Thank you for sharing, Kelly...
QuoteToday was 2nd therapist session
I just feel....meh
I expected more but he said we need to take it really slowly.
This time the whole session was like 15 min. I wanted more time but he said only the first session is longer.
Wow, here in the States a typical session is 40-50 minutes. First session is often 1.5 hours...can't get much accomplished in 15 minutes, I'd think.
He asked me about how I generally feel (concerning gender), if I can imagine myself as a girl (as an image) - I told him it's more vague, more like a feeling. He was interested in if I crossdress (in the house or outside) and how I feel about it.
A thing I could not answer was if I was marooned in a desert island and had never seen a human how would I feel (male or female) and if I would want to change my body.
Αnother question was about how I like sex (at least imagining). (As a woman with a woman, but vaguely).
He told me my situation is not typical but I have a more or less female identity (to a high percentage) and that I'm lesbian.
I'm not sure there is a "typical" situation. There was a time when TG/TS people had to basically recite Teh Gospel According To The Almighty Gatekeepers in order to enter the hallowed gates of Transition-Land, but not so much anymore (at least, in the States). Maybe that's the "typical" he's referring to? (My trasition narrative was very similar to yours, except instead of dealing with Uni, I was dealing with major childhood sex abuse issues).
QuoteOk enough preamble. Today I saw she was wearing a nice multicolored knitted sweater that I really liked and I told her I liked it a lot. Her response was that her boyfriend gave to her. Anyway later as I was sitting on the pc she came by and showed me her painted nails. I told her they were nice and she told me how she painted them. She also remarked that they already chipped after one day.
...So the question is: am I sending off the wrong vibes?
I meant what I told her and anyway there isn't any chance having her as gf...
She's not making a pass at you, Kelly. And you're not sending off the wrong vibes...on the contrary, she may be picking up your interest in girly things, and is showing her interest in you, as "platonic girlfriend" Kelly (even though she doesn't know anything about Kelly).
My experience has been that the cheaper polish chips easily. Buy her (and you!) some quality nail polish. ($5-$10/bottle). A coat of clear first, two coats of color, and a clear top coat. Don't paint your nails like painting a house...start at the cuticle, one long stroke in the middle of the nail to the tip, and one on each side of the center strip. Don't daub it on. (YouTube has videos)
QuoteHe told me that since I'm not sure about the whole thing to do things I like (wear women's jeans, paint my nails if I want) but not do something permanent. Also that I shouldn't feel as if I need to decide to "do one thing or the other". It drives me crazy thinking about it. Still, many times when I see a girl I keep wishing I was her. But it doesn't change the fact that sometimes I would feel as I'm pretending to be a girl (even if I like it) when actually I'm not.
Early in transition it was common for me to do only "temporary" things. Nails, hair, etc. Over time, as I acclimated to these new things, I would add more. The thing that made me cross into permanent changes (HRT at first, SRS later) was two things (in my case):
First, treatment for depression using testosterone/androderm: On first application, it was like I had put poison on me. By the third-fourth application (a month and a half later), I had realized that is not working for me, and I'd have to look into Estrogen, anti-androgens, and...how those would affect me physically/emotionally.
Second, during the testosterone therapy, I was given a set of very nice breast forms by a friend. They gave me about a B-C cup, and although I felt weird holding them and looking at the bra my ex let me use...I was like, "well, let's see how this works." Put them on, and placed my hand center-chest between the "valley", and just melted into myself. "OH MY GAWD....I *need* these!" From then on, getting on HRT was the next step in the process of transitioning...getting on hormones, AND how to tell my kids and then-wife what was happening.
The single most important piece of advice I heard (by the cd+MtF couple who gave me the forms) was, "Take it slow! Enjoy each step on this journey, not everyone wants SRS or permanent breasts or whatever...but if YOU feel it is necessary to be at ease with your body...then you need it."
Quote from: kelly_1979 on May 21, 2015, 10:02:31 AM
Today and yesterday for various reasons, I felt terribly deppessed again, extremely envious of certain girls and "hate" towards male voice, presentation and imagining of growing to an old man. I could hardly keep myself from crying. I don't want to talk to anybody because I'm afraid I'll breakdown and start crying. Yet when I want to cry I can't. I really couldn't do basically anything at the university.
Sorry for moaning but that's how I feel now.
Your story is my story. It was in therapy that I discovered my dislike for "being a man" (I actually felt like I was play-acting the part), growing old as a man was, for me, a terrible thing. So was growing old as a woman LOL, but at least I wouldn't despise myself as an old woman!
The difficulty in crying I had also. My male-self was so caught up in "being a man", and he knew that some men cried, but by golly that nonsense wasn't for him!! It wasn't until I had come out as Beth (in the therapy office and in the car with my ex) that crying was allowed from this body.
This is a process of coming out, Kelly. Just like a seed doesn't sprout and flower in minutes, it takes its time. Cracks the seed-shell (the "male" self), a sprout forms, breaking the surface of the earth, reaches for the sun, and when it's ready...it blooms in all its beauty.
Be patient, and let things happen in their time, and above all, love yourself, however Kelly presents. And also allow your male self to break apart, and fall away gently.
Wow, that was kind of sappy, weren't it?
Hope this helps!
