I panicked and deleted my first account here, so apologies I've written this out before. I'm just really struggling right now. I'm finding it hard to see anything in my future other than suicide. I can't accept myself. I hate my feelings, and I can't say with any conviction- I was born this way. Honestly, I feel like you are all transgender people, and I'm just a really messed up individual. But here goes this is my story again. Sorry for the explicit details.

Some of my earliest memories at 4 are of putting on my sisters clothes. I liked doing it. I would hide them under my bed during the day so I could secretly put them on at night. I asked my Mum at 5 if I could go to ballet class with my sister. I wanted to wear the same ballet outfit that she did. She was going to allow me but the way she laughed made me feel embarrassed and I didn't want to anymore. Other than that I was a normal boy. I didn't play with girls at school and I loved sports and just generally running around. I used to lie in bed and think how amazing it would be if I could wake up the next day and be a girl. But I certainly didn't think I was one. And I was not unhappy with being a boy at all. It was just something fun to think about.

From a young age, from maybe 7, I thought about the girls that I liked in my class and couldn't wait to grow up and be able to have a girlfriend. I also had sexual dreams at that young age. To me they weren't sexual because I didn't really know what that was at that age. I just knew I had these dreams that felt nice. I know now that I was experiencing orgasm. It was far more intense than anything I would later experience for real. These dreams would just be where I would sort of hug girls but the sensation down there would be one of being penetrated, not the other way around.

As I became a teenager I did normal boy stuff. My whole life was sport. I did realise that I was a little more sensitive, a little more emotional, and as soon as sex and girls became talked about I hated the way that my friends discussed the whole thing. I still do. It feels sort of disgusting to me and I just can't take part in it. I'm also aware that I'm more romantically inclined when it comes to relationships. I don't care about the same things that my friends do.

When I came across a transgender girl in one of my sisters magazines I was fascinated. I had this intense interest in it. It excited me a lot. Sexually too. Anytime from then on I noticed anything on TV or anything about the subject I would shamefully watch it in secret.

My first sexual dream as I went through puberty, was one where I was allowed to dress as a girl, and as I pulled on the clothes I became one. My wet dreams continued to be dreams where I was a woman. I didn't begin masturbating until a lot later than all of my friends. I tried, but I could never do it. Knowing this odd interest I had, I looked at some transgender porn and I could do it. That progressed to doing it while imagining myself as a woman and then on to imagining myself as woman having sex with a man. It satisfied that feeling that I'd had in those younger dreams.

As a teenager I was good looking and athletic. I looked in the mirror and liked how I looked. I would still be drawn to very brief and infrequent periods of crossdressing in secret. I also knew that if someone offered me a pill to wake up a girl, I wouldn't think twice. But again, I didn't really think that was so weird. It is I guess. I liked myself until I was 18.

I'm now 26. Since that time my hair started to fall out, my facial features hardened, and I lost my passion in life which was playing sport through injury. Basically now I loathe myself, particularly my appearance.  As I grew up I noticed that my friends were becoming more confident, more self-assured, and I felt like something was really wrong with me. I didn't feel like them. If anything I felt like the opposite was happening to me. It is true that as I learnt what types of expectations there are of adult 'men', especially those who were good at sport, I felt uncomfortable with who I was supposed to be.

When the time came to have sex with my girlfriend at 17 I couldn't do it, as in the actual final act didn't turn me on in any way. I would be turned on up until that point, but the actual act just didn't really feel good to me and I took no pleasure from it. The same thing happened a few other times and I haven't tried again since.  From around 18 this weird interest that I had took the form of watching every video on youtube about what it meant to be transgender and hearing people's stories. At the time I don't know why I did it. I never asked myself that question because I didn't want to know the answer. It was just this dark thing I did in secret. And sometimes I masturbated to it. I know that sounds weird. Not to the people in the videos, just sort of to the idea that you could become a woman. My sexuality has always seemed to be more sort of wound up with ideas and emotions rather than physical stuff, hence why I've always felt so different to other guys.

