Today my mom the bigot who can't learn to accept people for who they are decided to tell me that I'm an embarrassment and that I'll have no future. 

She kept yelling at me and expected me to say, you are right I am all these horrible things.  Seriously you can call you're child all these horrible things and act like that's okay is really pathetic. 

It came out of nowhere while we were just talking about normal family stuff, like usual, and she expected me to be lime "you are right I am an embarrassing failure with no future because I'm a twisted queer. 

Wow, all of a sudden I'm a straight cis gender guy".  And i cant even try defending myself cause im always wrong snf just get shout down even more.  I give up.  Seriously, she has been nothing but a nightmare and just keeps putting me down rather than try and accept who her kid is. 

And I've already been trying to cope with depression and suicidal feelings as best as I can that I don't need to be told by my family that I'm an embarrassing failure cause I'm trans.  I need to cut these toxic people out of my life.  They have been nothing but hostile since and it just makes everything all the more harder. 

I mean to tell me my college education and degree means nothing cause no one will want to employee a freak like me is just cruel and false.  I'm going to go much further than she has ever done and I'll do all that while being the embarrassing queer freak that I am. 

I'm. It going to be bullied into living the life other people want for me rather than deny who I am and what I want for me.  I'm tired of this.  I don't do anything to hurt anyone and I'm sorry if my family is having a tough time but I deserve to be happy too. 

My mom has told me she rather me be unhappy living the life she envisioned for me rather than me being happy being trans. That's what sort of person she is.  And  the constant shaming and telling me that ever sees me as a freak and that I have no future is just heartless and cruel. 

I don't know what to do, but I'm really ready to cut them out of my life.  I just wish I had money so I could move elsewhere.  I'm really done.  But I can't move out cause I don't have it financially.  I just can't do this anymore.

She's going to drive her kid to suicide with all kf her attacks and won't care until its too freaking late.  But I know who I am and what I want out of life.  I deserve that just like any other human and screw anyone who wants to take that away from me.

I'm sorry I just am in so much pain and have no one to talk to and nowhere to go.  I'm just so depressed, hurt and lost and just want to finally feel comfortable and happy.  But my family won't let me and part of me fears my moms attacks a out how everyone will hate me and discriminate, judge and hurt me may end up being true. 

Eh....  I'm really sorry for this rant.  I just needed to let this out somewhere.

I feel your pain. I'm in the same boat, only it's my dad and (fortunately) he's not saying these things to my face.

I know it's hard, and I'd have a harder time if it was my mom than my dad (who I don't care about at this point), but you'll get through it. The further you get in your transition the happier you'll feel. I hope it turns out well for you.

if it helps, it sounds more like your mother's a total control freak. As difficult as it is, don't listen to her. You are not an embarrassment with no future.

I'm glad you felt you could let it out to us. Not all of us will read it, or all of it, because it triggers them. Not all of us will see it. But there isn't one of us who hasn't been there, even if only in a small way. I care what happens to you.

Your mother is wrong, you're not doomed to be a failure, but I think you know that. You're not evil, or broken, or strange. Well, OK, most of us are strange. I'll give you that. I won't ask you to see her side. It comes from ignorance and fear, at a minimum, possibly from shame, although she has no real cause for it. Just a little possibly from some form of love and a fear for you.

You can be anything you choose to be, if you don't let the haters beat you down.

Know this, spiritually, and from experience, you are my sibling, and I love you. I want only good for you and that nothing bad for you should happen. You have people on your side.

Whoa, it is so cruel of her. I'm really sorry to read this, I mean really.

I think she's so desperate to "change your mind" (lol how naive) she has to try the most vile and cruel things. Well, I wish her luck lol.

