I want to know, what is a valid and non-valid reason for a sex change?

Let me share my story (cut down and short of course).
My Mother believes that I might be going through some kind of phase or that I am confused because of bad experience with men.

In short; when I was 7 years old, this 16 year old boy I looked up to murdered a relative of mine (he'd take me to kindergarten and pick me up nearly everyday, he was my uncles friend). After this experience my mum said I grew more distant and talked less. She also said I told her when I was 10 that "I never want to grow up. I'm scared to be like him".

If that wasn't all bad enough, I had a abusive father who beat into me, called me a "->-bleeped-<-got" and continuously found excuses to punish me. He even tried to get me to have sex with women at the age of 10. I declined, declined, and declined. This made him furious. He was so afraid of me being gay that he forced me to play football with him (he hates football, so... What a prick). I showed so little interest in it that it just kept making him angrier and angrier. He lost it when he found out that I was playing with barbies and neopet plushness with my sister.

Some of my reasons for transitioning includes me wanting to be able to dress feminine, feel feminine, and to basically do things that are sociably acceptable for girls. I'd love to wear makeup and wear clothes that I like without the fear of judgement. The things I want to do just aren't socially accepted as a boy.

My friend told me that all men must be strong, that they can't cry, and basically that women should take on the female roles and men take on the male roles. This greatly upsets me because I lean more towards the female roles.

I just want to be able to do what I find is comfortable, what is me, WITHOUT having expectations placed on me because of my gender. Even friends who know my secret partially treat me like a boy.

I come off as gay to strangers instantly (voice is high pitch and the way I speak and act is a little girly). However, because I still have male genitsls, I'm sometimes treated as a boy. This makes me want to chop the thing off myself!!

If it helps; when I was a child, I remember TV shows and adults around me saying things about men that I remember had a huge impact on me as a child. "All men are pigs", "All men are scum", "We don't need men, hahaha", "All they ever think about is sex!". I was seriously offended by this because I was always a good boy, studied hard, and even now I do not have a high sex drive, at that time I wasn't 100% certain that I was transgender, just that I wanted to be a feminine boy, or something like that. I just don't feel like I can relate to men that well. I relate to women much easier and as you can imagine, when people call me a men, and then say a while later that all men think about sex... Are they implying to me as well? Just a few days ago you called me a man...?

I realize now that I was just overly sensitive and that it wasn't directed to every single male on this planet.

I also have problems with not being that physically strong - yet I was raised and told that men must sacrifice their lives for women. Even if a mugger is in front of you, with a knife, you have no fighting experience whatsoever but the woman next to you is a black belt in karate. YOU must go defend her. If you die --- then she just beats him up afterwards and only she lives. However if she engages the criminal first then you both live. However if she does engage first you're a "coward" or something like that. So basically... Men's lives are worth nothing? They're disposable according to people I know. Because ALL women must be protected no matter what because ALL men are stronger then women NO MATTER WHAT!

I've had a female bully before. Same age, but she was taller then me and much more muscular (I'm really skinny). The worse part of it all? I can't use self defense because I can't hit women, but also, I can't tell anyone because they'll laugh at me "A man getting bullied by a woman? Haha, sure!". I've told teachers before who took the matter lightly. I remember avoiding school, pretending to be sick and crying because of the incident.

I feel like I can't do anything with the body I have now. Maybe I've had a lot of bad experiences that make me want to change my gender, maybe my mum is right, but also I do feel like deep down in my heart somewhere that there's is more reasons. Deeper ones other then my past experiences, though I can't really explain it...

What do you think? Can you tell me if transitioning is the right thing for me or not? (I'd transition one way or another anyways, just want your personal and honest opinion.)


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If you identify as female and feel you would be happier living your life as a woman then that is a valid reason. It sounds like you have experienced a lot of trauma and forced gender stereotyping growing up, I strongly suggest talking to a counsellor or therapist to try and straighten out your thoughts and feelings as a means to give you better clarity.

Quote from: XiaoMei on May 24, 2015, 03:29:27 PM
I'd transition one way or another anyways, just want your personal and honest opinion.

There's your answer! You don't really need any reasons for anybody else

As an aside, the term "sex change" is kind of out of date.

In my non authoritative opinion someone should not transition if they are simply after a sexual fetish, feel pressured by others or cannot deal with living as the target gender. Otherwise it is entirely up to you.

I do feel pressured and cannot deal with living as a male, though, however I do have my own reasons as well, such as wanting to be able to dress feminine and...just to be myself. Just wanted to know if anything I stated could enhance my feelings on getting the chop at all?

And I can assure you, I have no fetish dressing up as a woman.


