I'm not feeling too well at the moment so I'm a bit slow.

35 years ago I tried very hard to be a man, I married a lovely woman, who knew I was a CD. I, in my depression etc asked one night if we could give up our jobs an travel around Australia. We did, very old caravan and a very old 4WD Toyota Landcruiser. A little black dog, inappropriately called Lady and $200.

We started to look through the photo album again today.

I'm now a woman full time and finished my journey. Rebecca was a 6 foot blonde bombshell, she is now totally disabled.

It was intersting. I told her I didn't like looking at pics of him, she responded 'how do you think I feel, I was beautiful and could walk!' Fair comment!

She also said it is odd seeing you as a guy, I don't recognise him at all, but I  remember him. But I don't miss him.

Sadly the photos are fading, no idea how to bring them back.

But it was odd seeing him. So trying to be a man, so male, so...I don't know. So weird to touch your past from so long ago.

He even grew a beard! Forgot that bit!

sorry just reflecting., feeling ill.

Cindy

It's hard to look, but I think it's important that we not forget our pasts. We also mustn't forget that there were good times mixed in with the bad. Bittersweet memories.

Feel better, Cindy.

Oh hugs Cindy...

Definitely hard to forget our past, no matter what.. Its sort of an indelible locked link, thats where our brains are a little too good... And Rebecca's comment to you is a sure sign of a deep and loving bond between you both, so beautiful xxx

Hope you get well soon xxx

L Katy

Cindy, I hope you feel better soon. You and Rebecca have been through a lot together.

I and my wife were looking at family pics from her side Thursday night. There were some from when my daughter was born and several months after. My wife expresses how hansom I was as a man. I was 327 pounds and smiled when I was holding my daughter. Other than that I was red in the face from the alcohol and without a smile. In several I was looking down and emotionless.

Odd how when two people look at something they can see different things.

Quote from: Cindy on May 30, 2015, 07:17:56 AM
Sadly the photos are fading, no idea how to bring them back.

Depends but usually running a scan through a few photoshop filters can do wonders!

QuoteHe even grew a beard! Forgot that bit!

oh god, I have a photo of me with a goatee... it's hideous!!! Fortunately I'll never be able to grow another one ever again, not even I never shave for for ten years.

There are photo places that will restore pics, sometimes the ones doing "photo to DVD" will do it. I have no idea about the cost, but wouldn't think it's too expensive. (I almost wrote "photos to CD" but decided against it LOL)

I occasionally go back to my old FB account as well as my one photo album...bittersweet, they are.

So you and your wife went around Australia in a landcruiser? Wow, I bet you have some tales to tell.

I did a similar "beach bum" thing when I first got out of the military. 9 months living in my old van (64 Ford Econoline) near the beaches of Southern California. It was an experience, definitely a growing up thing. Good memories, but wouldn't do it again though. There are some things best left to the young and foolish LOL!

Cindy, I hope your feeling better soon. It's amazing how different what we see in a picture and what others see in them Often we see our disconnect with the photo and the pain from being stuck as we were at the time in the photo. They sometimes see the good in the memory. As others have said, It's good to look back at the past and remember because there is good mixed in too. This makes me think of the pictures taken at my sister's wedding, over 15 years ago, considering my involvement since our dad was dead. Anyway feel better soon. Beth is right most places that will make dvd's of the photos you already have will restore them. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Ms Grace on May 30, 2015, 08:41:44 AM
Depends but usually running a scan through a few photoshop filters can do wonders!

oh god, I have a photo of me with a goatee... it's hideous!!! Fortunately I'll never be able to grow another one ever again, not even I never shave for for ten years.

I used to look good with a beard. It makes me sad, kinda invalidating.

Photoshop elements has the power to clean up old pictures and I have recovered some pretty faded ones with color imbalances. Elements is much cheaper if money is an issue.

I have been digging up some old photos of myself and I would hate to tell that kid what the future will be but the now me wouldn't have missed a minute of it.

Get well soon Cindy!

