I dream that I'm female. My sexuality and the things that turn me on seem to be unexplainably more 'female'. And another thing I've always noticed is that in the moments directly after waking up from sleep, I feel these things so strongly. It's really weird. If I've fallen asleep with the TV on or something and then wake up and immediately I'm looking at a female on the screen, in the few moments it takes me to sort of become fully awake, I feel this really intense feeling. It's kind of this moment of clarity where all the questioning goes away and I know for sure that I wish I was female. But then it'll literally fade in seconds as I wake up properly. I'm really trying hard to figure out how and why I'm so messed up and what I really feel and this is something that often occurs to me.

It completely accounts for everything I have felt and do feel to say- my subconscious mind is female but my conscious mind is male. Does anyone identify with that? And does anyone have the same intense feelings upon waking?

I'm trying to find a way to deal with this. If I could take a pill and be cis female I'd do it in an instant, and I'm certain being female would fit my personality better, even though to the outside world I probably appear like a normal 'guy', but does that mean I was born transgender? I don't know if I'm just looking for a solution to all my insecurities- being shy, lacking confidence, being indecisive, being emotional. I feel really uncomfortable with who I'm supposed to be in life. I feel really uncomfortable around the confidence of large groups of guys,even though that's where I spend all my time, and I secretly feel very different, but to take those characteristics and say, it's because I'm female, is that in a weird way not kind of sexist? I don't know. I'm desperately trying to find out if I was born with this feeling or if it was something that has developed through circumstances beginning in early childhood. If they could just hurry up and identify something in the brain that determines gender that would be great.

Quote from: orangejuice on May 19, 2015, 10:42:19 AM
If they could just hurry up and identify something in the brain that determines gender that would be great.

You could have a look here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188501.msg1676923.html#msg1676923


I'd say its a case of overthinking... just relax...
and go with a feeling of joy...


hugs

I believe there are 2 sections in the brain the determine ones gender BSTc and INAH3. Studies have shown that the trans brain is more similar to the sex they identify with then the sex they were assigned. It also shows that sexuality and hormones levels have no effect on the size of these regions. So a homosexual cis male has the same sized bstc region in the brain as a cishet male or a trans male.  But trans women have a bstc that is far more similar to a cis women. 

I don't remember many of my dreams, so I don't really know my gender in them.

But long before I knew I was trans, some part of my subconscious was trying to tell me. I always felt like I belonged in the company of females and like I didn't belong in the company of males. I always wished I could be female with a female body. I liked movies, books, and music intended for women, and liked friendships better with women.

Some something deep in there knew I was intended to be a girl.

I sorta know that feeling.
I may feel female when singing to some songs or just daydreaming BUT immediately after I wake up I usually feel male. When I lie down to sleep I usually feel female. When I'm angry I usually feel male. Usually it doesn't take an effort to feel female (comes naturally). In 99.9% of my dreams so far I was male. It was only like 10 or so times I remember that I saw myself from 3rd person perspective as a girl and basically felt super happy and weird for days after this kind of dreams.
When I try to concentrate and think about something serious I usually am "male".

I understand that feeling as well. To most people I would seem to be an average male, although recently after coming out to my wife I have felt more comfortable acting and being the person I am inside.

As far as dreams I think I don't really have gender for the most case. However I do remember a few that I was female, and I wake up every once in a while with that hope that, that magic had happened and I will finally be a girl or have been all along I just didn't realize.

There are times that I do and say things that are just so overly male that I hate myself. I know that it is just because it's been so overly pushed into my being by being raised male but I am working at changing all of that. Of course I don't have any answers but just wanted to let you know you aren't the only one shui feels that way.

I've definitely had plenty of dreams where I have been female. Those are always my favorite and usually I wake up quite happy. Until reality sets in, but remembering them helps than if I didn't have those dreams.

And to get a little metaphysical with your question, that's true for everyone that is trans*. Their subconscious mind says one thing but their conscious mind (the one influenced by society and environment) tries to say another. You have always known you're female (if you are, a question only you can answer) in your subconscious. Sometimes, it just takes longer for the rest of you to catch up. Especially as you've been raised as a male. Society says you are a male. Trusted doctors say you are male. Family says you are male. Ergo, you must be male. At least, that's how the conscious mind sees it. Sadly, the conscious mind is an idiot. Easily fooled.