Since I was 4 I've always felt jealously looking at girls. I like looking through my sisters VOGUE in secret. I'm jealous of the clothes that girls get to wear. I've always been straight, or identified as straight, tbh now I don't really have a clue what I am, but I do know that my main thought when I see a girl now is, I like those jeans, or those shoes, or I like her hair. I basically feel jealousy rather than attraction. But the most confusing thing is that I've become pretty addicted to masturbating to the idea that I'm female too, and the feeling of having sex as a female. I can feel that jealously without being sexually aroused, but a lot of the time the two are hand in hand. If I could quit the masturbation part, I don't know I'm not sure if I would feel so much crippling shame and guilt about how I feel.

I find it hard to say I was born with some part of my brain that is girl. I'm just a boy who wants to be a girl. Who would rather be a girl. I'm certain I would find life easier if I was female. It would just fit my personality more naturally. But there are definitely things about me that are pretty guyish, and if I still looked like the guy I did at 18 I'm not so sure I'd be so unhappy.

So what do you think, how likely is it that I was born with gender dysphoria? Give me a percentage. Seriously. Do.

I'm certainly no expert. But I'd say there was at least a 60 to 75% chance that it was something in your brain-wiring that you were born with. But my perception is slanted since my own story is reflected in a lot of what you wrote. I even made up songs about being turned into a girl. I loved paging through the women's section of the Sears catalog. But it has always been tangled with my attraction to females. But I am somewhat late to recognize that gender identity and romantic/sexual attraction are two different things. Difference for me is that, even at 18 and in a rock band, I had terrible luck with women. The question has come up tho, would it be better as a trans? Perhaps not. But I don't think it would be any worse. I believe now, that my bad luck was because the women I did date sensed that incongruity in me (my only marriage ended because I hinted at coming out)

These are just some of the factors that you may need to reflect on.

I am going to sue your for copy write violation You were born that way and much of your story reads like mine. If we were left alone, what we are would come out far stronger. Because we grow up in society, we want to fit into society and that which is pure within us is bent out of shape to fit societies norms. The major difference between you and me is that it was constant battle keeping the female side hid until I was ready to let her out. You where able to fit in a bit better and not become one of the school nerds. I had more problems finding the female in the young me because I figured it out when I hit puberty but the female is in my early childhood. You are not a fraud but you are just as messed up as I was when I started treatment. Treatment will clear out the years of social brainwashing you underwent and then it will become clear to you that you are in the right place with the right people. I can see this in your story and you are going to have to trust me. As time goes on you will see the truth yourself.
Now take a good look at my picture. I started treatment at age 23. My first hormones came at age 26 or 27. Surgery was at age 30 and if that picture has a perm, it was taken at about age 35. The only plastic surgery was on the nose. I appeared as a skinny male when I started treatment and hormones, time  and beauty tricks work wonders. Don't look at what you are now, look at what you can become.

Hi OJ,

You have GD, in my opinion and would benefit from seeing a gender therapist.

BTW, from my first sexual experience to now I see myself as a woman with a man regardless of my partners sex.

Yes orange juice you were born with it, we were all born with it. Find a good gender therapist to help you deal with the feelings your having and to help you on your journey through life. With help from caring people you can have a better life.

Thanks for the replies,

Quote from: Marly on June 04, 2015, 08:03:04 PM
But it has always been tangled with my attraction to females. But I am somewhat late to recognize that gender identity and romantic/sexual attraction are two different things. 