I always avoided cameras so I don't have a lot of pictures from before I started transitioning. I really don't like to look at pictures from that time because I just see someone who is pretending to be a guy and fail miserably... even with a beard. And most of the time people around me saw the same thing. People always had hard time taking me seriously as a guy anyway so I didn't have that much to lose but I feared of losing even the little I had.

Looking at these pictures reminds me how of stupid I was fighting myself and trying to hide all these years when I could have done something about it much sooner.

I don't want to forget my past because it shaped who I am today but I want to move out of its shadow now.

The only pictures of that person are the ones I put up on Susan's I have nothing from before 19 months ago . If my computer goes down and Susan's is taken over by the Russians and gets banned I will completely become non existent prior to transition.

I couldn't escape being photographed while I lived with my parents, but I ducked the camera at every opportunity when I was an independent adult. So I don't have many pics to look at from my twenties.

A couple of years ago, I needed a childhood photo suitable for public consumption. I found one that was sufficiently androgynous, and I was happy with my choice. But while I was rummaging around, I ran across a few pics from my twenties. I remembered myself as physically unappealing, especially because of a chronic skin condition I had. But I stumbled across a candid photo that a friend's mother had taken. I was wearing my ugly backup glasses (something had happened to my first pair), and the skin condition wasn't visible. I suddenly thought, "Gee, she's kinda cute if unconventional-looking."

I tend to like distinctive-looking people, not the cookie-cutter conventional looks of so many people who are considered attractive by others. I'm not into women at all, but I had finally achieved enough distance to recognize that my twentysomething self wasn't hideous, just unhappy and lost.

For a little while after my transition, I thought I wasn't bad looking. But that period didn't last; I don't have a very high opinion of my looks at this stage of my life. Maybe I'm so down on myself because I'm struggling again. Also, my hairline has receded a great deal, my face shows visible sun damage (I have incredibly sensitive skin), and I'm disabled now and can't work out and lose the extra weight. Still, I wonder if I'll find a male pic of me in twenty years (happier days, I hope) and think, "Hey, not bad." Maybe I'm looking at myself now through a jaundiced lens.

The trip through Australia sounds magical.

I'm a semi-artist/photographer, with photoshop access. If you'd like I could try some photo restoration for you. 

Sounds interesting Cindy.

I have good moments from my past but I have a lot of bad.

****TRIGGER WARNING****

I was talking with my therapist about it and she now has a more complete picture of me.

The bullying, in particular I want to forget. I had a really hard time. The worst and most triggering was where a stronger kid pushed me down on another and pushed us together as if we were having a sexual act. This was in elementary school.

I also have close to zero pictures of me as a teen. I kind of regret that but then again not really. Regret because I want to at least look back on what was. Not really because I'm sure I was in a pretty bad place, trying to end my life and just being miserable. I was also hideous in appearance and had no friends. I just didn't care to take care of myself.

I do have a lot of nice memories though, especially with my current wife. We've been through a lot and I do love her, from trying hard to have kids, to travel; our home purchase and finally getting pregnant and having our three bundles of joy.

I didn't have a full long beard just a short one and that was because I didn't like to shave lol.

I was also obese around 210lbs. My driver license pic and current appearance look like two different people.

But she said plainly she's not a lesbian (yet constantly misgenders me and encourages the kids to do so) and I'm not one either so while I'm sad I'm hoping we can move on with our respective lives.

I'm tempted to destroy the male pics but then again maybe I will keep a few around just for giggles.

My wife said the same thing, that at least I was recognizable in our wedding photos, whereas she weighs twice what she did then (we were 22, so we were both skinny little things). Funny thing is, she's still absolutely as beautiful to me, which does make it easier to accept that she might be OK with how much I've changed too. I guess marriage is about getting older and changing physically together, after all.

We do have one great picture of us together in college, just before I let my father force me into cutting my long hair one last time, which I'm willing to hang on the wall in our house - she used to have it up at work, and her coworkers would ask who the "other girl" was. I still wish I'd known enough to transition back then, because I was also young and lovely! Oh, well.