First I understand that everyone will respond with a different view and that is the whole point well all will view it differently and nothing wrong about that. No view is any less valid.

Second my take on it I feel its a lot more to do with how I react or have reacted in the past in that I am not the same gender as the sex I was born as. I have also noticed a distinct difference to the I knew from early on compared to the never truly knew till later in life. I fit in the later category.

Doesn't seem to matter either way in a sense we all feel off from what we are like this is my opinion that we all feel out of balance. What I mean is that not really the wrong body but more the wrong perception of others of who we really are. My viewpoint may change on that when I get some hrt no idea but till then its what I have.

Would greatly appreciate others viewpoints as I am sure most will have a certain degree of commonality yet also a lot of variance. Thank you.

Great question, Jen. I was free of dysphoria for most of my life. From my teen years on, I wished I could have been born a woman, but there didn't seem to be anything I could do about it. I wrongly assumed transition was only for those who were "felt female inside."

Once I realized I could transition and be the woman I always wanted to be, my dysphoria too the form of an incredibly bleak feeling when I contemplated the rest of my life as a man. I also had social dysphoria when I wanted to be friends with women or socially accepted among them and I knew that they saw me as a man.

To me, it is not so much a physical distaste for my current body, but a longing and profound sadness for what might have been had I been born in the body that aligns with how I truly see myself. 

Hi All,

What does it mean to me?  Pondering my identity 100 times a day.  Seeing women and being so jealous of what they're able to wear and how they look.  Summer is particularly bad.  Looking at my body and being revolted especially with the body hair.  I despise body hair and this is the time of year where I dare not have it if I want to remain stealth.

Thinking that I just don't fit in with being a man, but not very confident that I would do any better as a woman.   Perhaps the worst one is that nagging feeling I always get that says quit complaining about the cards you were dealt, life could have been much worse.  Look at the kids in Sierra Leone that have had their limbs hacked off.

One more thing that really gets my dysphoria is reading comment sections of articles about transgender issue.  I'm completely struck by the amount of hate being expressed.  It feels so personal because of my dysphoria.  I know I shouldn't read them and it's a minority opinion but I guess it's just like a moth being attracted to light.

My therapists have a solution for me and you know what it is, but I'm just too damn scared of throwing the spanner into the works.  Perhaps that more than anything describes my dysphoria.

Sorry for the rant, I guess I'm a little down today.  I hope this doesn't make anyone feel bad.  I just needed to vent a bit.  Feeling a bit better now.

Have a good night everyone,
Paige

For me it is mostly social but there is body dysphoria.

I hated being a man. Yes, men have power and strength, and a penis to dominate women (so I've been told) but that is meaningless to me.

I socialized with women extensively and pretty much exclusively as a teenager and twenty something. Actually I've never understood guy things like sports and being macho. It just seemed so pointless. So twenty something odd guys kick a ball around a field. Big deal!!! I would rather sit at my computer and hack into the matrix. Come to think of it I've socialized with women since I was a kid and connected the best with my female relatives. The men in the family distanced themselves from me after a certain point. Good riddance really.

Clothes are nice but to me they are more of a uniform than anything. I wear them just because they help me to look like the woman I am. I am not a fashionista and I wear mostly androgynous everyday clothes. Shockingly that gets me by without weird looks.

I am scared that even transition is not going to fix me. I feel incomplete that I don't have a monthly menstrual cycle nor the ability to carry a child. It is extremely depressing. The voice I'm depressed about but that's being worked on. My body shape especially down below is distressing but that is getting much better.

Summer is horrible for me not because of clothing but because the layers are peeled back and I can see more of a woman's body and it doesn't look like mine.

Honestly wow thanks for the replies thus far.

By wow I thought it would be more varied I can related to almost everything.

Only thing I didn't relate to too much grew up with few male friends in the geeky crowd but I don't think I fit with them totally either I was the mother hen of the group lol. I am not In the crowd of wanting periods/babies but I can understand that too. But the rest I can so relate its not even funny and thank you.