Ye what I'm trying to figure out is if there is some kind of overlap for me too. And I have always known the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation. The thing is, if we say that gender dysphoria is because the brain, or some part of it, is wired like a genetic females, then doesn't it follow that your sexuality would be expressed in some kind of a female way? The gender of my sexuality is female, if that makes any sense at all. It would explain why the thought of being with a man as I am now grosses me out, maybe just in a similar way that most girls wouldn't be turned on by gay men's porn (or maybe they would I don't know), but when I flip that switch in my head and I imagine myself as in a female body, that changes. It would also explain why for some bizarre reason that from a young age, before I'd even really had sex explained to me, the longing I felt down there was very much a feeling for penetration, as if I had virtual female parts.

But then maybe I'm just turned on by the idea of being a female and have been since I was 4 and the whole thing is just an expression of that odd sexuality.

Quote from: Dena on June 04, 2015, 08:05:12 PM
The major difference between you and me is that it was constant battle keeping the female side hid until I was ready to let her out. You where able to fit in a bit better and not become one of the school nerds.

See at the time it didn't really feel like fitting in. I was just happy. Maybe what I wrote doesn't do it justice. I liked myself. Really a lot. There was not one thing that I disliked about being a guy. The things I described above I put down to nothing other than simple personality differences and in no way made me question my gender. Its only retrospectively that I've thought ok maybe that meant something. I was hell bent on a career as an athlete. If you'd offered me the chance to take a pill and be forever female, I'd have taken it, but that was honestly the extent of any dysphoria that I felt until I was 18. Basically I'm finding it impossible to determine whether, as the things that gave me my self-confidence began to unravel-my hair began to fall out, my looks changed, and an injury robbed me of my athleticism and a potential career-I have allowed this gender thing to become huge in my head simply because I'm unhappy with how my life turned out, or if it was a ticking time bomb all along and it going off was inevitable.

Quote from: orangejuice on June 04, 2015, 07:30:01 PM
So what do you think, how likely is it that I was born with gender dysphoria?

Why does it matter?  You are now as you are now.  Even if you had been 100% cis until the naughty trans fairy came by (say, six months ago) and touched you with their magic wand to make you the way you are now, you would still be trans.

If your assigned gender doesn't fit, then you're trans (okay, a bit oversimplified.)  IMHO, it doesn't matter how you got there.

First, please stop thinking about killing yourself.  You are here and you are one of us, regardless of where you eventually find yourself on the gender spectrum.  For most of my life I was in denial about being transgender.  I told myself I was a somewhat feminine guy with a "kink" for bikinis and short shorts, etc.  But eventually the denial and the coping mechanisms run out, and you have to deal honestly with yourself.

I was lurking the last time you were on here.  Since then I have started up an account, come out to my wife, started buying female clothing, and done some dressing in front of her.  And what I have found is that I like myself better this way.  I feel more authentic, more like myself.  Yeah, someday I might like HRT and having my mild little brow ridges ground down and my nose done, but that is currently out there in the "out there."  Meanwhile there is my next order of cute shorts from American Eagle and Hollister to worry about. 

First, take care of yourself.  Ask yourself what you would do and how you would dress if there were no psychological inhibitions, no barriers, no fears of what your parents or friends would say.  You seem to be terribly conflicted, and that is what a therapist is for -- to resolve the inner conflicts.

And that is why you need to see a therapist.

Quote from: orangejuice on June 04, 2015, 08:53:26 PM
Thanks for the replies,

Ye what I'm trying to figure out is if there is some kind of overlap for me too. And I have always known the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation. The thing is, if we say that gender dysphoria is because the brain, or some part of it, is wired like a genetic females, then doesn't it follow that your sexuality would be expressed in some kind of a female way? The gender of my sexuality is female, if that makes any sense at all. It would explain why the thought of being with a man as I am now grosses me out, maybe just in a similar way that most girls wouldn't be turned on by gay men's porn (or maybe they would I don't know), but when I flip that switch in my head and I imagine myself as in a female body, that changes. It would also explain why for some bizarre reason that from a young age, before I'd even really had sex explained to me, the longing I felt down there was very much a feeling for penetration, as if I had virtual female parts.

