Quote from: Contravene on May 24, 2015, 06:10:09 PM
I'm sure the other guys thought they were in it for the long run too though, that's why they let the daughter get attached to them just like she's getting attached to you. It's just going to keep breaking the little girl's heart and she's not going to understand why these father figures keep leaving her. That kind of stuff messes a kid up. That's why it's better not to get involved with a child until you're both serious about the relationship, and I'm talking thinking of marriage type of serious.

I have a friend who's a single parent with a young son. She's always dating new guys and bringing them around him. She actually dates most of them for several years at a time, not just several months, but her son has still developed trust issues and abandonment issues because of it. My advice to her, stop bringing random guys into his life. They weren't random to her but to her son they were. Not all children are going to develop issues like her son did but at the very least it's going to be heartbreaking for a child to get attached to someone only for that person to leave when the relationship with the mother doesn't work out.

There's nothing wrong with being there as a mentor or trusted adult if the child needs you but if you really want what's best for her you shouldn't jump right into the role of father figure just yet.

Man this is how I am, I don't date people just to past time, If I date someone I am trying to build with them and possibly marry them. Thats just me, I am not a temororary person.

My opinion may not sit well with many, but if you are not a temporary person, and are truly in it for the long haul, then marry this girl now and move in with her to become a family.  If you want to be the father figure in this girl's life, then you lead by example and settle down with your girlfriend.  You go ahead and take on the title as the head of the household (which is something you already believe in), and you tell your wife that you don't want the exes other than her baby's father hanging around to see the girl.  If your girlfriend refuses to listen and will let whatever guy around her, well that's her choice, but that is a probably a bad sign, and you should consider finding another partner.  You need to be straight forward and talk to her about that now, because if she's not invested on giving the child just one stable father figure, then you should back out before the girl gets even more attached to you.  In my opinion, if you are not right to settle down *right now*, then it's probably too soon to be thinking about these things, and it would be wise to get yourself squared away beforehand. 

Quote from: King Malachite on May 24, 2015, 07:35:38 PM
My opinion may not sit well with many, but if you are not a temporary person, and are truly in it for the long haul, then marry this girl now and move in with her to become a family.  If you want to be the father figure in this girl's life, then you lead by example and settle down with your girlfriend.  You go ahead and take on the title as the head of the household (which is something you already believe in), and you tell your wife that you don't want the exes other than her baby's father hanging around to see the girl.  If your girlfriend refuses to listen and will let whatever guy around her, well that's her choice, but that is a probably a bad sign, and you should consider finding another partner.  You need to be straight forward and talk to her about that now, because if she's not invested on giving the child just one stable father figure, then you should back out before the girl gets even more attached to you.  In my opinion, if you are not right to settle down *right now*, then it's probably too soon to be thinking about these things, and it would be wise to get yourself squared away beforehand.

You have a point man.

Quote from: King Malachite on May 24, 2015, 07:35:38 PM
My opinion may not sit well with many, but if you are not a temporary person, and are truly in it for the long haul, then marry this girl now and move in with her to become a family.  If you want to be the father figure in this girl's life, then you lead by example and settle down with your girlfriend.  You go ahead and take on the title as the head of the household (which is something you already believe in), and you tell your wife that you don't want the exes other than her baby's father hanging around to see the girl.  If your girlfriend refuses to listen and will let whatever guy around her, well that's her choice, but that is a probably a bad sign, and you should consider finding another partner.  You need to be straight forward and talk to her about that now, because if she's not invested on giving the child just one stable father figure, then you should back out before the girl gets even more attached to you.  In my opinion, if you are not right to settle down *right now*, then it's probably too soon to be thinking about these things, and it would be wise to get yourself squared away beforehand.

Malachite, you did read he has only been dating the girl for a month, right?

Quote from: Bimmer Guy on May 26, 2015, 06:57:13 AM
Malachite, you did read rhe has only been dating the girl for a month, right?

True but I am going long term not short term, I am not with that, like I said If I am dating you I am trying to build and possibly marry you, thats just it.

Quote from: Bimmer Guy on May 26, 2015, 06:57:13 AM
Malachite, you did read he has only been dating the girl for a month, right?

I thought he was trying to make a point unless I misinterpreted it.

Quote from: Bimmer Guy on May 26, 2015, 06:57:13 AM
Malachite, you did read he has only been dating the girl for a month, right?

Yup, and my point still remains. It could have been a day and I still would have said the same thing.

Try and let it go.  You are developing a relationship with the daughter and you've only been dating a month, it's not out of the question that these guys developed relationships with the daughter.  Why try to squelch that?  Because you don't want them to be around the daughter or because you don't want them to be around the mother?  Let the mother handle whether or not she thinks these guys should be around her child. 

Quote from: aross1015 on May 26, 2015, 01:38:39 PM
Try and let it go.  You are developing a relationship with the daughter and you've only been dating a month, it's not out of the question that these guys developed relationships with the daughter.  Why try to squelch that?  Because you don't want them to be around the daughter or because you don't want them to be around the mother?  Let the mother handle whether or not she thinks these guys should be around her child.

Your not in my situation bro, you are not a father figure to anyone so you wouldn't know, She only needs one father figure, that's confusing for a kid her age.