I know this might sound dumb but I get that feeling of I am different yet it seems here I am not all that different:) Now just to wait for the girl in my to bloom once I start hrt and discovering my real self and perhaps reducing the dysphoria at least my hope or at the very least actually living life:)

Quote from: Tiffers on May 30, 2015, 07:42:09 PM
To me, it is not so much a physical distaste for my current body, but a longing and profound sadness for what might have been had I been born in the body that aligns with how I truly see myself.

This.

I don't hate being born a male and being raised as one. I had good role models and people who cared, but there is a deep down profound sadness in me that constantly asks "But why... male?"

I didn't really understand at all why I often felt so sad, disaffected and alienated as a kid.   I didn't connect the dots until I was an adult and looked back.  I spent way too long trying to be something I didn't believe in and finally ended up crying and depressed almost daily.  It seems that fear was part of my dysphoria.  Fear that i really was that sissy girl all along.  It took forever but once I gave up trying to be a guy the relief was palpable and that helped me define my dysphoria as fear of the truth.  My true gender scared me silly.

As a young child I had bad Dysphoria, I hated my Genitals once I realised (about 4 or 5) there was a difference between myself and my cousin, she never had genitals... so I can pretty close to doing the unthinkable, many times!

I did not, I grew up and managed my feelings, mainly because of the times I grew up in, I learned to push it to the back of my mind, although I never ever stopped wanting to be female.

As I became more and more male I hated what I saw, but to counteract the tears and inner pain, I succumbed to trying to be the male figure (marriage, kids, grandkids)... but after many bouts of mild Dysphoria through out my entire life, each getting stronger, here I am today at last embarking on my biggest life changing journey...

L Katy 

My distaste and disgust for my genitals is what it has primarily met for most of my life. Hugs
Mariah

Apologize in advance if this triggers anyone.

I think more like iKate, I have had both social issues and body issues but also perception issues(maybe the same).
Although my thoughts as a child never led me to want to be a girl there were/are a lot of surrounding issues that continue to this day.

I have never felt I fit in with groups at all. I have always been more comfortable in female company within a female frame of interrelations. I can fake getting along with guys but it always ends in long awkward pauses. Truth be told, I am not good at making friends and often feel as an outsider with peers.

I have always been picked out of crowds as a target. Don't know that I have seen that as a typical description of dysphoria. However, if a gang of boys were going down the street or hall, even without making contact or standing out, I would be picked out to be a target. Not beaten up a lot but occasionally and always ridiculed.  I feel like there is some "other" quality that I have never been able to explain or define that might have a root in this. It continues to this day.

At first, I liked my hair coming in on my legs but not long after, started to just want to ignore or stop it. As hair continued to collect around my body(then later shed from my head), I got so I just hated nearly all my hair.

Hope this isn't too explicit. I would not say I hated my genitalia. However, it has never felt right or comfortable. Have never liked my testes and when I had a vasectomy, I almost wished they were just removed. After 50 years I am not comfortable in any male underwear(even bikini). I can't tuck in them. I have found that is the only way I feel comfortable. I enjoy making love but if I could do it with different parts, I would prefer it. It all seems like I have had to focus so intensely  to be erect that I can't pay much attention to my partner. Maybe I'm just approaching it all wrong. However, for something that is natural and creates such pleasure, it seems like too much work.

Finally, I know I have put this before. It is like a perception or disconnect from my body. Like those that feel like an alien, I feel like I am controlling a puppet. It feels to me like my body is huge and lumbering(5'-10" 190 lbs-truth, I could lose some weight). However, compared to many around me, I am not a giant by any means. Constantly bumping into door ways, hitting my head when climbing into cars or nearly anywhere else, knocking into my knees or hips. I'm just a klutz but it rarely feels like movement is natural until I drill something and gain muscle memory. So then, it is only when I am concentrating.

I don't recognize myself in the mirror. Kind of related to that last one. Even when I was younger. I remember staring into a mirror. I taught myself to raise my right eyebrow alone. It was like a trick, getting that person to do that.

I guess I have had cyclical periods of sever depression where I don't feel worthy of anyone or anything(much of that I think came from the shame of me secretly cross dressing, then purging, then restarting). I felt like a good person in every other way but because of this one compulsion, I couldn't seem to quit. Therefore, I was not worthy of anything(even compliments, my wife gets irritated that I can't take a compliment). I have had problems sleeping, for years. I get anxiety over things I know I can do and have done; not just successfully but well.