But then maybe I'm just turned on by the idea of being a female and have been since I was 4 and the whole thing is just an expression of that odd sexuality.

See at the time it didn't really feel like fitting in. I was just happy. Maybe what I wrote doesn't do it justice. I liked myself. Really a lot. There was not one thing that I disliked about being a guy. The things I described above I put down to nothing other than simple personality differences and in no way made me question my gender. Its only retrospectively that I've thought ok maybe that meant something. I was hell bent on a career as an athlete. If you'd offered me the chance to take a pill and be forever female, I'd have taken it, but that was honestly the extent of any dysphoria that I felt until I was 18. Basically I'm finding it impossible to determine whether, as the things that gave me my self-confidence began to unravel-my hair began to fall out, my looks changed, and an injury robbed me of my athleticism and a potential career-I have allowed this gender thing to become huge in my head simply because I'm unhappy with how my life turned out, or if it was a ticking time bomb all along and it going off was inevitable.

You need to understand there is no right way to feel. I had good times before seeking treatment and sometimes confused my sexuality with my gender ID. My third doctor described his job as  you have a problem, tough, learn to live with it. That pretty much described my treatment. I stopped worrying about where I came from and why I was the way I was. I worked on finding a new life that made me happy. Two years of cross living made it clear to me I would never willingly return to the old life and being a woman was right for me. You are very new to this and what ever you do, stay with us and keep looking. As I said before it is very clear to us you need to be here. You told the a story that contained truth for all of us which makes you one of us. What only you can do is find what will make you happy so leave the past alone and start working on the future. You can't change the past but you can change your future.

Quote from: CarlyMcx on June 04, 2015, 10:47:27 PM
Ask yourself what you would do and how you would dress if there were no psychological inhibitions, no barriers, no fears of what your parents or friends would say.  You seem to be terribly conflicted, and that is what a therapist is for -- to resolve the inner conflicts.

I understand the point. If there were no fears for me then I would have gone to school in a dress at the age of 5. Instead of secretly and shamefully admiring my sisters shoes I'd have bought myself a pair. As a teenager I'd  have told all my friends and family I wanted to be a girl while smashing people on the rugby field and captaining my school team. Haha not really an option. But ye I get it. What I'm saying is now that is a very different question. If I had no fears, no psychological barriers, no social indoctrination-I'd do little to nothing different. Save for the fact I wouldn't have this filter on what comes out my mouth, 'don't say that, it sounds too soft', 'don't let them know how you feel, you're not supposed to be that emotional', 'don't be too considerate, its not manly'- 'ask them if they've shagged any birds lately or downed any pints'. I hate all that stuff. You are definitely right to say I'm conflicted right?  ANYWAY, what I'm saying is, apart from that, would I wear women's clothes, put on make up, wear a wig? No I wouldn't. Because I don't look like a female when I do. I used to cross dress. A lot up until around 6 and then occasionally as a teenager. I liked it because I could look in the mirror and see a girl, or at least, as I got older, parts of me that looked female, or from just the right angle I looked female. I've done it once or twice as an 'adult'. I hate it. Nothing about it looks female. I think that's why its been replaced by masturbating to the idea of being female, because for a few seconds that feels more real than staring at some big lad in a skirt in the mirror. And I know hormones work wonders. But I have to be realistic. I posted a pic on here before but it was an incredibly flattering angle and lighting in terms of looking feminine. This is more the truth-

http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f21/sonybarcelona/Mobile%20Uploads/IMG_1719_zps7ibpztmu.jpg
http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f21/sonybarcelona/Mobile%20Uploads/IMG_1718_zpstejox1qa.jpg
http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f21/sonybarcelona/Mobile%20Uploads/IMG_1717_zps4bwotn1h.jpg


And of my face and body its my face that it much more likely to pass.

