I don't know how to tell my girl that I find it weird that some her exes still want to be apart of( Monkeys life, her daughter)like I understand the biological father being apart of her life but not her exes they didn't help her create the baby. Its like I am her boyfriend so its weird to have another dude who's not her bio father still wanting to be apart of her life. I already said I would step up to responsibility to help take care of her because I think I should as her bf and she already knows that but the other part I don't know how to say it, I feel bad because her daughter is only 4 and whines for me and her exes.

I don't know...it is weird, and yet it isn't too. Like on one hand, I wouldn't like other guys hanging around my girl and the daughter, vying for their attention lol. But at the same time, if the little girl is cute and sweet...and is happy to see them...I can see why they would want to stick around. Who doesn't love a little girl getting a huge smile on her face when they see you?

Quote from: Adam (birkin) on May 22, 2015, 05:31:23 PM
I don't know...it is weird, and yet it isn't too. Like on one hand, I wouldn't like other guys hanging around my girl and the daughter, vying for their attention lol. But at the same time, if the little girl is cute and sweet...and is happy to see them...I can see why they would want to stick around. Who doesn't love a little girl getting a huge smile on her face when they see you?

Yea.... but, I wanna be a father figure in her life and I don't want another dude who's not even her bio dad to try an stay in her life, that's weird to me.

It does seem odd. If it's every couple of months it would be OK I guess but if it was every week or two then that's weird. Knowing some guys it's just and excuse to hang around the ex

It is strange and if I was a child's father figure, I wouldn't allow it. Unfortunately you're probably not in a position to tell your girlfriend who her daughter should and shouldn't see, you've only been dating for how long?

Like Ms. Grace said, the guys are probably using the daughter as an excuse to keep seeing her mother, their ex. Maybe they're trying to prove to their ex that they're nice guys and worth taking back by pretending to still care about her daughter. Either that or it's their ex who's using her daughter as an excuse to keep old boyfriends in her life. I don't know her or the situation so the best advice I can give is to talk to her about it and tell her your concerns.

I'm of the opinion that unless you know you're in a relationship for the long run and it's starting to get serious you should stay out of the child or children's life/lives. Constantly having a revolving door of wannabe "father figures" isn't going to give a child the stability they need not to mention it opens the door for other possible problems like abuse.

I think it depends on the level of bond between the ex and the child.  I also think it depends on how long the child was in the ex's life.

For example, if the ex was in the little girl's life for the last 2 years and he and your GF only broke up two months ago, it makes sense that there will still be some connection for a period of time.

Shifting a parental figure away from a child should be a thought out process related to timing.  He should see the child less and less if he is trying to disengage from her.  And yes, he SHOULD disengage from her at some point.  It is your girlfriend's job to set those boundaries with her ex.

As an aside, it doesn't matter if the person was the bio father or not.  Our parents are the people who raise us and love us.

Quote from: Contravene on May 22, 2015, 06:43:15 PM
It is strange and if I was a child's father figure, I wouldn't allow it. Unfortunately you're probably not in a position to tell your girlfriend who her daughter should and shouldn't see, you've only been dating for how long?

Like Ms. Grace said, the guys are probably using the daughter as an excuse to keep seeing her mother, their ex. Maybe they're trying to prove to their ex that they're nice guys and worth taking back by pretending to still care about her daughter. Either that or it's their ex who's using her daughter as an excuse to keep old boyfriends in her life. I don't know her or the situation so the best advice I can give is to talk to her about it and tell her your concerns.

I'm of the opinion that unless you know you're in a relationship for the long run and it's starting to get serious you should stay out of the child or children's life/lives. Constantly having a revolving door of wannabe "father figures" isn't going to give a child the stability they need not to mention it opens the door for other possible problems like abuse.

I am im it for the long run, I take dating a woman with a child very serious. She's the best thing that has ever happend to me. I already told her I wanna be a father figure toward her daughter and she is ok with that. Its just your right about the first part but me and her have been together for a month.

I am more concerned about the girl friends age when you are only in high school.

Quote from: Alexthecat on May 23, 2015, 12:23:31 AM
I am more concerned about the girl friends age when you are only in high school.

Dude chill she's 19 and I am 18.

The other thing you might mention to your GF, Brandon, is that the older the daughter gets, the harder it will be to let go of those other guys...the more she will remember them.  She is only 4 years old.  I would get the ball rolling on her seeing him less and less now, rather than later.

Like I said, it isn't good to rip the kid away from the guy/guys, but a thought out plan of distancing the girl from them is a good idea.

Good luck.

