As usual I can't sleep. 2 nights until I fly to Argentina (ok I have a better and better excuse now!)

I wonder what I will really look like after my FFS. Recently, I've been split between tremendous hope, and utter despair. Tonight my mind is set on one of the pictures posted on MDM facebook album: .

I've got a nose worse that the "before", but also some serious brow brossing. In these bad nighttime moments, I doubt I'll ever look anything like the "after". She's so cute!!

To get my mood up, I stare at various "successful" FFS befores & afters (thanks youtube!) and hope for the best while sipping wine and dreaming I'll be one of these lucky girls with great results.

This mood therapy must have worked, because I found a picture I don't hate, and finally decided to post a profile pic. It's adequately blurred, because it's how I imagine my future face: a deblurring of a masculine face into a face that matches my soul.

But I'm on the wrong end of the 30s, and that crushes my mind, especially when I think about the various imperfections on my skin. Between looking plastic and not feminine, I would totally prefer the plastic "yes I had cosmetic surgery" look. And my mind wonders. Waiting is painful.

I can't understand how those who get a 3 month delay (or more!) until the surgery manage to do. I was lucky to get in on a cancellation.

hi Charlotte,

I've a few years on you and at a time when I was stressing a bit, I got some great advice from a young gorgeous trans-girl. She told me that "we all work with what we are given, and the beauty of bringing out the female is that regardless of when it happens, that gorgeous female is from within. Not so much the changes we make to appearance"
I don't know if I'll need FFS. but definitely some nose work and botox work...and to boot, if you look up the term "skin anomaly" in a dictionary, there's likely to be a picture of me
From your blurred photo, I see, peering back at me, a very attractive woman.

Presumably if you are using a good and reputable surgeon  there will be improvement... the important thing is not to have unreasonably high expectations and stay positive, avoid that negative part of your thought processes... it will soon be over and I hope you are very happy with the results.

Good luck and I hope you heal quickly. Perhaps making a list of everything you need for aftercare and packing it ahead of time will help. As well as packing some comfortable cloths and a few cute outfits. Another words, keep busy and the time will fly.

Reasonable expectations and a positive outlook will go a long way.

BTW, I am on the better side of 50

Thanks for the support girls. Sometimes my expectations are reasonable, sometimes they're not. I want to look normal and depending on my mood, it can be very unreasonable.

Marly, when squint my eyes and stare at my picture long enough, sometimes I can indeed see a nice young women. I only want that to happen with a normal glance in a mirror.

Dr DiMaggio should give me the best result - in exchange of every dollar I owned. I look at my bank account and savings, now showing their grand total with only 3 digits, and realize there won't be do overs for some serious amount of time. Or even laser.

If there was a daemon around, I would seriously consider adding my immortal soul to the deal, in case the FFS doesn't work and a 2nd round could help. Sorry if it hurts some religious feelings, that's the desperate me talking.

Yet when I take deep breaths, and try to rationalize my fears away (looking at the good results - thanks god for youtube!), it feels better.

As you said Grace, it can only be an improvement. I can't really envision anything being worse - except being unchanged and without money, as I'm currently.

I tried to spend my time online, but keeping busy in the real life is a good idea! I'll be fixing various things, cleaning up and all that, just to avoid thinking. I can't shake Argentina out of my mind. I long for the plane taking off.

In the meantime, I'm in a deep emotional turmoil. I could not imagine it would be so much the case. Putting than in words help.

Hey Charlotte

We're all working with our own countdowns, so I fully understand how you feel and what you're going through.  A week to go, then suddenly you'll be on the flight and then the process begins.  It's wonderfully exciting.

I don't believe that there is such a thing as being on the wrong side of any age.  Of course we could have started earlier, but this is far less important than having started.

You'll be astounded at the improvements after FFS.  If there is one thing that changes life instantly for the better, it's having the right face.  Not pretty or gorgeous necessarily, just woman!

Good luck
Julia

Hi Charlotte,

      Do you have anything to keep you busy for these next two days? I'm leaving in a few days too, and I share many the same fears. You wrote what was on my mind too! We must be very much alike. I'm personally dealing with it by staying as busy as possible and channeling my fear into excitement. I'm gonna go watch the new Mad Max movie, read some books, and get some nature walks.