I understand that people have said that hormones take the edge off things and make you feel better even if you don't look any different. I was prescribed Cyproterone Acetate after seeing a gender therapist for a 4 sessions. I took it for 6 days and mentally felt pretty great. Calmer, less on edge. I felt like I did when I was younger. Happy too, simply in the knowledge that testosterone was getting blocked. But that was in the moment. I also knew I might have just started something that was going to eventually lead to my whole life falling apart. I'm not the kind of person who likes to stand out. For some reason I have this heightened sense of not wanting to look stupid. I was the kid in drama class who just sat there, refused to pretend to be a butterfly or whatever because it just felt painfully embarassing. I just want to blend in. I'm not cut out to be different. I'd lose literally everything in my life. I love my friends. I've had them since school. They are hilariously funny and fiercely loyal. Sure I know secretly I'm different to them but that doesn't mean I'm not able to take part, have a laugh, have good friendships. In fact I'm a pretty valued member of the group. When we are all joking around I just think, how could I be so stupid to consider changing my life so much in return for chasing something that I'll probably never achieve? And likely put myself through so much pain in the process?

Anyway after 6 days on the cyproterone I woke up feeling pretty physically unwell and tbh its 6 months later and I haven't really got to the bottom of it. It makes me incredibly weary of taking any other kind of hormones, and I'm suddenly conscious that I don't really like the idea of having a chemically dependent body for the rest of my life. So basically, I can't really see myself taking hormones anyway.

I'm not clinically depressed. I don't feel like all that I'm feeling is because of a chemical imbalance in the brain. I'm just slowly and logically coming to the conclusion that I'm never going to be happy. I hope I'll never kill myself because of that. I definitely won't while my Mum is around. But when I think of the future I just think , jees I'm going to have to find a way to get through this. Just like killing time.

The photos aren't clear so I am doing a little guess work here. First you have a weak jaw as compared to my somewhat stronger jaw which is good. Next it looks like you might be carrying some extra weight possibly as the result of the depression. Loss of that weight should take some of the mass out of your face giving it a more youthful and more feminine look. Facial hair will need to go and you may be limited on your hairstyle selection  but most GGs are so that shouldn't be a big deal. Your skin looks good and should only improve with time. Plastic surgery is always a consideration but I wouldn't even think about it until all the above items have been addressed.

There is something about the transexual brain and that is the hormones for the birth sex seem to really mess it up. It's only the absence or blocking by hormones of the opposite sex that seem to relive the pressure that we feel after puberty. I think this is a good indication you need to explore what you want out of life. It is going to be a hard path to follow but the rewards are great and you have us to help you with the problems as we have been there.

I think it's going to be what you want and how hard you are willing to work toward that goal but you can find happiness and the end to your depression.

I've read everything on this page. All I have to say is you probably were born this way and shouldn't kill yourself.

Quote from: Dena on June 05, 2015, 09:24:39 AM
The photos aren't clear so I am doing a little guess work here. First you have a weak jaw as compared to my somewhat stronger jaw which is good. Next it looks like you might be carrying some extra weight possibly as the result of the depression. Loss of that weight should take some of the mass out of your face giving it a more youthful and more feminine look. Facial hair will need to go and you may be limited on your hairstyle selection  but most GGs are so that shouldn't be a big deal. Your skin looks good and should only improve with time. Plastic surgery is always a consideration but I wouldn't even think about it until all the above items have been addressed.

There is something about the transexual brain and that is the hormones for the birth sex seem to really mess it up. It's only the absence or blocking by hormones of the opposite sex that seem to relive the pressure that we feel after puberty. I think this is a good indication you need to explore what you want out of life. It is going to be a hard path to follow but the rewards are great and you have us to help you with the problems as we have been there.

I think it's going to be what you want and how hard you are willing to work toward that goal but you can find happiness and the end to your depression.

