I knew that I was TS as early as 4, although I did not know that the term transgender existed until I was 11. That was when I found out about SRS and decided that someday I would have that done because I knew even at that early age that it was the right thing for me to do.

I knew something was different about me from a very early age. I wished I were a girl, but worked hard to fit in, and I'm sure no one ever suspected the turmoil I felt inside. For much of my life, I tried to understand just where I fit ... crossdresser, transsexual, latent homosexual, just confused ... without being sure. For a long time, I denied it entirely, but it was always there ... every single day.

Finally, when I was in my mid-fifties, I HAD to see a therapist. I could no longer sleep, often going 2-3 days with less that 4 hours total. She confirmed what I had finally admitted to myself ... I am TS. I know it now. I have no doubts.

Now, I'm confronted with what to do about it. If only I had known when I was younger and my life less complicated. I have much to be thankful for in my life now ... a wife that I dearly love and two grown sons I am very close to. More than anything, I don't want to hurt them, and I want their lives to be happier than mine. At the same time, I know that I have hurt them by depriving them of my full attention because some of my energy is always diverted to my gender issue.

So far, this has meant that I haven't moved ahead in transitioning. How long I can do this, I don't know. I don't think I've gone a single day in the last 50 years without thinking about my gender issue and wishing I was a woman.

I would give my life for my wife and children. In a way, I may just be doing that by not transitioning.

This was a long answer to the question, but like the problem itself, the answer is not easy pin down.

Steph

I always felt different as a small child, and didn't fit in being a boy at all. I looked and acted somewhat effeminate, and often got harassed for being a ->-bleeped-<-, queer or sissy. Whenever an adult called me Miss, and then apologized, I wanted to say, no, you didn't make a mistake considering me a girl.

I can't remember the first time I heard the word transsexual, probably in elementary school, hearing other people making fun about a famous TS such as Christine Jorgensen or Renee Richards, it made me want to cry because I didn't think there was anything wrong with these stories...  I'm a musician, when I found out the Walter Carlos had become Wendy, I was fascinated and admired her greatly. I was in my 30s when I finally came out as ts in 1993.

zythyra

When I was around 13 or 14.  I was picked on constantly. 

Ella

Have I answered this yet? My earliest recollection at 3(?) was that I was a girl. One morning I woke up form a dream that I had been magically changed and, until I realized it wasn't true, I was in a state of absolute bliss, like I often am now, when I realize the utter miracle that has taken place. It truly is amazing that we CAN transition.

Hi y2gender

The first book I read when I learned about TS was Canary Conn. A girl who transitioned back in the 60's. She was 20 years old near the end of the 60's when she got the surgery. The story leading to the surgery is heart breaking but has a really wonderful ending. I would recommend it for anyone to read it.

Cindy

From age 5 or 6,just felt wrong and have always known that something had gone very wrong!

Quote from: cindybc on November 20, 2007, 02:29:44 AM
The first book I read when I learned about TS was Canary Conn. A girl who transitioned back in the 60's. She was 20 years old near the end of the 60's when she got the surgery. The story leading to the surgery is heart breaking but has a really wonderful ending. I would recommend it for anyone to read it.

I've never seen that book Cindy, and I've read just about every book I've been able to find on the subject of transgender.

zythyra

Personally I think the real TRUE answer to all of this is simple:

THE DAY YOU DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

My earliest recollection was that I knew I was "supposed to be" a girl, not much I could do about it at three years old.

Hi y2gender

I got the book from the local library in the town I was living at the time. Check out Amazon.com They may have it.

Cindy

Very early, the first instance of this I can remember I was about 4... and possibly even before. I was just a very strong urge to be female to wear the clothes act like a girl... everything. It really got bad when I turned 10 though as I was going into puberty and I was feeling the precursor effects of it and I was really distressed. After that up until now and even now, since I'm waiting to go to my first endo appointment on monday, I've been experiencing feelings of complete hopelessness... which I truely hope I won't have to feel ever again.

I didnt know about transsexuality then but I knew I was a girl when I was five.

I remember during preschool years my mom had let my hair grow long and at times on different occasions she dressed me up in little dresses and showed me off to the neighbors. Of course me loving being the center of attention I would put on a good show for everyone, even back then I loved putting on an act.

But then I also remember my going to the barber shop for my first hair cut, I was horrified and screamed and balled as I sadly watched helplessly as  my beautiful ringlets fell to the floor. Oh yes I knew I was different and I guess it showed and I certainly got my fair share of ass kicking in the school yard for it.

I made friends with this girl, her name was Helen, turns out she was an outcast as well, like me. We became best of friends, turns out she was one heck of a good street fighter and no one would mess with us. For five years we ran together inseparable like twins then she and her family left town.

At ripe old age of 15 years old I took to the road and hitchhiked to New York City and joined up with some hippies. I had long hair down to my butt back then and I really did look like a girl and they took me in believing I was a girl. I could so easily have transitioned back then if I had known of the possibility that it could be done but then back in 1962 I guess it wasn't to well known if there were places one could seek out for such a procedure. I lived in that commune for 1 1/2 years then had to return home because there was beginning to be to much unrest in the communes.     

It's been such a long time, and I don't remember a "definitive" moment in my life per se.