Like TessaJames, I have always been a little morose. I was described by adults as having an old soul. I was always quiet and often sad. There are times I have been happy and excited. They are fleeting and even in the midst of them, there was always something blocking me from real joy. It's like I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop but I didn't know what the first shoe was.

It has only been looking further into my past that these all seem like little things that suddenly came into view. Then I added a weird lack of memories(likes seeing the story of someone else's lives through a few snapshots) to the list of "symptoms". While I was at it, I decided that my dyslexsia was related. I was not so close to being suicidal till a few months ago(guess that is another symptom).

I started coming to the conclusion that all dysphorias are different. However, we need further studies done in the trans community to see if there are more symptoms that are typical, that we just don't recognize yet. I think that with the brain trying to control a body that is not in sync, all sorts of symptoms come out in both typical and non-typical ways. Compulsions, desires, interactions, relations, denial, rejections, physical quirks, so much messiness. In general it feels like that. In specific, it used to feel just exhausting and unmanageable.

Thanks for starting this topic. Sorry I rambled on for a long time. Hope I don't send too many people off.

With wishes for warm clear thoughts and journeys,

Joanna

For me? Before I finally accepted myself and started therapy it was mostly a sense of "This is wrong", "I should have been born a woman", "I'm sick of pretending to be male". Thoughts that constantly spun through my mind like that. I've never felt disgust with my dangly bits, although I'd certainly correct them given the first chance, but I guess I'm more... ambivalent toward them. I really don't care. Don't get pleasure out of it, but I don't get the willies thinking of my willy. (Sorry... bad pun?)

I think what really helped me the most though, is that right around the time I started seriously thinking about that kind of stuff (11 or 12 or so. My brain sucks at remembering) I started getting into online gaming. Ultima Online. I made a female character because it felt right. I told everyone I was female IRL. They treated me like a girl.

I've always been a very reclusive person. I dunno if that's because of what I am or if that's just how I am normally, but spending so much time online where gender doesn't matter or in games where I can choose my gender I honestly think I've had it pretty easy.

Emotionally? I think Joanna came pretty close with always being said to have an "Old Soul" although for me I was never morose. Rather, I always had a simmering anger under the surface. Most of the time, I didn't even know why I was angry (although lately I've come to realize it's because I've always been acting a part I never wanted).

One thing I AM glad though, is that I have a pretty feminine body (if not face) so I think that has helped calm things a bit as well. I can slip on a pair of tight jeans and a tank top and as long as I don't look up, I can easily see a flat-chested girl standing in the mirror.

Overall, I think my dysphoria has mostly just been a sense of wrongness in my life. It wasn't until I discovered what Trans was that I made the connection but ever since then, I've known that's exactly what was wrong.

I dunno if this helps or if I'm making much sense but... there it is. Most everything I can think of right now about my dysphoria.

Quote from: Paige on May 30, 2015, 10:07:13 PM
Hi All,

What does it mean to me?  Pondering my identity 100 times a day.  Seeing women and being so jealous of what they're able to wear and how they look.  Summer is particularly bad.  Looking at my body and being revolted especially with the body hair.  I despise body hair and this is the time of year where I dare not have it if I want to remain stealth.

This. Oh my god, so much this!

I've never really had someone else so succinctly describe how I feel. It's interesting to know that these same emotions and triggers exist for others as well.

In particular I relate with what Paige said here, about seeing other cis women, and generally just being overwhelmingly sad about the fact that my body does not look the same. I remember this feeling in particular going back as far as my younger childhood, and it became aggressively worse as I hit puberty and my body began to become even more different.

These feelings can be particularly rough when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or in a photograph, or even worse, triggered when I happen to see myself naked in the shower, etc.

Something that Tiffers posted stood out to me as well. While I can't relate to the idea of not having a distaste for my male body, I can relate to that sadness that comes with the "what could have been." More times than I could possibly count, that thought has crossed my mind of what could have been, had I just been born female. It always leaves me feeling desperately morose and empty feeling.