Yes my hair loss is to the point now where I'd have to wear a wig. My jaw isn't particularly square but what seems to have happened at 20+  is my chin has somehow become all jowly and big. I seem to have a natural double chin. That wasn't there when I was 18. I am carrying a bit of extra weight as of the last 6 months but my jaw has looked like that for years now. My nose has gotten way bigger. The areas above my eyes have gotten all bony and uneven, as has my forehead. My skin has always been soft and would do well on hormones and I think and my lips are pretty feminine too. Basically I would need a forehead shave, a nose job, hope that hormones would take away all that bulk around my chin, and find a realistic wig that covers my large ears. Doesn't sound like I'd make a very natural looking woman. Not saying its impossible, but who knows how long it would take until I could afford those things. Maybe in like 15 years I'd be happy with how I looked. And that's just my face. My body would have a chance of looking odd but passable for a female, but likely it would just be an instant giveaway, feet, hands, ribcage, arm length etc.

If I do decide to do something again the way I would approach it would be to get as skinny as possible, and if I could see the potential, try dressing up and make up, then if I could see the potential, take hormones, then if I could see the potential, maybe try and pursue some light FFS, then if I could see the potential, finally live outwardly as a woman. But tbh I reckon I'd fall at the first hurdle.

The thing is all the things that I've just described about my appearance changing, have all occured in the last 5-6 years and I hate them all. At 18 my face would have done pretty well on hormones. I guess most peoples would at that young age. But they've also made me an 'uglier' looking guy. Its hard to know what is really getting me down, the fact that I've masculinized or just the fact that I don't see myself being as 'good looking' as I used to. If I still did then maybe the gender thing wouldn't even bother me, like it didn't when I was 18. It would just be a secret choice I would make if I could but have no impact on my happiness as a guy. Which again, makes me think, was I really born this way? Or is it just because I'm now unhappy with the way my life as a guy has turned out and how I look as a guy.

Quote from: Asche on June 04, 2015, 09:27:26 PM
Why does it matter?  You are now as you are now.  Even if you had been 100% cis until the naughty trans fairy came by (say, six months ago) and touched you with their magic wand to make you the way you are now, you would still be trans.

If your assigned gender doesn't fit, then you're trans (okay, a bit oversimplified.)  IMHO, it doesn't matter how you got there.

This is simple and right on.  We don't fix anything by going back.  Connecting the dots from our past may help us move forward and maybe understand ourselves but your future is squarely in your hands.  Please do not harm yourself with those hands!  Fear is the greatest show stopper for many of us and you can take steps every day to own your identity.  Born or woke up that way, today is what we have to work with.  The past is a memory and the future a dream.  Say yes to yourself today.

Quote from: orangejuice on June 05, 2015, 12:01:32 PM
Doesn't sound like I'd make a very natural looking woman. Not saying its impossible, but who knows how long it would take until I could afford those things. Maybe in like 15 years I'd be happy with how I looked. And that's just my face. My body would have a chance of looking odd but passable for a female, but likely it would just be an instant giveaway, feet, hands, ribcage, arm length etc.

I am 5'14" with everything scaled to match including foot ball player shoulders. To make it worst I am running around with a petite neighbor. I have forehead issues as well but I pick cuts that have bangs. I had a nose job but I knew at the time I could get along without it. My fathers side of the family has large rib cages. My hands are about a size 10 glove. I am working on my voice that can give me away at the first word. But yet, I have been living happily as a women for 35 years and people accept me with my flaws.
The truth is you are better off to get in the world now than sitting around making wishes on what could be. Many GGs have issues much like you but it's their attitude that causes society to treat them as women. When I walk in as store, I feel I have just as much right to be there as everybody else and should I need to deal with somebody else, it is in my mind that we are equals. Yes it is hard to do at first but the more you do it the more comfortable you are in public. It would help you if you can find somebody who is comfortable in public to go out with you. Having somebody familiar close by will make the public less fearful. Many others on this web site are past that next step you need to take. Some pass well and others like me sometimes have issues but the world is a more interesting place than the closet.

