So first let me start by introducing myself. Hello everyone my name is Melitta Theodora Stafford and I am just beginning my transition. This has been so difficult for my, not because of doubt but because I dont know how to not want more. What I mean by that is the more I allow myself to transition the harder it is for me to pull back in situations that I am not 'out' in. For instance I was able to go out wearing one of my favorite outfits last night and I was a nervous wreck. I decided to go to one of my favorite restaurants and was welcomed with loving arms and complements. However, now I cant help but want to go to other places and do more things in my true identity. Is this normal?

I mean the anxiety, at times, is crippling but the thought of 'pretending' to be a boy is just as tiring. It feels like I am in this back and forth war between who I am and who the world thinks that I am. To date I am out on all social media forums, both of my churches, to my teachers, my friends, and two out of three jobs.  The third job is the problem though, it is the bread winner and I work with a bunch of blue collar southern men. I just feel like I am in a constant push and pull. Is this normal?

Thank you,

Melitta Stafford

Wow ... if I type fast enough I might get the first comment.

I cannot speak for anyone else, but that sounds incredibly normal.  I spent a long time trying to find that "happy point" in how far I took being looking feminine.  When I was honest with myself I started actually transitioning.  Once I started going out occasionally as me I wanted to live as me.  Being yourself can be incredibly addicting ... not hiding any more is incredibly nerve wracking

It's quite common to want to go out more and more once you try it the first time... the genie is out of the bottle and there's no putting her back!

It really is addictive. The more I give of myself the more I desire to be myself all the time. BTW, I love the phrase the genuine is out of the bottle.

Grace really hit this on the nose it really is not only addicting, but once you start it's hard to stop. Being free to be your authentic self is liberating and so anytime your forced to take on the other role again is painful as a result. Your job sounds like your major hurdle. You could always find out what the policy is, but at the sametime keeping your eyes out for a job that will be more understanding might not be a bad thing either. I would talk to their HR department and see what policies are in place. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Thank you for the advice. I have been telling myself that I need to talk to HR but I am terrified. I just started therapy and I would hate to not be able to afford it for a short bit. I am so close to starting HRT that it is just terrifying.

I will visit the policy of my company and see what is said about gender identity. I am sure that they would be accepting and understanding, it is a university after all. But it is the deep south, so ya know. Anyway one day at a time.