I really don't think she (at the core) believes this things she say, however she feels she has to give the last utterly desperate efforts to make you move back. I read some of your previous posts, and I recalled how she was forcing you to come out to your dad while you were so afraid of his reaction, my thought was she was forcing you somehow to step back, and to prove you wrong in this transitioning thing. My general impression about her (please don't take it bad) is she is a very manipulative and controlling person, so whenever she feels she is right about something, she's gonna try to have it her own way (unless she feels there's no chance of this). I lived a somehow similar experience and it took me years of bluntly moving forward to make her understand there was no way of opposing/reversing/avoiding this.

Again, I'm really so sorry to read all this stuff, wish I could help.

Also on a sidenote: If she's soooo worried about employers hiring "a freak"... Had she thought on helping you financially with cosmetic procedures, nice clothing, gym suscription, voice therapy... etc etc etc to making things easier to you? Nice point imho.

Hey LTL,

So sorry these challenges with your mom are unrelenting.  It is damaging to our psyche to hear such hurtful and toxic attacks from those who could be making a positive difference.   Having been here for years it seems to me that you have worked very hard to be gently considerate and ease into your transition while being supportive of your family.   Even while being so trashed you have expressed how important your family is and your tenacity in staying home and connected is borderline harmful, as you say. 

You are a bright and resourceful girl and it seems there must be a better place and future for you to steer toward with definite steps.  As you also know, this is a great place to rant and grieve as necessary.  I know you will hang in there.

Remove her from your life. For you, its life or death, and until she can at least tolerate you then she serves no purpose.

Ignore her words, let them bounce off you like arrows to a shield. Its in the past now.  Deattach yourself from her words as if watching it in 3rd person. Do not lose your sense of mind, keep focus on your mission. Do not deter from your mission until you accomplish it. You are now working at a higher level of becoming who you are meant to be. Life or death. Don't choose death. You are laying the bricks to a happy life as we speak. We are in a time were this situation is fixable.

Imagine the millions before who dream to be in your shoes in the years gone by; you are in a great age of medicine. Do not lose that focus. You are fighting for all of us here, since you are a voice of a large community who needs an inspiration.

Quote from: Wild Flower on May 23, 2015, 12:48:03 PM
Remove her from your life. For you, its life or death, and until she can at least tolerate you then she serves no purpose.

Ignore her words, let them bounce off you like arrows to a shield. Its in the past now.  Deattach yourself from her words as if watching it in 3rd person. Do not lose your sense of mind, keep focus on your mission. Do not deter from your mission until you accomplish it. You are now working at a higher level of becoming who you are meant to be. Life or death. Don't choose death. You are laying the bricks to a happy life as we speak. We are in a time were this situation is fixable.

Imagine the millions before who dream to be in your shoes in the years gone by; you are in a great age of medicine. Do not lose that focus. You are fighting for all of us here, since you are a voice of a large community who needs an inspiration.

This is exactly what I did. She said nasty things and tried to change my mind but I cut her out and kept going. Now once she realized she failed, we have a stronger bond than we ever did as "male". We have dinner weekly now. Time and space cure everything so you need to get out.

Hugs, LTL.

What you're getting from your Mom, that isn't love.

I feel bad for her. She has a wonderful daughter and can't appreciate her.

I think you did the right thing ranting here, this site is here to help people even if it is only a place where people can have a safe outlet for their negative feelings. Live for the day that you can move away from your hateful mother to a place that is more accepting, a place where you can truly be yourself.

to be blunt, I have to agree with everyone here. You've had this problem with your mother since I started to be on Susan's. Your mother holds the sledge hammer over your head and she's knows it. Time to move on , you've graduated from college, find people to live with through adds or your friends. cut the poison from your life. Once you move on your mother will have no choice but to accept or completely abandon you. I'm guessing she'll won't want to lose you completely and if she does she's not your mother anyway.

Quote from: Dee Marshall on May 23, 2015, 12:05:31 PMI care what happens to you.

Me too.

This is a terrible thing you're going through now, but I assure you that your life won't always be this bad, even if it doesn't look like it at the moment.