Quote from: Bimmer Guy on May 23, 2015, 09:44:46 AM
The other thing you might mention to your GF, Brandon, is that the older the daughter gets, the harder it will be to let go of those other guys...the more she will remember them.  She is only 4 years old.  I would get the ball rolling on her seeing him less and less now, rather than later.

Like I said, it isn't good to rip the kid away from the guy/guys, but a thought out plan of distancing the girl from them is a good idea.

Good luck.

I agree, she said she's gonna explain it to her when she gets of age cuz she doesn't wanna break her heart like that.

One thing you have not mentioned is how your GF feels about the situation.

Quote from: Cindy on May 23, 2015, 10:01:18 AM
One thing you have not mentioned is how your GF feels about the situation.

Well I haven't told her how I feel yet, she feels bad because she wants her daughter to know that they are not coming back but because her daughter is only 4 she doesn't want to hurt her, know me and her have already talked about me being a father figure in her daughters life and she got so happy when I asked if I could.

You also have to remember that kids are expensive. Being the dad means less money for you. Future T, future surgeries end up on the back burner. It might not be possible for those things until 30+ because you are paying for someone else's kid.

Quote from: Alexthecat on May 24, 2015, 07:04:06 AM
You also have to remember that kids are expensive. Being the dad means less money for you. Future T, future surgeries end up on the back burner. It might not be possible for those things until 30+ because you are paying for someone else's kid.

Your point? I see her as my daughter too, she already has everything she wants and needs because my girl is doing a damn good job raising her, I can still transition dude. She has 2 jobs, I am working on a 2nd.

Quote from: Cindy on May 23, 2015, 10:01:18 AM
One thing you have not mentioned is how your GF feels about the situation.

Not your kid... Not your choice. I can totally see and understand your frustration. I'd feel the same way, but really the most you can do is tell her how you feel. She may have other reasons for letting them around.  She may not have even realized how weird it is for you.

Also... Not saying that you arent in it for the long haul together, but at this point its only been a month. How long were the other guys ever around?   

Put yourself in those other guys' shoes. It's very likely her exes were feeling just as dedicated to her and her child after seeing each other for a month or two and they may have thought they were in it for the long haul. If your relationship ends in a year or two (despite best intentions) will you want to walk away from her child forever?

You need to talk to your GF about what she thinks and wants. Don't rush into presenting yourself as a father figure for her kid. Let that bond build naturally over time as the child sees you really are there for years. Actions and presence count for more than words and intentions.

Good luck!

Quote from: GnomeKid on May 24, 2015, 04:21:24 PM
Not your kid... Not your choice. I can totally see and understand your frustration. I'd feel the same way, but really the most you can do is tell her how you feel. She may have other reasons for letting them around.  She may not have even realized how weird it is for you.

Also... Not saying that you arent in it for the long haul together, but at this point its only been a month. How long were the other guys ever around?

We are in it for the long run man, the last one was 3 momths, you don't get it though, her child is hurt becaue  he already walked out once,he's in highschool like me. And her daughter is already attached to me, she knows I am dating her mother and all of that.

Quote from: genderirrelevant on May 24, 2015, 04:41:42 PM
Put yourself in those other guys' shoes. It's very likely her exes were feeling just as dedicated to her and her child after seeing each other for a month or two and they may have thought they were in it for the long haul. If your relationship ends in a year or two (despite best intentions) will you want to walk away from her child forever?

You need to talk to your GF about what she thinks and wants. Don't rush into presenting yourself as a father figure for her kid. Let that bond build naturally over time as the child sees you really are there for years. Actions and presence count for more than words and intentions.

Good luck!

Dude the other guy was in highschool like I was and he already walked out once, I will not let that happend again because her child is hurt from the last time, I have no intentions on leaving. Besides her child is already starting to get attached to me.

I'm sure the other guys thought they were in it for the long run too though, that's why they let the daughter get attached to them just like she's getting attached to you. It's just going to keep breaking the little girl's heart and she's not going to understand why these father figures keep leaving her. That kind of stuff messes a kid up. That's why it's better not to get involved with a child until you're both serious about the relationship, and I'm talking thinking of marriage type of serious.

I have a friend who's a single parent with a young son. She's always dating new guys and bringing them around him. She actually dates most of them for several years at a time, not just several months, but her son has still developed trust issues and abandonment issues because of it. My advice to her, stop bringing random guys into his life. They weren't random to her but to her son they were. Not all children are going to develop issues like her son did but at the very least it's going to be heartbreaking for a child to get attached to someone only for that person to leave when the relationship with the mother doesn't work out.

There's nothing wrong with being there as a mentor or trusted adult if the child needs you but if you really want what's best for her you shouldn't jump right into the role of father figure just yet.