Orangejuice, pretend you just had a visit from the gender fairy:  First, she offers to wave her magic wand and make you look like Vin Diesel or Duane Johnson -- in other words, you get to be the perfect guy, the man's man.  Would you be happy with that?  Because that didn't work for Bruce Jenner.  He got to marry three beautiful women, and it still did not work for him.  Becoming Caitlyn was the only thing that worked.

Next question:  The fairy says, "Sorry, my wand is on the fritz.  I can't make you look like a Victoria's Secret supermodel.  I can only make you look like a passable female version of yourself."  Do you take that one?  Because that is what weight loss and hormones will do.  Yes, your face may look a little bony for a girl, but so does Hilary Swank. 

Now the fairy says, "My wand can get working again, but I need to charge it with some unobtanium.  I can make you a beautiful woman, but the cost will be the price of a nice, slightly used sports car, like a Jaguar or a Corvette."  That is FFS and body contouring surgery.

I know you are worried about how long it will take to make the money, but ask yourself -- if I get on the right road, will it help me do things better?  Even if you cannot magically transform yourself, doing little things to take care of yourself like losing weight, shaving the beard, working on dress and grooming can help a lot.  When people see you working on yourself and taking a positive, upbeat attitude they want to root for you and help you.  This creates opportunities in the working world, and that leads to the money.

Stop saying "I'd fall at the first hurdle."  If you get to the first hurdle and you can't jump it, then kick it aside and keep going.

There is no wrong way to transition.  The only thing wrong is not moving toward your goal if that is what you truly want.

Quote from: CarlyMcx on June 05, 2015, 04:07:10 PM
Orangejuice, pretend you just had a visit from the gender fairy:  First, she offers to wave her magic wand and make you look like Vin Diesel or Duane Johnson -- in other words, you get to be the perfect guy, the man's man.  Would you be happy with that?  Because that didn't work for Bruce Jenner.  He got to marry three beautiful women, and it still did not work for him.  Becoming Caitlyn was the only thing that worked.

Next question:  The fairy says, "Sorry, my wand is on the fritz.  I can't make you look like a Victoria's Secret supermodel.  I can only make you look like a passable female version of yourself."  Do you take that one?  Because that is what weight loss and hormones will do.  Yes, your face may look a little bony for a girl, but so does Hilary Swank. 

Ye I ask myself these questions. If I could turn into Brad Pitt or David Beckham I'd still choose being a normal, broke, average looking girl working in a coffee shop or something. But then I do sometimes think, I don't look at fat or 'ugly' girls, sorry I know I shouldn't say that but  I can't help it, and feel any jealousy at all. And then I feel guilty and that maybe its just about some idealisation of what it means to be female that has for some reason been there from a really young age. I'm not like be female at all costs. There's a point where I'd rather stay as me now, and try and deal with the unhappiness. Unfortunately I don't think I'd look passable, definitely not without facial surgery, and to me that would be worse than how I feel now. I'd just be forced to think about it all the time, whereas now at least I can get distracted by other things. I know big people can pass, and there's plenty of big trans and cis women who look great, but I'm built like a baboon, my upper body is soo much wider than my hips and legs, and its way bigger than you'd expect for someone who's only 5.11. That's why I was good at rugby I think. Add that to big head, big hands, and particularly large feet, then its just not going to make me happy. Its like putting lipstick on a pig. That's why I don't bother about shaving or anything.

Anyway I'm sorry to be such a downer again. I just sometimes really feel so hopeless with this. But things have been complicated in the last 6 months due to the fact I had something kinda funny happen to my health on the cyproterone and its been quite hard to deal with. Who knows where I'd be if that hadn't happened. Maybe the whole hormone effect of calming you down and feeling more content in your own skin would have worked for me. I certainly had a little hint that it might. But that is complicated now and I don't really know where I go from here.

Go to a therapist about this and think about the female hormones you may take one day.