     I will say that I also spent pretty much all my money on ffs too but I'm not terribly worried that I will need an emergency revision. That's very rare, especially with a surgeon as experienced as MDM. And regarding whether you will have an amazingly flat forehead, just think that many cis woman don't have that. Ask yourself whether your expectations fit reality. Just look at many beautiful woman. They come in all shapes and sizes. MDM is as aggressive as it gets for a FFS surgeon; he will do his best and the result will be undeniably female, rest assured. You already are beautiful and will be even more so after the surgery. I hate to be cliched, but you are a kind, sensitive person, and in our world today, that's as beautiful as it gets. Stay positive! Didn't you say that you got a policeman coming with you on your trip That's pretty cool! And hey, I'll be there and even if we don't meet up, you can always PM me since we'll be going through the same thing around the same time. This board is also full of wonderful people with more experience than me, so you're covered!

-Ruby

Before I had any FFS, my doctor told me that the goal of the surgery was to make my face look the way it should have looked if it had not been affected by testosterone.  I had type 3 forehead reconstruction to remove bow bossing, remove bone between my eyes, and setback to create a vertical profile.  I also had scalp advancement, rhinoplasty to remove the hump in my nose that was caused by testosterone, upper lip lift to reduce the distance from the base of my nose to my upper lip (female characteristic), cheek lift to enhance my cheekbones, and tracheal shave.  IIRC, I think you are having some of the same procedures, and my face was feminized a lot. 

Charlotte it is getting allot closer, Julia and Ruby have given good advice so I won't try and better it, I just wanted you to know we all yearn to look beautiful but even those that do can lose that with age, accidents or just failing to look after it. I've met a few truely stunning women in my life (models and such) For the most part they haven't been nice people on the whole so if those who really know you say you are nice as I'm sure they do then you've already got more than any surgeon can give you 

Hope all goes well once you finally get to see Dr DM

Hugs

Sorcha 

My doctor told me when I asked him what I will end up looking like is to look at female family members like a sister. He said I will end up looking like a sister with in my family and as it turns out he was right.

Julia, best of luck for your upcoming surgery. More than one month to go? I just can't picture how I'd feel. As you said, having the right face is the most important thing I can think about - to be recognized for who I am inside.

I still fear the trip, Argentina and all that. I won't be going with my life partner. I am so afraid of South America, I just couldn't tolerate the idea of her going with me. She understood that I did not want to keep her apart, just that I feared for her safety. It's certainly a cliche but 2 girls travelling to South America sounded like a really bad idea to me. I don't really enjoy masculine company much, but I'm lucky a friend could help me. The simple idea of a tough guy being physically present with me when I'll be the most vulnerable helped me cope with many weird fears. (such as being abducted. I know, I'm weird. I have my fears.)

Ruby, sometimes, I regret being old, and sometimes I regret I didn't start HRT earlier. But to know that I will finally be female in a way that was not possible a few years ago warms my soul. There is a part of my life lost forever, but we live in the right time and place to make that possible, and the most important decision was to get started. It took some special events for me.

Erica, unfortunately I don't have sisters so I can't say how I'll look like. But when I see outcomes as good as kittenpower, I feel good. I know that it's possible. You look great. There is absolutely no masculinity left in your face. I pray for such a good result. Thanks a lot for sharing your picture, it takes some special moral strength. I hope I will be able to do the same to help the other girls who feel uncertain about FFS.

Tonight, with all your kind and comforting words, I'm feeling good. I've been trying to keep myself busy outside of the computer, and I had a peaceful day. It was really good advice.

Charlotte,

I'm sure you'll do just fine down in Buenos Aires, which is the most European town in South America. The neighbourhood you'll be staying, which I understand is close to Belgrano, is also a quiet suburb to the center of the city.
About being old..I'm pretty old myself(likely older than you :-)), and I'm having surgery with Dr Di Maggio in 4 weeks time myself. I feel certain that he and his team are the best suited to carry out the FFS-procedures I've chosen to do. As I understand you've also done a thorough homework in advance it seems to me that the best ting to do now is just to look forward to let Dr Di Maggio and his team to the best they can.
It's allright though to get excited(I am too). Right now I really look forward to have my feminine version of my face to finally to be allowed to unfold itself in full after 47 years in hiding. Wish you all the best with your travel and the surgery.

Hugs,

Jannicke