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I trust you as an individual have the right and authority to decide for yourself how you will live.  Transition typically means working with therapists and physicians who can facilitate and tacitly validate your gender identity and need for transition.  There are enough steps and process involved that provide plenty of opportunities for introspection and changing course if needed.  For some HRT is enough while others need gender confirming surgery and more.

Your family life seems filled with distressing episodes and worn out, hurtful stereotypes but people who have not had those experiences are also transgender and want/need to transition.

Quote from: XiaoMei on May 24, 2015, 04:01:38 PM
I do feel pressured and cannot deal with living as a male, though, however I do have my own reasons as well, such as wanting to be able to dress feminine and...just to be myself. Just wanted to know if anything I stated could enhance my feelings on getting the chop at all?

And I can assure you, I have no fetish dressing up as a woman.


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I meant pressured by others, such as friends or perhaps even a parent who always wanted a daughter.

Ooo, haha. No, I never had pressure like that. The closest thing I ever had to that was feeling like a "second race" because I would always be told that women are beautiful creatures and that basically men are rats of the world.

But other then that, no, no one pressured me to become a girl. Ever.

@Tessa; I hope that I won't be rejected or that the process will take longer just because of my past experiences in that case..


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The most valid reason for a sex change is that you want it (which you have stated) the only thing you have to do is jump through the hurtles and come up with the money to pay for it. 

Quote from: XiaoMei on May 24, 2015, 03:29:27 PM
I want to know, what is a valid and non-valid reason for a sex change?

I'm with Emily. The only valid reason is that want your body to be shaped the way a female body is. All other reasons are invalid.

I was non-op for a year. No one knew what was in my pants. Everyone treated me as a female. I passed sometimes, and sometimes not, but no one expected me to be male.

Surgery won't make you accepted as a female.

Quote from: XiaoMei on May 24, 2015, 04:33:38 PM

@Tessa; I hope that I won't be rejected or that the process will take longer just because of my past experiences in that case..


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On the contrary, I would consider your feelings and experience actually make a compelling case for proceeding as you wish.  Much depends on who and where your care comes from.  There are cultural differences and the WPATH standards are not followed everywhere.

You are a woman. You deserve to have the right parts if you want them. That is a valid reason.

ummm... this is irrelevant to the topic here, but it looks like iKate's transition is going really well from the look of her profile pic.

Quote from: XiaoMei on May 24, 2015, 04:01:38 PM
Just wanted to know if anything I stated could enhance my feelings on getting the chop at all?

You can live as a woman without surgery, getting "the chop" is not a prerequisite. Plenty of trans women do not feel the need for SRS and they live happily that way.

I would say from my own personal experience with Dysphoria that it seems your feelings of wanting to be a woman or to express your true self go far beyond your terrible experiences growing up. I would also agree a good move for you would be to talk to a gender therapist.

There are many different roles a man can play these days.  Men can be sensitive, artistic and caring.

I think you have a distorted view of what men are, or can be.  You can be the person you want with or without changing  your body and mode of dress.  I understand that you dislike men and don't want to be one.

I think it's not so much that you want to be woman, but that you can't stand the idea of being a man, or at least you hate the idea of being your image of a man.

Before you re-define your body and make permanent changes,  perhaps you can re-define your concept of manhood. You can be stylish, well dressed and well mannered and still remain male.

Ultimately it has to do with your comfort, or lack of it with your body.... Physical dysphoria.  If you are really OK with the shape of your body, and only are bothered by your social role, there may be other options more suitable for you.

That is a really complex question. For me 30 years after the surgery I am looking at my early life again and though I thought I didn't see any signs, they were there. I figured it out in puberty. I knew the depression would kill me if I continued to live with it as it almost got me once. I cross lived for two years because of money issues and looking back the first year would have been a bad time for me to make the decision. The second year brought clarity and the question was simple. Do I want to live in the comfort of my own skin as I have for the last two year or do I wan to return to the depressed wreck I was before starting treatment. The answer was simple for me and I never regretted my decision.
What I am trying to say is the cross living requirement is there for a reason and that to make sure the life is right for you. The big secret that nobody seems to understand is the surgery isn't important. It is only a graduation ceremony. The whole reason for going through all the work is to gain the lifestyle. Before treatment I lived mostly in depression with breaks now and then. After the surgery I walk around with a smile on my face that's hard to wipe off even 30 years after the surgery. Yes, my very best friend died two years go and I took it hard but it was nothing like the hell I went through before treatment. The good thing is I am over the death and the smile is back on my face and I am planing a new future without her in it.

Because you want or need to. Seriously, that's probably the best reason in the end, as others have said.

I started off thinking I wasn't really trans and didn't deserve to transition, but I'd experiment with each step to see how I felt about it. Every time I did something small (ear piercing, wearing my waist-length hair loose) it made me happier, so I kept going. Ultimately, I think that's the best way of deciding what you want to do with your life - if something makes you happy, do it!