I do know that by third or fourth grade, I was regularly dressing up in my mother's clothes. (This would be in the 1970's.) I lived in a rural area, in a churchy environment, so I did not get a lot of exposure to the world in order to even hear about transsexualism. My mother would have been too naive to even really know about it, my father never really talked to us because he wasn't home much.

But by about fifth grade, I remember being so entranced by a book I saw on the shelf at the local library. It was called Conundrum (by Jan Morris), and I kept trying to sneak peeks at it. I remember being terrified that someone would see me, so I would take furtive glances, then kept putting it back. Obviously at that point in my life, although I don't remember what I was thinking, it's clear that the concept of transsexuality was something that I really connected with.

By sixth grade, I was miserable because I was not a girl. I was so envious of the girls -- their friendships, their clothes, their demeanor, I wanted badly to be part of their circle but couldn't be.

Throughout my teenage years, I knew about transition but had no idea of how I would do it... and to pursue it would disrupt my life tremendously and probably bring utter rejection by my entire family and social circle. So I never even really considered actually committing to doing it. I just dressed as much as I could when no one was home. I was also an escapist, with a wonderful imagination, and spent most of my time reading and being alone and imagining lots of different fantasies... so it was easiest at that time to "live in my head" and not live in real life. I never thought I would have to reconcile my outer world with my inner.

It was in my mid-20's where it finally hit me that (1) transition was possible and (2) I couldn't any longer live one life inside and a different life outside. So that's the first time when things got bad and I identified consciously as transsexual.

If I had been more aware of the cost I would pay for "suppressing" everything and thinking I could just live inside my whole life, if I had had a mentor who had transitioned or just someone who really understood everything, if I would have had a supportive home and social environment, if I hadn't been immersed in a conservative Christian subculture, perhaps I would and could have transitioned earlier. Pretty much my situation precluded any opportunity for an early transition.

At least now, I know what I am trading in. That's something, I suppose, and gives me assurance that I'm not missing something. I've tried life as a man and even during the good moments, things still were rather dreadful or at best "neutral" ... and never for long.

Hi Jennywocky
It is quite amazing how closely our life experiences turn out to be so closely related to one another. I can recognise many parts of your sorry that fit quite well to my own experiences. Except for my parents, they were really wonderful people both of them. But fear kept me from talking to them about it. As for my mom well I think she suspected but I never shared it with her.

Cindy

I did not even know the differences between being TS and transgendered/crossdresser until 4 weeks ago, so I would say officially around 2 weeks ago, but I have always felt like a girl since my earliest cohesive memories

I would have to say that my enlightenment came very recently as it did for maragirlygirr also.

In fact it was during a discussion with my therapist only yesterday when we finally nailed down the correct terms to use in our discussions.

Like almost all of you, I have known I was different from a very early age, 4 or 5 years old. 

I recently accepted that I was Transgendered and have been telling (a select few) people this, so it was embarassing yesterday, in discussion with my therapist, that I finally came to the realisation that I am not just Transgendered, but that I am Transexual.

My therapists definition:  If you have the desire to live your life in the opposite gender role then you are Transexual.

I would also agree with maragirlygirr from a purely personal view that "THE DAY YOU DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!" is another way to interpret the same point.

Just my 2c.

Jenny

I didn't know what a transsexual was until a few years ago. Sure I had heard of 'men that had surgery to be women', but I just assumed they were extreme drag queens. (another example the public doesn't get us, because i didn't) I had never heard of a female-to-male transsexual. I really thought I was unique in all the universe. that I was the only one like this - who wasn't their birth gender.

Now as far as my gender - I always knew I was a boy. In fact, I was too stupid to realize I was a 'girl' until age 4 when I saw my best friend take a piss in my backyard. I saw that he had something i did not. And I was very disturbed and confused.
I had always just assumed I was like my dad and would turn into a man like my dad.
I lived in one of those 'children are seen and not heard' strict religious households. I was severely punished for the slightest slip of the tongue. I never dared declare my true gender. I tried to tell in subtle ways: I loved the Peanuts comic strip and tv specials. When i was about 2, I would constantly say 'No I am Charlie Brown, not Lucy.'

i knew who I was until I died from puberty complications at age 11.

Quote from: Beverly on October 01, 2007, 07:15:21 PM
Me?

I wanted to be a girl when I was 4.  But that was back in the 50's, and boys were, well....just boys.  You got what nature dealt you. 

Bev

Yes that was me too. But of course I didn't know what transsexual meant. I remember some time in my teens reading about ->-bleeped-<-s and it sort of dawned on me that they were like me. I felt so ashamed of the fact that deep inside I wanted to be a girl, I felt like I must be some sort of pervert. So when I got to about 16/17 I fought against my inner feelings and tried so hard to be the best man I could be. And that brought me acceptance from others, whereas when I was younger I was always getting bullied and called names such as pansy, queer, nancy boy, etc.
By the time I was thirty I knew my feelings were different to other males but still didn't realise I was transsexual. I tried wearing womens clothes, going out for walks at night even, but I was reviled by the sight of my male face and body in womens clothes and tried to give it up.
It has only been in recent times that I can truly admit that, yes, I'm transsexual.
L