonholes the conscious mind tries to fit us in. Sometimes your heart knows what it wants more than your head. Listen to it.

Sorry to wake an older thread but I've been on here just reading reading reading and it's replies like this that really make me feel better about things. I just don't feel like I'm the real me and the thing that's hurting me is worrying more about everyone else and what they'll think... not myself

I think you will find Sephirah's posts to be very wise. They are well worth reading.

Hi Jessica;
Can I ask where you live. I am from southern Victoria on the coast.
JudithLynn

Michael17,
My personal feelings are very similar indeed. While I am no expert on these things, I have visualized Gender Dysphoria on a continuum so that it makes sense to me. If you run the depth of GD from say 1 to 100, with 1 being those who are 100% content in their born gender, and 100 being the person who would do anything to rid themselves of mother nature's horrible error.
Since every human has, at least,  some similar wiring, everyone is on that scale somewhere. But if we assign a point- say 35 -where we really begin to have a brain that aligns more with the sex that we were not born with, we could call that range GD. So while our ranges vary, so do the "drivers" that push us to desire physical changes.
So you might be hovering around, say 50. Others maybe at 80 and really beginning to do what is needed to be who they are supposed to be. Your number may be fluctuating. I know mine does. So since you raise the question here, I would say it's not a question of whether you have GD, but to what level. And there is nothing  wrong, or incorrect about being at 50. The key - and hopefully your therapist can help with this - is deciding what you need at whatever range you are at.

me? well I hover from 50 to about 75, When I step out my front door, I am just barely accepting of myself as a male. But it is not to the level where it severely interferes with my life. The important thing, no matter the level, is that you find what YOU need to be who you are.

Quote from: judithlynn on May 14, 2015, 06:01:30 AM
Hi Jessica;
Can I ask where you live. I am from southern Victoria on the coast.
JudithLynn

Hi Judith,

Sorry for the slow reply. I'm in Adelaide

Hi  Michael, firstly, welcome to Susan's.

It's hard to know wether or not you really want to transition. In some cases, like mine, people cross dress for a long time, but think they would never transition. Some people have no idea, until it hits them like it did you, in there 20s, 30s, 40s. It could happen anytime. In my case, I dressed in secret for the majority of my life. Then, a few weeks ago, all the repression came flooding in. I became so depressed that, I would just lie on the floor in the fetal position at times. I would not leave the house, I didn't want people around me, and a suicidal thought or two crossed my mind. I got I'm touch with a psychologist, and talking with her helped me to get things off my chest and make things a little clearer. I've only seen her once thus far, but I feel better equipped to handle this than I did before. Though I'm not %100 on wether or not I'm going to transition, I feel like she is capable of helping me find the right answer. Talking can help, but only you can decide who you are. It's scary, it's challenging, and it'll take time to sort through. In a way, I'm glad I'm taking this on at a young age. I can only imagine the depression that comes with repressing it another 10 or 20 years. I recommend talking with someone face to face. There are tons of super cool, and accepting people out there. Just start slow, talk to a well trusted friend, anyone is better than no one. Though the forum is definitely a help, talking face to face has a more profound effect. Some people will reject you, it's an inevitability, just don't let them discourage you. If they can't accept you, you don't need them. Try to see a psychologist, if you can. Just do a little research, find a Dr with experience in gender identity issues. If you do see a psychologist, always be %100 genuine, they can't help if the problem isn't clear. That's all I have to offer right now, I hope it helps you. Best of luck, I hope you find the answers you need.

~Maddy