There is happiness waiting for you, I promise

I don't know if you're living with her, but if you aren't cut all contact with her. I had to do that with one of my sisters for the same reason. over 6 months later I heard back from her and she's not attacking me anymore, but I'm still her brother and not her sister.

I remember she told me that this was not God's plan for me. I believe God made me transgender because I can deal with it. I've dealt with it quite well as a matter of fact. I believe that I can help others that are trans. Maybe not in mass, but even if I can help a couple here and there I'll know I'm right. I would love to be able to tell her that, but I'm sure she won't listen.

I hope it works out for the best for you. I've had a hard life myself, but it was worth it even after all the times I almost didn't make it.

I wish the best for you hun :[ I've known friends and others who had to grow up with controlling or very selfish parents and while I grew up with a great set of parents ( Minus my mother use to verbally unload all her anger onto me as a kid) I can understand to a degree of what you're going through.  I hope you can get things set up to just get away and live out the rest of your life away from your Mother, because as much as I hate to say it...she doesn't respect you or give you the proper space as a human being :[.  I can't think of any option that would work other than just distancing yourself from it all, because it seems liek she won't change or listen to you.  All the love and luck! 

Here are a few thoughts that might help you...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,189190.msg1683329.html#msg1683329

Well its up to you what you say...
if you are dependent you might consider...

it seems like a tug of war.
It might be a good idea instead of getting into heated discussions to remain calm and state needs and emotions... instead of falling into old patterns.
This might give a few hints:
wikihow dot com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication
It might take some practise in the beginning.

And, as others have stated, you might think about how much time you want to spend with them.

Have you considered a counselor ?
And there might be support groups.

Just know you're a valuable human being... with an intrinsic value, not dependent on anything else...


have a *hug*

Hi LTL,

Sorry your Mom continues to not accept you. I think some distance may be what you need to do for a while.

I would not listen to her rants saying you are not going to be this or that. She is trying to manipulate you.

Keep on posting for support, that is why we are here.

Have you ever considered that you might have a "narcissistic" mother? Mine acts the same way and she has all of the classic symptoms of a narcissistic mother. You can Google that term to find out more. The symptoms are:

Unpredictable way of relating - warm, but then goes cold; pouts for attention; cuts others off emotionally; won't talk or look at them, but will be sweet to the person standing at their side

Withholding - affection, attention, acknowledgement

Lacks empathy - teases, taunts, and berates another; gets irate and calls you sensitive when you tell them how it affects you

Critical - judges others openly, taunts, compares and ridicules and is relentless about it, but then can turn around as say, "Just kidding!" and "Boy, are you sensitive!"

Envious - cannot tolerate another person having what they feel they are lacking; could be anything from they are losing (which means, to an narcissist, that they, themselves, are slipping away...), and this can feel, to the narcissist, akin to death. 

Narcissicism is nasty business.

Regardless of whats causing it - non acceptance and abuse such as what your mom is doing to you can wreck your life. At some point you just have to cut ties with her for your own well being and move on. I had to do the same with my abusive mother who told me that I am now a "sad caricature" of who I used to be, even though I am in a much better place than I was before.

I had to cut ties with  a nar sister

Your mom's attitude is, well, flabbergasting.

Rest assured you are not a failure because you are trans.

Look at successful trans people such as Lynn Conway. If anything, when Robert Sanders* became Lynn Conway and pushed GD out of the way she achieved many great things. Her life became 1000% brighter. Even in my own life despite my trials and tribulations, once transition began for me my life just lit up like a christmas tree. I had a whole new outlook on life. I've lost weight, become healthier and all of my chronic medical conditions are under very good control.

I don't know why people can't see this.

*Robert Sanders is an alias used to identify Lynn's male past when she tells her story, and was not her real identity.

Sorry that your mom doesn't get it and is clearly not understanding of your transition. As others have said it's time to cut your loses and cut ties from her. If she loves you at all she will eventually reach out because what she is doing now is not love. She is missing out on the wonderful daughter she has. Good luck and hugs
Mariah