I don't know if anyone else would relate to this, but I've often times found myself studying my face in the mirror, with this very strange disconnected feeling. It's almost as if I feel like I'm looking at another person who sort of shares my features, but isn't actually me.

I've had dreams related to this feeling as well. They usually involve me somehow tearing at and removing my skin, revealing someone else underneath. That new person is always female, and the resulting feeling in my dreams is almost always overwhelming happiness, something that sadly bottoms out as soon as I awake.

I've also struggled a lot with anger. Not even at anything in particular, but rather this roiling, turbulent rage that I mostly keep surpressed, but when I'm feeling depressed or facing severe bouts of dysphoria, easily comes bubbling up, often directed at people or things that I have no reason to be angry at. I feel like this aspect of me has changed the most as a result of coming out to the few people I have.

TL;DR Version: Dysphoria has always taken the form of this disconnected, "Something's Wrong" feeling that often leaves me feeling sad and angry.

Hopefully I didn't take up too much space here. It's just nice to put these feelings into words.

Much love,

Felicity

Nobody is rambling its a hard complex thing to describe really and there are differences between all of us. Yet as I keep reading this I do get memories and or feelings of hmm ya that sounds like me; not always of course but mostly.

Really no thank you for responses tbh I am at the point I feel I am transgender but then something also says I doubt it. Still a war I am just starting to fight if that makes sense. One of those perhaps reads to much to figure things out all well better overeducated then not at all:)

[trigger warning]

This is a very good question.  40 years on it's one I still struggle to answer.  Partly because it keeps evolving.  Partly because I keep getting older (unfortunately) and wiser (well, I like to think so anyway).  Partly because the amount of information available about being trans has grown hugely over that time.  And partly because I'm a survivor of a sexually and physically abusive childhood.  So there's been a lot to unwind there.  It's made it hard to tell what's from what.  Though, if NTDS data proves representative, it's probably fair to argue the distinction is somewhat arbitrary.  Numbers from that survey are 42% and 14% of MtFs are physically and sexually assaulted, respectively, in K-12 with 68% those who are attempting suicide.  So, ya know, that makes my 15 years' chronic depression and whatnot unfortunately probably pretty normal.

It's useful to make a distinction, though.  There've been some very difficult times with flashbacks and some remain a bit bothersome.  But childhood stuff is probably as much past as it can get.  Been a bit over 20 years since my last suicidal episode and therapy for abuse finished about four years ago.  I'm generally pretty happy and certainly consistently stable.  So it's probably fair to say whatever's left is just plain being trans.  I've written about experiences with body dysphoria and phantom sensation recently in a couple other threads recently.  Some would call it body dysmorphia---though body dysmorphic disorder is something quite different---but for this I should probably stick to more psychological things.

There are the little things.  I don't remember dreams often but many of the ones I do involve some component of isolation, frequently gender related.  Looking down at your hand putting toothpaste on the brush and the wish comes from nowhere you had nail polish on.  The usual avoiding mirrors, standing to one side or the other so only the minimum necessary can be seen.  Seeing certain cis women and wishing my body was like theirs, though many perfectly attractive cis shapes aren't ones that resonate.  Never entirely getting away from wondering if I'm really trans or just fake trans, as in not wanting to transition enough, or be girly enough, or be willing to spend enough.  Constantly fussing about diet and weight maintenance and exercise as a way of coping with male hormones putting middle aged flab in the wrong place (no worries; I'm not anywhere close to anorexic or bulimic).  Struggling to have much social interaction with most men and knowing there's a women's side of things I'll never be invited to so long as I present male.  Wondering who I can safely out myself to and figuring out how to do that.

There are the bigger things.  The wandering depressions which seem come from nowhere over the past year or two.  They don't stay long but they scare me.  I curl up, go fetal, let them pass around me and through me.  Anxiety without cause, the thought "Something's wrong!" popping into my head for no reason whatsoever.  Hardly ever feeling safe, even though nothing ever happens in my neighbourhood.  Even the time I left for a week with the front door unlocked.  The creeping vaguely kinda suicidal inclinations that have been coming up occasionally over the past few months for no reason whatsoever.  This morning's two second "Oh god!" micro-meltdown opening the cupboard for breakfast triggered by absolutely nothing whatsoever, my head in my hands.  All that's in there is things you'd find any cupboard.  Oatmeal.  Granola bars.  Jam.  Pasta and sauce.  Perfectly normal and harmless.