Is there a pattern that the mother follows that causes these multiple father figures. Dating for a month, you don't really know the mother. Your intentions can be perfect, but you can't control her. She may have issues with men and sabotages the relationship subconsciously. I personally never met anyone that had a handle on life in high school.
Your relationship may work beautifully, but don't try to have too much with the child unless your partner is as equally committed.
Not trying to rain on your parade, but all relationships are more difficult with children involved.
I hope you two can work it out. Be honest.
Ciao




Ella

Quote from: Brandon on May 26, 2015, 01:55:35 PM
Your not in my situation bro, you are not a father figure to anyone so you wouldn't know, She only needs one father figure, that's confusing for a kid her age.

Because an 18 year old has so much experience raising kids.  It would be more confusing to just remove the person from the child's life with no explanation. 

I do wonder if you already know what you want and what you are going to do, why come and post asking for advice?  You don't do anything but shoot people's suggestions down.  Is this your form of entertainment? 

Quote from: buhddakahn on May 26, 2015, 02:22:52 PM
Is there a pattern that the mother follows that causes these multiple father figures. Dating for a month, you don't really know the mother. Your intentions can be perfect, but you can't control her. She may have issues with men and sabotages the relationship subconsciously. I personally never met anyone that had a handle on life in high school.
Your relationship may work beautifully, but don't try to have too much with the child unless your partner is as equally committed.
Not trying to rain on your parade, but all relationships are more difficult with children involved.
I hope you two can work it out. Be honest.
Ciao




Ella

No there is no pattern, they left her and cheated on her, what was she suppose to do? Trust me I know the mother And she is equally commited on this. The child is already attached to me so of course Imma be there for her and her mother, why not?

Quote from: aross1015 on May 26, 2015, 02:28:11 PM
Because an 18 year old has so much experience raising kids.  It would be more confusing to just remove the person from the child's life with no explanation. 

I do wonder if you already know what you want and what you are going to do, why come and post asking for advice?  You don't do anything but shoot people's suggestions down.  Is this your form of entertainment?

Dude my girl is 19 and she has experience, I have experiance to because I am actually really good with kids, yes I realize baby sitting is different but don't tell me I have no experience and you don't understand there were 2 guys before me so no it wouldn't be more confusing, I just asked if it was bad that I felt this way and I have already talked to my girl about this.

Quote from: Brandon on May 26, 2015, 02:33:51 PM
Dude my girl is 19 and she has experience, I have experiance to because I am actually really good with kids, yes I realize baby sitting is different but don't tell me I have no experience and you don't understand there were 2 guys before me so no it wouldn't be more confusing, I just asked if it was bad that I felt this way and I have already talked to my girl about this.

Not bad to feel that way, but not the best thing to try to be making decisions that should be left up to the mother.  Especially this soon in your relationship. 

Quote from: Brandon on May 26, 2015, 02:30:36 PM
No there is no pattern, they left her and cheated on her, what was she suppose to do? Trust me I know the mother And she is equally commited on this. The child is already attached to me so of course Imma be there for her and her mother, why not?

Again you already seem to know what you want, so why ask for other's opinions if you are going to shoot everything down? 

 

Request both of you to please keep the discussion civil.

Thank you.

Honestly - this all comes down to your girlfriend. She needs to be putting her kid first.

I agree with Malachite. If you want to be a dad, then put a ring on that girl's finger and wife her up. Raise that kid and do your best to do right by everyone involved.

If you're not at that level of seriousness about the relationship, I don't think you have any place trying to be the kid's father figure. Don't get me wrong, neither do the other guys that your girl has dated in the past. But think about all the damage that this revolving door is doing to the child. Not sure about the longevity of her past relationships, but it sounds as though her child has had multiple father figures in a relatively short period of time. It's confusing and it's unfair to the child.

That kid is at least 18 years of her future. If you can't see yourself with this girl 18 years down the road, get out now. Don't play games if there's a kid involved. I know you want to be present and support your girl, but take a step back and really think about it.

Quote from: aross1015 on May 26, 2015, 02:36:30 PM
Not bad to feel that way, but not the best thing to try to be making decisions that should be left up to the mother.  Especially this soon in your relationship. 

Again you already seem to know what you want, so why ask for other's opinions if you are going to shoot everything down?

The only advice I shot down was yours, I just didn't agree with it is all, I agreed with alot of others though. Thats something you really have to think about, I talked to all my guy friends and they agreed with me on that, my girl understands why its weird for me. So what its been a month, I can't just walk into a womans life who has a kid and not play any type of role especially when her biological dad isn't there, I feel a child needs both parents im their life.

Quote from: ftmax on May 26, 2015, 02:43:22 PM
Honestly - this all comes down to your girlfriend. She needs to be putting her kid first.

I agree with Malachite. If you want to be a dad, then put a ring on that girl's finger and wife her up. Raise that kid and do your best to do right by everyone involved.

If you're not at that level of seriousness about the relationship, I don't think you have any place trying to be the kid's father figure. Don't get me wrong, neither do the other guys that your girl has dated in the past. But think about all the damage that this revolving door is doing to the child. Not sure about the longevity of her past relationships, but it sounds as though her child has had multiple father figures in a relatively short period of time. It's confusing and it's unfair to the child.

That kid is at least 18 years of her future. If you can't see yourself with this girl 18 years down the road, get out now. Don't play games if there's a kid involved. I know you want to be present and support your girl, but take a step back and really think about it.

Well she already agreed to letting me be a father figure and trust me like I told Malachite, I am in it for the long run, we are both very serious about our relationship.

Just be straight forward and tell her.  The relationship won't work if you can't tell her something straight out.

Quote from: wheat thins are delicious on May 26, 2015, 03:12:33 PM
Just be straight forward and tell her.  The relationship won't work if you can't tell her something straight out.

I told her already, we talked about it.