How many of you have said goodbye to your male persona?

Sometime thru the journey I always knew that I would have to say goodbye to my male persona. My therapist had told me this and I thought that I had now nicely put away that person.  So I came out to my best male friend, as I am getting ready to start my RLE. I told him on a Friday and he came into our office on Monday saying he was depressed and could not get out of bed, he was mourning me, his male friend. So I wrote him a long letter and during this process it became very emotional for me. I have since been somewhat sad and I know now that I am truly going thru the mourning process. This male friend wrote a heartwarming response including the comment that a 90% score card in life would be good for most people, but you want more. How can you settle for 90% when you have a chance for more?  I was telling this to one of my TG girlfriends and she said that getting rid of her male persona was easy, as she hated being a male. I on the other hand had a full life as a male and was actually an outstanding male and I don't hate him, so maybe that's why I'm mourning him with so many fond memories. I don't know if other go thru this?

I sort of know how you feel I didn't realise how much I actually didn't like him until I accepted me. But he was kind to me and protected me as best he could. I admire and love him for that. When he finally disappeared I held a little wake for him. Just me, diaries and thoughts of how brave he was.

Then I let him go and promised him that I would not let him down.

I haven't.

I liked dude-me, he was a loving, caring, sensitive guy but also had a "few" problems. I did cry for "him" when I was close to going full time and realised I loved him but that he had suffered enough. I haven't mourned or said goodbye because "he" never went away... I'm still me, just more comfortable in my own skin. It's kind of like how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, it's still the same just different!

I don't want to seem strange, but I do wonder at that advice. Of course for me notions like transitions and surgery etc are over 30 years in the past so my perspective may be a bit warped, but I don't recall doing anything so drastic as ditching a male personality.

Then again back then there was no such thing as a gender therapist so I hade to make my own rules for this, but I don't recall there being any real issue over personality. I was a very young transitioner, and indeed I had also partially transitioned in childhood so perhaps my so called male personality wasnt that extreme, I don't know, but I certainly had a very full life before my metamorphoses, and indeed one which essentially just carried on.

I think as you go on life does shape you, but I am not entirely convinced that men and women are so very different really. In fact one of the nicest things that anyone ever said was when someone came to meet me who hadnt seen me for many decades and who had only really known me as James. He was rather nervous, but then saw me and immediately said, "oh its ok I was imagining some strange person, but actually you're just a rather more attractive and happier version of James," and I had to agree.

I personally think a lot of trouble stems from this notion that one has to "become someone different" even now 30 years on James and Jenny are essentially the same person and my life is a seemless whole. People know me now as an accomplished woman, who has achieved much, and I don't go parading the past but it is a part of me and I'm good with that. In fact in the career I have now chosen, being able to draw on those experiences sometimes helps me immensely.

So my advice would be don't be too hasty to bury an old friend. He's probably just taking a nap, and when he wakes up you'll find he can be quite adaptable, indeed as Grace so rightly implied, you may find he was a woman all along.

Thank you Cindy and Grace. It always feels better when other go thru a similar process. Yes there were part of him I hated, the ruthlessness, agressiveness and the need to dominate but he was kind and stood up for the weakest and was the ultimate family provided. I will always remember him but he will no longer be me, goodbye.

Thank you R for your describing your experience. I guess I'm also older transitioner and had a very full life as a male, the other TG I wrote about was also a youger transitioner. I'm wondering if the long life as a male changes about how we feel.

When I first went full-time, yes, I had a bit of a feeling of loss, feeling like I was killing off my male persona, or like I was having to leave him behind in order to take on this new life.

A year later, I'm shocked that I ever felt that way. Maybe it's just because I was expecting being post-transition to be more of a difference than it actually was, or maybe just because now whenever I have dreams about my past it doesn't even occur to me that I wasn't always socially female, (whenever I have dreams about middle or high school nowadays, I'm not male in them, I'm just a younger version of my current self.) But yeah, it's feeling more and more like he never existed in the first place, and that I was always this self. It didn't feel like that at first, but now it really does. And now I'm frankly mad at anyone who is still clinging on to or mourning that old self because it's like "Hello... I'm right here in front of you."

Around twenty years ago I did a little laying to rest ceremony for my old self, but as time has gone on I've come to accept that in a sense I'm standing on his shoulders.  For all his faults he did manage to keep me safe until the time came for me to be released and fly.  All his skills and knowledge are available to me which when it comes to metalworking and automotive engineering are quite considerable, so while I have no interest at all in continuing to live his life I did get to keep all the good and useful things from his life which are still of use to me now.

actually I never had one.