I live in a place where it's tricky to find trans specific health care but will get gender therapy appointments scheduled soon, even if I have to regularly take time off work to make room for the substantial amount of travel which might be needed.  (Online's an option too, but I have a feeling in person might be better.)  I expect to start HRT soon too.  Overdue, really, though I can't see how I could have gotten to where currently I am any faster than I have.  It'd be nice if it gets the brain back to a happier working order.  If it doesn't at least I'll know I'm going crazy for some other reason and can try to figure out what it is.

As a note, if you're alarmed some of what I've written here please don't be.  All the symptoms mentioned are happening in slow motion and there's months if not years yet before they'll interfere with daily life in any meaningful way.  I'd planned to start gender therapy in four or five months but am moving that up to now as it seems best not to wait that long.

Quote from: Joanna50 on June 04, 2015, 01:06:09 PMI feel like there is some "other" quality that I have never been able to explain or define that might have a root in this. It continues to this day.

Same here.  I'm just... different.  Never really fit into a group.  Sometimes, sorta, but among circles of friends I'm chronically late to be included and usually one of the first to fall out.  Some of that's me just being introverted me.  But I always feel my path is alone and not aligned with others.  I hear this from friend after friend too.  "You're different." they say.  It's not a bad thing.  Or a mean thing.  Just an observation that tells me I'm probably not imagining things and my feelings are likely legit.  Like just about everybody I'd like to be more popular.  But then I'd need more time for quiet and solitude so I doubt it'd make me any happier.  Quite probably the opposite.

Quote from: Jen72 on June 04, 2015, 08:48:19 PMI am at the point I feel I am transgender but then something also says I doubt it. Still a war I am just starting to fight if that makes sense.

That it does.

Wow big response so have to respond in kind.

I admit I was brought up in a safe environment so no abuse at all. My friends which still friends to this day even though don't really contact them much do to my solitude like lifestyle if you will. But now that I look back whilst I do love my friends dearly I did seem the odd duck in the group even though we all considered ourselves outcasts/geeks. Basically I was the socially inept one that didn't want to go anywhere or do anything when they did but they dragged me out anyway. If a choice was to be made I was the mother hen of the group and at the time didn't consider myself female or trans either.

In a sense that aspect drives me loony as to then why am I doing this I can understand if some abuse or something but never really did have anything of that nature to influence me that being said hope you Caitlin get under control which it seems you have at least to some degree.

Even your mention of dreams has some similarity but not the same. I too have few dreams but ones I do have I vividly remember them and does seem to me they do have some meaning even some that gave me a insight into the future even if didn't fully understand the dream at the time. Biggest one I can recall is not gender related but was well ok it was windy and the wind sounded like a torrent river some influence there. But in my dream it was as if the river I live by was closer yet it was raging and bigger then the real one and had some yearning to cross this river which I no way would you or could you just cross a raging flood river. I ended up viewing this as a challenge in my life that I needed to cross. Which at the time I was not thinking of anything gender related either just a life challenge of some unknown sort and a big one at that. Now here I am contemplating changing my sex can it get much bigger really.

Sorry little off topic in a way but thought that might be some insights that someone could relate too. Once again we are all different and all have different experiences that influence our identity but I do believe it is only partially those experiences and partially innate that define our identities. After all when one experience an event do they not think about it from past experience as well if nothing applies figure something out anyway. We as humans are complex and the more intelligent
the more complex.

Right now, it doesn't mean anything to me anymore. It doesn't apply anymore to my current state of being post-op. But I never was happy with all the semantics that's being used. Very confusing actually, because I am happy with my gender. Strictly speaking, I would gave suffered from body-dysphoria, not gender-dysphoria. Because my body was not assigned/designed to the correct sex. I hated my body, not my gender. My gender was 100% correct all of the time.

Dysophria for me means feeling like I'm in a woman suit that I should be able to unzip and there will be a man under it. I had emotional problems with female puberty while watching all the girls think it was exciting. I want to fully express myself as male by transition, I already do through male clothing.