Hi everyone, I'm a long-time lurker here at Susans, but only just now worked up the courage to actually join. I'm 25, a U.S. East-Coaster, and pre-everything FTM hoping fervently to get to the point in my life where I can at least pass on a daily basis.
All my close friends already know and they're all accepting of it. My parents, not so much. They claim to be accepting, but have disregarded my negative feelings towards my birth assignment as a fantasy that I'm expected to get out of my system via therapy.
I've always found trouble putting into words to them in particular what I found distasteful about myself; I've had a huge problem with chest dysphoria since I hit puberty, and attempts to hide this feature by wearing baggy clothing and walking hunched over was always met with anger. When I tried to explain to them that I didn't like my chest, I was told that it was "normal for a girl" to have breasts and that "everyone has something about their body they don't like."
The truth is, when I was little I always expected to grow up to be a man, although in the back of my mind I knew I would go through female puberty, it never really hit me that that would make me a woman. I digress, though, because the truth is that even though I did go through this, I'm still not a woman.
For awhile I identified as bigender, which I was promptly told couldn't be a thing since "physical assignment" is the only determination of gender. Apparently gender is a social construct, which while I agree with on many levels, I perceive that having either of them try and lead their lives as the opposite gender would lead to just as much discomfort as I now feel. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't identify as bigender but rather as FTM.
I was told time and time again growing up that I was making too big of a fuss about wearing skirts and dresses; that I was just being immature about it and that I would eventually "have to" do it. My parents responded with anger when I used to end up in tears over having to wear fancy girls' clothes. They used to bribe me by buying me things if I would wear what they wanted.
Anyway I moved in with a friend and have since started trying to pass. No one's gendered me wrong since then...or right - no one's gendered me at all. I'm currently seeking a psychiatrist to possibly see what I can do to start living fulltime as the correct gender.
I love cartoons, space, and video games. I hope to make a few friends here on Susans. Cheers everyone!
