The biggest mental and emotional hurdle for me is how and when to come out to my teenage sons. I'm divorced MTF, just started hormones. I don't think my ex-wife will be supportive, but she could surprise me. I'm very interested in what others are willing to share about how they came out to their teenage sons-- both what worked and what didn't work. All situations and people are different of course-- just trying to wrap my head around how to approach it. This is the only portion of my transition plan that I struggle visualizing how it will happen, so any/all advice is much appreciated. Thanks!

Yes I have the same concerns but with pre teenage kids.  I had them watch the BBC drama the boy in the dress the other day to gauge their opinions on the mater and that was good. They laughed a bit but all in all it made them think.  Maybe some kind of inroad to the issue through films or the like might help you gauge what their opinions are.  Young people are a lot more accepting than the older generations in general.  Jx

My boys were 17 & 19, and my daughter was 15 when I told them.  My wife and I called a family meeting and I told them straight out.  Then we fielded any questions they had, which weren't many after they learned that their mom and I were not getting divorced or separated.  As days and months went on, they had more questions, but they have always been supportive.  Your experience may vary, however.  I spent a couple years slowly introducing feminine things in my lifestyle, so they already had the slow integration, but did not know what to think of it.  When I finally told them they said "That makes sense!"  I consider myself very lucky to have understanding kids, and even more lucky to have an understanding and supportive wife of 24 years.

Good luck!  Hope this helps!

hello, yes, I'm a teenage boy! I'll try to offer some advice, but I do come from really liberal parents (and, I mean... I'm trans myself ) so idk how helpful I'll be, especially since I don't know your sons' personalities.

Honestly you've just gotta be open about these things. You can maybe drop hints until you come out, but eventually you'll just have to straight-up tell them. Reassure them that you'll always be their parent, and you're still the same person. Say that this isn't a choice you're making, being a woman is a part of who you are and you can't change that. Be open to answer their questions, and let them know that they can ask you anything.

They might not really get it at first - a lot of people don't. They might not understand why you're transitioning, and unless they're part of the LGBTQ+ community they'll probably have a ton of questions. Communicate with them, and don't try to sugarcoat or skirt around stuff.

good luck, and I hope everything goes well <3

My son was 21 when I told him.  I was so worried that he would want nothing to do with me.  When I talked to him I said, "You've probably noticed that I've been dressing a little more feminine than usual lately.

He said, "Yeah ... so."
Me - "It is just how I am comfortable.  I will be getting a little more feminine."
Him - "Uh-huh ..."
Me - "I'm going to go to and endocrinologist ..."  I couldn't say anything after that for a few seconds.
Him - "Wait ... what kind of doctor is that?"
Me - "It's a hormone doctor.  I'll be taking estrogen to become more feminine"
Him - says nothing ... seems like forever ... plays with his phone.
Me - Does that bother you?"
Him - "Dad ... you've been this way my entire life.  Why would it bother me?"

I almost burst into tears ... had I been on estrogen I would have.  He still calls me dad because I don't want our relationship to change too much.  It is funny to hear him because he uses Dad and female pronouns when talking about me.  I am so proud of my son for being so open minded and accepting ... and apparently much more perceptive than I thought.

Thank you all very much for your insight and advice! It gives me a lot to think about--suspect I'll be in a good place to have an honest, direct, and open conversation within the next month or two.

I was very interested in these responses myself, as I am in a similar situation.  I have two sons, ages 9 and 12.  I separated from my wife a couple of years ago, and she now knows about my gender issues and is definitely not okay with it.  My biggest fears about transition are alienating my kids and, of course, work.  I work in the defense industry, which is notoriously conservative.  I can always look for another job, but I can't change children, nor would I want to.

I am playing for time.  I have been very careful to change slowly.  I started seeing a therapist last August, and started growing my hair long, getting my ears pierced, and getting electrolysis done on my facial hair. So far, I can pass as an aging hippie, lol! I'm 57, and wondering if I can string this out until an early retirement at 62. 