The subconscious mind, on the other hand, is almost impossible to deceive. It takes in and processes so much information that you are never aware of. The very fact that you are considering the possibility that you aren't entirely male is a clue in and of itself. Many cisgendered people would never consider the possibility beyond "Wonder what it'd be like to be female". Their subconscious mind is male, their body is male.

The question is, how far along the spectrum do you lean? Say, for example, are you 30% male, 70% female? 50/50? Questions only you can answer with a lot of time, effort and patience. You'll probably never have exact numbers but you'll eventually discover to which side you lean more. Then you can decide where you want to go with it.

But, the most important part is to take things slow and be open. Be patient with yourself. After I started actively thinking about whether or not I was really trans, I spent almost a year in self-exploration before deciding that yes, I truly do see myself as female. A good portion of that time, however, was spent between saying "yes" and "no" to the girl inside of me. I couldn't make up my mind because sometimes, I did feel like I was male. While I still have those feelings, which I guess would make me more gender fluid than typical transgender female, I lean heavily toward female the vast majority of time to the point where transitioning isn't really a choice for me, but a need.

XD No idea if any of that was what you were looking for. I just got done writing a few chapters in my novel so I'm a bit overly wordy still.

My experience is similar to what KylieW is saying.  At almost 54 I finally realized what my mind has been trying to tell me for years.  I've always known I'm female, it started as a young child.  As I grew older and was expected to be a man, I was able (at least I thought I was) to tamp down that knowledge.  There would be periods where it would emerge into my conscious mind and I would act on the urges by wearing makeup and dressing, but I was always able to(at least I thought I was) tamp it back into the nether regions.    But as KylieW put it "the conscious mind is an idiot" and my subconscious mind was at work and trying to overcome the obstacles placed in its way.  That led to a tension that exhibited itself as depression.  I could never figure out why I was so unhappy with my life.  I had a great job, money and kids but I could not let myself be happy.  There was always this dark cloud over me.  When I finally broke through and was able to figure out I was transgender, it was like the dark cloud was lifted.  Since I have allowed Jessie to emerge and begun medical treatment, my outlook has changed 180 degrees.  I am no longer praying to die and I am looking forward to every new day. 

Sure I wish that I could take a pill and I would magically transform in the woman I've always been.  But since I live in the real world I am content to give myself my injections every two weeks and let nature take its course over the next couple of years. 

Good luck on your journey of self discovery and I hope you can find your answers!

Quote from: KylieW on May 20, 2015, 03:48:03 PM

And to get a little metaphysical with your question, that's true for everyone that is trans*. Their subconscious mind says one thing but their conscious mind (the one influenced by society and environment) tries to say another. You have always known you're female (if you are, a question only you can answer) in your subconscious. Sometimes, it just takes longer for the rest of you to catch up. Especially as you've been raised as a male. Society says you are a male. Trusted doctors say you are male. Family says you are male. Ergo, you must be male. At least, that's how the conscious mind sees it. Sadly, the conscious mind is an idiot. Easily fooled.

The subconscious mind, on the other hand, is almost impossible to deceive. It takes in and processes so much information that you are never aware of. The very fact that you are considering the possibility that you aren't entirely male is a clue in and of itself. Many cisgendered people would never consider the possibility beyond "Wonder what it'd be like to be female". Their subconscious mind is male, their body is male

Ye this is basically my struggle. I think I've learnt to be male. But it just so happens I was lucky enough in appearance (above average looking) and talent ( good at sports) to be succesful at what societies view of 'male' is. It's like the person that I made do with had to be 100% of that option of myself. Now things are different. I'm not happy with 'guy' me anymore. I've fantasised about being a girl since I was three, but I honestly don't think I'd be so unhappy and I'd be ale to live a good life if my hair hadn't started to fall out at 18. I'm really embarrassed but it makes me want to kill myself. I look in the mirror and I see a stranger and literally loathe my appearance. As a result of being trans? Or a reason why I've come to the conclusion I might be trans? I don't know , sorry to anyone reading this I probably just sound like someone who is really messed up. I'm not. I've just been give feelings by life( God? If so then maybe ->-bleeped-<- you God? I mean wtf? explain, but at the same time I want to believe in you so much) that I do NOT understand.