Just before going full time, i had lost that constant sense of being false. I realized that I had lost the mask that was him. Like others said I liked him. He worked so hard to be a good person, kept me from the worst of the worst and made sure my life wasn't a total mess. He was just so tired and in need of sleep. So I sat myself down in front of a mirror and told him it was going to be ok. He didn't have to suffer any more. I was going to be ok.

I won't lie, I balled my eyes out. But it felt so good. The job done, the fictional me walked off into the darkness for good. A month later I went through all of my possesions, one small van load, and worked out what was mine and what was his. His stuff went to the trash and recycling bin.

I learned too that my closest male friend got a bit depressed mourning the loss of his friend. He talked to his therapist about it and she has been helping him grieve. He sees how much happier I am now though and I think is glad for me. I'm a much more engaged person in life now and my friend has already been reaping the bennefits. He is one of my biggest boosters. Our friendship has changed but for the better. Just like my life in general.

I should mention too that I am keeping his memory alive with his name. Kellam is an old family name, and one of my middle names. And as you can see I am still using it for online purposes. This account and others that can't be changed for archive continuity reasons that I started pre transition. I haven't deleated my old Facebook profile either, it stands as a  testiment to his public life. Also, I wrote and self published a memoir as Kellam and I have decided to keep it out there as a nom de plume. I actually went back to a truncated version of my birth name Chris, as she was always me, even when I was Kellam. It was his version of my life that helped me remember the closet that I was living in in full. I am now writing the rest of the story.

Quote from: Cindy on May 22, 2015, 03:05:46 AMWhen he finally disappeared I held a little wake for him.

I've seriously considered doing this, and in fact seeing as how one or two of you in this thread have done it, I think I probably will. Not quite yet though, maybe once I go full time? He still shows up too often when I'm scared or upset.

For me, having lived as a male for so long there is a definite sort of split. Not at the level of two actual split personalities that take over my brain, but there's the male facade and the female inner self that can tend to get temporarily re-buried or whatever. While the facade is great for survival, he also leads to massive amounts of self-loathing and other negative feelings. He'd be great in a zombie apocalypse type deal, but I think I can make it in today's society without him. I hope.

Shh. It's okay. You did great. Thank you.

It seems I've never really had a male persona. I am who I am, and always have been. Transition for me a loss of depression and a change in labels and packaging. The friends that have known me a long time all comment that I'm the same person I've always been, just happier and more settled - and less likely to do stupid things or take unnecessary risks.

I couldn't say goodbye because there wasn't anything to say goodbye to.

Any attempts that I made at constructing a "male persona" were flimsy and weak. Only the most clueless and dim were able to not see through it. There really wasn't much to discard.

I buried my "old self" a long time ago. (Which only had a name, but was never anything genuine)

Good Riddance.

I'm just me. Past school and university, I never felt the need to hide any aspects of my personality, I just showed different ones around different people.  When presenting as female, I don't act different, I just have different mannerisms.

I struggle with a little loss, but I've come to realize I was a paper tiger as a male who never really existed outside of illusion. I will always be me I've not really changed as far as who I am.

i havent and probably wont. the male me is apart of me and thus was a factor in which shaped me today. i survived even the most devastating of situations because of my male persona. i will always hold him close to my heart but as i continue to "grow" up and walk on my own 2 feet, that side of me will always stay and eventually when i'm stronger, my male side will finally be able to say "i've done my job so now i will rest." i think of my male side as my protector.

I recently discovered the label demigender. It means I'm partially female. I've been saying for a while I was 70% female, but I didn't know the appropriate term. That means I'm BOTH Ashley AND Allen in that order. And therefore my name Ashley Allen Williams is perfect for me. I will never say good bye to Allen. I have fully embraced Ashley though. Now we can both live in peace.

All of your stories are so beautiful, my goodness. I think that once I start passing full time and really feel that the male part of me can be completely laid to rest, I will probably acknowledge this in some way. You all have really got me thinking...

A huge part of me was within him and those caring and sensitive traits have carried through. I never had to say good by to him because he is still within me. He will always be a part of me. I'm thankful he carried me through as long as he could. I talked about different things to help bring closure to those around me, but for me his last great stand was nearly 3 years ago even though he existed for about two more years.
Mariah

I am an older transitioner and had a long full life living as a man.  It was huge relief to let him go and till then I didn't realize how much work it was to keep that mask or persona going.  I am a different person now but as Lady Smith wisely notes I have all of his knowledge and skills with me.  I remind my friends and family who have mourned "his" demise that our memories are alive and now we can know each other more honestly. 

I had a pendulum affect and rejected any male sort of clothing for months till now being comfy wearing anything I like.  I still catch troubling glimpses of that guy in the mirror but my heart and being are full on Tessa.  Eventually, I could not care for the man I was and self loathing was not helpful.  I love feeling this free

Similar to Ashley I kept my old first name as my new middle name and this nicely reflects my desire to respect my whole life.