I always looked forward to transitioning ever since I came out at 19 , I'm 24 now and the reasons why I didn't transition is that I never had the confidence of not passing. Cowardly maybe? But I cut my hair and I thought about getting into the workforce and then making money to transition. Recently though one of my family members died, they were my best friend and left me a bit of money. After going through counselling and funeral arrangements and every thing else, i feel depressed now, this person was going to be my biggest support and be around me when I was going to get my surgery's in the first place. They were the one person I could talk to about my entire transition. First person I came out to. I feel hurt now , I have alot of money from the life insurance, but I feel like there's no excitement any more. In fact I feel rather dead. I had a lady who said she would come with me overseas and everything, but I feel it's not the same. I also feel like my transition is only possible because of someones death, which makes me more depressed then i was not transitioning.

Hi Sal1990, Welcome to Susan's. So sorry for the loss of your family member. Your among friends now. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and hugs.
Mariah


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First, My condolences on your friends death.

Second, I am a retired professional Paramedic and you cannot carry this like you are. You need to find life even though it resulted from death. Would your friend be happy with you this way when she left you the ability to live? Of course not! Life happens and I more than most know this. Life is not fair. Life is unpredictable. It is what we do though after times like this that define us. We can go on with life or curl up and give up. Your friend would head smack you if you turn down what she has done for you and your future to blame yourself for something you had no power over. Now, put this negative thinking out of your head, live your life and celebrate and thank her when you see her in the afterlife for the precious gift she gave you.

It's easy to say get rid of negative , it's harder to practice. I know she would be proud if I went through it, but idk still doesn't stop the hurting. Life is unfair, and it has been unfair my entire life. The only thing I get luck with is money , but that doesn't replace my values and the friendships of my family. Whom are now all deceased. I Should be excited like you're saying yet I can't manage to get excited about anything? Like even if I live as a female, I feel like , whos going to share my life with me? is this where I have to make new friends/a partner in life? I should feel lucky and grateful yet I feel like a someone who just had their entire family bombed. I am alone bar 1 person. Also the outside family all run me down, calling me a gravedigger ect, which doesn't help my mentality atm. I apologize.

Life really sucks sometime and having to deal with death is the worst for me from the age of 15-20 I lost a family member each year. Lost my mom, aunt, both grandmothers and a grandfather. Its horrible but things do get better over time. You never forget or stop missing them but life will eventually get back to normal. You might also want to talk to a therapist also just talking theses thing out can really help. Just know your not alone and things will get better.

Quote from: Sal1990 on May 16, 2015, 08:40:13 PM
Life is unfair, and it has been unfair my entire life..

No one said life was fair. You think I had an easy time growing up trans in the buckle of the bible belt on an Air Force Base with aunts and uncles who were priest's and nun's? Yes, it is easy to tell someone to get rid of negativity. I am proof that it is possible to do! You need to understand the past is gone and nothing will change that. The question should be "are you staying in the past and wrecking your future"? With this nothing will ever change mindset yes, you will be condemned to repeat the past over and over. Is that what you want? To self impose a life sentence of misery and loneliness?  This is the perfect opportunity to break out and gain your life back. Opinions of others? Who gives a dogs heiny. No one else's opinions should matter at all, just yours. You cannot let others suck your happiness for entertainment value. There is only one unique you on this planet. I special set of DNA that no one else has. Opportunities that you control. A destiny that is your if you want it bad enough. Is it easy, no, but what that has value has value without sacrifice and pain? None, that's what. A life earned will be a good life in the end. A life squandered will end in misery, pain and regret. Your choice.

My condolences...

*hug*

Grieving is especially difficult when the person you depended on. It takes awhile to recover. Perhaps you could find resources online or at places which help with the process (church, synagogue, funeral providers, etc)?

Because you were counting on this person to support you during your transition, know also that they would want you to continue as best you can. Tend to your immediate hurts and needs, but then start back up on what you know is best for you.

*hugs*

I know it is possible. I have done it myself. I have strong resilience. My personality just doesn't force me to be happy even if it is the better option. I'm not a robot. You are right. I have agreed with you. It would be alot easier to think rationally about my own happiness and become and opportunist and have a good old time. I hope I can come close to that. You are right about ignoring people. I need to be alot stronger in that area. I had done that previous with my trans status. It still won't change the fact I can never get over my best friend being there for me. I guess I go into it and just hope I don't get too emotional about that while trying to maintain positivity. I did say to the counsellor I think if i'm happy it would of made my family happy. So I guess I just have to keep rethinking that over and over in times of stress/grief. Yes grief can be overwhelming to the point of depression/suicide sometimes. It had taken me 3 years to get over my mum, this time I lost 4 people at once. So it's alot to deal with thanks.

Anger is one of the stages of grief, btw.

And it's OK. We're here for you.

No one is asking you to force yourself to do anything, or to just be a robot. Allow yourself to feel anything you need to. Cry, yell, laugh inappropriately... It's all good. It will all help in the process of healing, and being able to move on, with the loved ones still in your heart.

I just wanted to mention to keep things in perspective. Something big and traumatic like the death of someone really close can color other things in your life and make them seem that much darker. Things that would be relatively easy to shake off and move past become more like the straw that broke the camel's back. Try to look around the magnifying glass rather than through it, if you can.