Next week I have to come out to my primary care physician, as I need blood work done for my first visit to an endocrinologist later this month.  Starting hormone therapy will be a big step.  Either I will be convinced that transition is right for me, or it will prove unappealing mentally and unsustainable physically.  We shall see.  As they say, life is what happens when you are busy making plans.

Hi Diana

Probably the most instructive insight you will have is to imagine, deeply and strongly, what it would be like to be in their shoes.  Imagine how you would have felt at their age to receive this news from your dad. 

You know your kids and their personalities, so to some extent you can possibly anticipate some of their more visceral reactions as well as how they might translate internal feelings into external displays.

I guess a lot depends on how close you are, and whether they see you presently as a cool parent or an embarrassment, and how you'd do stuff together in the future.

Good luck with this!
Julia

I am telling my kids this Saturday.  It's not like it should be a shock as I've been more female day by day.  I've been wearing t-shirts around the house in the past month which, well if they are surprised then I raised some pretty clueless kids  ;-)
So I'll pass along how it goes next week but here is the closest thing I have to advice.
Even while transitioning I've continued to show I love my kids, cherish them, spend time with them and make them feel special as I've tried to do all their lives.  I still kiss them good night every night and they are 16 and 20 years old.  They ask me to play games with them and we all do a mix of things together.  I have to believe that it won't be too bad but we'll just have to see.  My wife and I are staying together which should be a big help for the kids to get through this. 
If your ex could somehow support you then perhaps telling the kids won't be so bad. 
Good luck though Diana.  I sympathize and feel your trepidation.

So I told the kids.  I gave the important details at the start and then elaborated.  The important details I gave were:
- I am transgender and will be changing my gender identity to female
- Mom and I are staying together
- I don't like men and still am attracted to women, I know that it would matter to them
- I don't have a timeline and that the transition will be slow to let them get used to it
The rest of the conversation went into details around having this my entire life, having my wife chime in now and then and lots of constructive and surprisingly mature feedback by my oldest son, who is 20.  He supports me being me but said that it was going to take getting used to.  The younger son who is 16 didn't say much.  He had a much harder time with the conversation and after about 30 minutes asked that we stopped talking about it.  It was a lot to process and take in and he needed to do that.  Both of them kissed me goodnight and both said they loved me. 
Today they have been more reserved than normal but not bad.  The younger son told me that he had thought we had so many interests in common, which we do.  I said that was still true but he said that "It was different now." 
So long story short, the conversation wasn't easy, was good to finally get over with but is only the beginning.

I don't know if this is helpful or not and wish you all the best Diana.

Congratulations Crys and many thanks to everyone else who has posted to this thread. I've been discussing this issue a lot with my friends as well as my therapist and have found (duh!) that one size does not fit all when it comes to how, when, where etc. to have the initial, big conversation. I was getting way too hung up on the minutia and missing the far more important context.

Bigger picture, regardless of how you tell them, there seems to be consensus on the importance of directness, honesty, and some degree of brevity. Big bonus points if you have the support of your spouse or ex-spouse. The good news is that I can visualize the conversations--or at least my side of the conversations (for a variety of personal reasons I will need to have separate discussions with each of my sons and my ex-wife).

The other two bits of general consensus: 1) there is no way to really know how they will react, and 2) their first reaction may not--and in many cases hopefully won't be--their lasting reaction. The uncertainty of how they will react and the near certainty that my revelation will turn their world upside down of course creates anxiety for me. But I temper that by the knowledge that I must tell them and that I will be a much better person and parent for them when I'm able to live my life in a genuine way.

I'm still early in my HRT, hair growth etc so no visible physical changes. But I'm making the personal choice to let them know before that happens. That means I'll be breaking the news sometime next month and will share how it goes. Until then, I appreciate any and all advice or support and hope this thread continues to prove useful to others!