Hi, I'm new to this and I have a lot of questions and I need a lot of help. I'm afab and up until now I have just identified as gender fluid. I've noticed that certain female qualities cause me really bad dysphoria. I don't want to fully transition, but I'm really interested in having the top surgery. My problems are that I don't want to have bottom surgery and I don't want body/facial hair from taking testosterone but my body being shaped like a female body such as wider hips, thighs, love handles, boobs gives me really bad dysphoria. I'm very fit and athletic and I've tried to work my body in to the shape that I want it to be, but it just isn't enough. Does anyone know any routes to achieve those results because I know that if I take testosterone I will get the facial/body hair?
Another thing that confuses me is that I do identify as a female, but if I were to go out in public to a public pool or amusement park, I would want to wear swim trunks and wear no shirt. It makes me anxious just thinking about it because I live in a very conservative and southern state.

If anyone could please take time to talk to me and help me out I would appreciate it sooooo soooo much.

There are several resources online that can list for you the effects of testosterone on the body. It is almost guaranteed that you will get body hair, some kind of facial hair growth, a deeper voice, and potentially clitoral growth and fat redistribution. Unfortunately, fat redistribution (which it sounds like you'd be most interested in) is one of the more long term effects of testosterone use, and will reverse itself if you don't continue on with HRT. Effects like voice deepening and body hair are basically guaranteed.

There are plenty of surgeons who will perform top surgery without you being on testosterone. I actually can't think of any that would require you to be on T for a certain length of time. You would probably be able to get the results you desire with a combination of top surgery and liposuction on the hips/thighs.

I think you really just have to own it. I was really unsure about transitioning in place and having my neighbors see my leg hair/going shirtless, but I just stopped caring. I'm comfortable. I'm not harming anyone. It's a mental hurdle you just have to get over.

I swim in just trucks no problem. I do get asked by the lifeguard if I am old enough to swim without my mommy though.

Hi Kaylahgrubb, welcome to Susans's. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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Thank you all so much! It maybe that I'm just lacking the confidence to own it. The more I think of it the more I wouldn't mind to be on t and to have the body hair. I can always shave if I don't like it. This was really helpful and I really appreciate all of this!

I never wanted facial/body hair, but I knew it would be a reality with the T.  Then when the hair growth started (I am 8 months in now and decently hairy already!), I actually really enjoyed it because it is an obvious sign that things are working.  I don't particularly like shaving my face (and I'm still really awkward at it!), but I love knowing I have to because my system is transitioning to the male hormonal environment.  Top surgery will happen at the end of this year, but I do not (at this time) plan on any bottom surgery.  We all get to figure out which steps we want to take.  Thankfully, it isn't an all-or-nothing deal.