And if you're using the insurance money from their death to make your life better then that's a very beautiful thing, a final gift from them. Now it's up to you to appreciate the things they can no longer experience, even if you have to be sad for them and miss them while doing it.

Sal, imagine the situation was reversed. Imagine it was you who had died because of whatever (some accident, disease, etc). Imagine that you had arranged the money to go to someone you cared deeply about, enough to say you wanted to move oversea with (if I understood correctly). Also, that person who deeply cared about had some problem for which money could help, so you made sure to put that person on your will because you wanted to support them - but then death happen and catches you unprepared.

Now bear with me, even if you don't believe in afterlife: what would you think as a ghost? For the person you deeply cared about, wouldn't you wish for the best and the happiest life possible?

When you brush with death, these kind of thoughts come to you and you realize that there is only one important thing: that people be happy. I know about that quite well and I unfortunately have some scars to prove that.

On the "being happy" list, maybe you think about your friends and family first, not just because you love them, but because you know them better than say a random person in the street or some other family member. But eventually you come to have this kind love for every living person, and just want everyone to be happy. There is just some small priority because you know some persons better than others.

But for everyone to be happy, there is one important person to start with - yourself. You can not really bring genuine happiness to anyone if you can't even bring it to yourself. So start slowly: let the grief go, then think about how your friend, if alive, would have cared about your happiness. That does not exclude other persons: it only put you on top of the list, because of knowing you better. Then you can allow yourself to be happy.

It is a tough process.

For me, even after brushing with death myself (and not just once) it took the death of one close friend to understand that I did not allow myself to be happy. To finally start HRT. Unfortunately, that good friend will never know who I really was, because we lived far apart, and you can't really come out to an old friend when you only visit them a few days every other year. I still regret that, but at least it gave me the willpower to be walking my own path.

Don't ever think about the money. There was no money between my friend and me, except a small debt I was too ashamed of to give the money back to the family. So instead, every year, there will be the best flower I can get on the grave thanks to online flower delivery. It hurts me deep inside, but that is all I can do to honor the memory of that person who I deeply cared about, and who also deeply cared about me - even if my age was like only half!!

There is no magic formula. Just allow yourself to feel everything. Putting things under the rug is generally a bad idea.

you said

Quotethis person was going to be my biggest support and be around me when I was going to get my surgery's in the first place.

I believe that person will, indeed, be with you. Just know that the support was meant for you regardless of the situation and regardless of the form it took. Embrace that support in what you do, knowing that is the way she wanted it.

Sal, a hard question for you.... Is it possible that you are just plain scared and unsure if this is THE right thing to do?

I always looked upon surgery as a "maybe someday" thing. The engineer in me recoils at the concept of jumping into something like that without even knowing if I can hack it living in the real world as the real me. Low on the requirements for that is passing a Crocodile Dundee "Panty Check". So surgery is not a must for me.

My wife a few years ago poised a hypothetical question as one of the Super Mega Lotteries had a major payout. "What if...? Would I go the whole route, fully transition, whatever surgeries, BA, FFS, whatever, PLUS GCS?" Without hesitating the answer was "No".  I have no real idea how my life would be as a full-time woman. Only hints of the joy of feeling completely genuine, yet not living every day as the total me. So not really the totally genuine me, just the wished for version.

Baby Steps. Proceed along at a pace you are comfortable with. The right answer for you and your needs will always come when you need it to

Thank you girls, and yes it is something i've always wanted to do , I have hated my genitals since I was a kid, and hated the idea of being a boy. The surgery and full time RLE is something I have always wanted , it is something i still want if I have to continue living. My support was my family and they aren't here, but i'm strong, and I will go through with it anyway, there is 0% doubt I'm confused. I'm upset but yes I try to think that my family member will be with me in the kind of way of hero 6 where they're still in my heart/memories and I can hold onto that thought after I come out of surgery. I think i'm extremely blessed and lucky and yet I still feel despondency.

You are going through a lot of things right now - grieving for the loss of your friend, feeling the guilt that others are putting on you for inheriting the money, and dealing with gender dysphoria - any one of those is hard to deal with but all of them at the same time is overwhelming.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist to help you sort through these feelings? At some point all of these things have to be dealt with in order for you to move forward with your life and therapy can help with that. You can't do it alone.

Your friend would not want you to be dealing with all of this; she would much rather you use what she left you for your needs and she would wish for your happiness.

Hi Sal, My condolences too on your loss. It is tough going through all that you are, but I somewhat envy you, you're so young yet and have the opportunity to lived a more fulfilled life than many of us older girls who haven't transitioned yet could. Loss is always painful, as Eva said though, try finding a therapist to help with the grief and as she said, you'll need one for transition anyway.

Depending on where you live you could try finding a good trans support group. The one I visited was very friendly and it's also a chance to make new friends without hitting the bar scene. 

You're also lucky to have had a friend who cared about you so much as to help you have life. It is kind of the circle of life, - out of death comes new life. Make your friend proud of you.

Hugs and so glad you found us - we do care about all our family here.