I really just need to let this out. My dysphoria really got the better of me today at work. Well it actually started this morning I hated having to put on yucky khaki pants and a shirt that sits on me like a tent. I thought "Oh well Raven you'll get over it." But once I pulled into the parking lot felt like I was going to vomit and started shaking as I was walking in. Plus it didn't help that night management left the place a complete wreck. But everything seemed to be bothering me today. From people using my male name which I've never liked. And even worse to short version that I really hate! On top of that being called sir and man just felt like getting stabbed.

One good thing I do have an appointment with a therapist so that was a plus. And he could tell over the phone that I seemed pretty unhappy. I calmed myself pretty well down during lunch break for an hour. But anxiety started to hit me again once I went back to work. And I started having a lot of people asking me if I was alright. And now its getting hard to mask my unhappiness since I've been gloomy this entire week. So now I'm really stuck on what I should do. Because I'm getting asked by nine people on my team daily now what's wrong. 

I know that all this isn't going to change quickly. But I just don't want to have to go through these feelings five days a week. At least I feel a little bit better getting this out

Big hug! Venturus problemum is a very popular spell here.     Getting things out is always good.

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi Raven, sorry you had such a terrible day. It's great though that you are going to see a therapist - that's a good step in the right direction to help you sort things out and decide on a course of action. When dysphoria is really bad there is very little that lifts the mood - about the best I managed to come up with once I was on the path to transition was to imagine myself as a woman pretending to be a man by going undercover as secret agent gender spy... I have an overactive imagination like that but it really helped. The other thing I did pre transition was just mentally change utterances of he and his to she and hers, etc... really helped take the sting out of those words. Hope you feel better soon.

Hi Raven. First off congrats on making the appointment to see a therapist. It's a huge step that I hope helps you as much as it has many of us. I'm sorry you had a bad day today. Day like that are going to happen are were going to want to crawl back under the covers and pretend it never happened, but key is to take it one day at at time. Let tomorrow be a new day starting over and moving on fresh. We all have days like. Your distaste for your old male name and it's shortened version sounds like mine. I allowed very few to ever get away with the shortened version because I hated it so much. I hope tomorrow is better for you. Hang in there. Hugs
Mariah

Aww thank you Devlyn "hugs back"

Grace, I really like the idea you have being a undercover gender spy. My imagination goes all over the place so I'll give it a try. The mentally changing words in my head is a wonderful idea also! Thank you so much! "Hugs" The other thing that kind of helped me out today was just mentally playing music in my head. For some reason REM seems to clam me.

"Hugs" back Mariah thank you so much! I finally got myself calmed down took a long shower and made dinner. Plus one of my cats knew I was upset. She ended up dropping herself at my feet and purring loudly. And never realized how much long hair gets in the way.

We have all been in your shoes, and we will all have those shoes on again at some point. Getting the support here is a big plus by learning thru the experience of others. I go thru the name thing alot, I really hate it. so much so Ive had arguments with payroll clerks to put my preferred andro name on my pay stubs, sometimes to no avail.  I know there is a means to an end. That some times gets me thru it all. Some times when I cant dress femme I put on some perfume or at very least body wash just enough that I can smell, that seems to make me feel more in place and not so much dysphoria. Huggs girl.  Your doin ok .

Brie, this entire forum is what is keeping me going right now. So I really appreciate all the support I'm getting from everyone here. I've never been this comfortable and open anywhere else.

Aww, and calling me girl made my night for me the second time. The first time is when my therapist called me Raven. And now I'm starting to tear up just thinking about it. Thank you so much hugs from Raven!

{{Hugs}}  Talking sometimes makes it better ... smacking some idiots in the head can make it better, too but you won't get charged with assault if you talk    Hopt things get better

Oh Raven,

I do so well remember those days. The days of horror, knowing I'm a woman but hidden in a shell of a man. Wanting to scream to the world 'I'm a woman, treat me as my gender!'

Then sinking again into despair.

Then one day, the journey changes, you can present as yourself. Your heart sings as you go out.

And you can shout "I am a woman and I will be treated as me"

And you shall be.

Hi Raven, sorry you had such a crap day - hugs and kisses

I feel that stabbing feeling everyday, despite that I still have to hold on to the old me for just a little longer (fingers X'd)

But you are on the journey, there are always going to be bad days, no matter what... Just out of interest, when folks were asking you what's up, did you think about blurting it all out... I have been there and held back, rightly or wrongly... I went to the bathroom and just buried my head, then pulled myself through. It will get better at some point soon.

Stay strong and to your plan 

hugs

L Katy 

I'm sorry it's a rough day. I'm in the same boat as you in the regards of the whole, I hate it when everyone calls me sir, man, bro, brother, any regards to male annotations it gets to me. But me being pre everything I can't be mad at them, but just take it for the time being, hopefully soon I'll get the paperwork from my union, to where it states my insurance is properly transferred over. So I can look into therapy, and it not costing an arm, leg and a heart.
I know my friend from my previous work place, when I came out to him, he ended up being okay to talk to, and as close as he is to me, well further in physical form, but since he doesn't know too well, when he was all "alright my brother, I will be praying for you" I didn't mind so much.
I look back to when I had no inkling to my dysphoria, and at the end of nearly every phone call I had, which the other person did not know me at all and they all ended up "have a good day/evening ma'am" at the time it frustrated me to all heck to the point to where I was like "I'm a guy," but in the reality now I smile at all those times. And I probably will still get that.
What helps me when I get home is dressing in my comfy clothes, a skirt that I really like, and a cute ass tank top. Some days will be bad and some will be okay, everything will turn out better when you can be who you really are.

Let's all climb aboard the choo choo train to happiness
Kate♥

Tiffanie "hug's" back thank you. I did feel like smacking some heads. But like you said don't want to get charged with assault. So it really does help just to talk it out here.

Cindy aww I love what you wrote! I look forward and dread the day when HRT finally makes enough changes where I'll have to finally say I am a women! Just going to be a little hard since I work in a place that has about four hundred workers. And word spreads so fast that everyone knows if you've gone to the bathroom within five minutes. And as I've said before everyone thinks I'm gay. I've even been hit on by another guy once.

Katy thank you hugs and kisses back. I was tempted just to finally just tell everyone what was going on. I did have one last break when I got really bad last night. So I ended up sitting in the break room and just watched the news. That helped me out and got through the last fifty minutes.

Kate hugs and thank you! When I did get home I did change into more comfy clothes. It felt so good to get out of pants and wear a skirt. Then played around with makeup and wigs. and realized that as much as I want to be blond it doesn't fit me. Oh well I guess I'll stay a redhead or go brunette. Also started watching "A Fault in Our Stars" last night and I swear my body already thinks I'm on HRT since I started crying during some parts.

HUGS, Raven!  Dysphoria gets the best of us, but the important thing is that we keep on going.  And you did!

Aww hugs back! I still need to get through nine hours today at work. But I'm already working out a plan to go to my car during lunch. And maybe read a book aloud for an hour in a higher pitched voice. Or just listen to some music. And if something gets the best of me I'll just make a beeline for the bathroom.

You may already be doing most of these if people at the office think you are gay, but for anyone else reading this, here goes with some stealthy ways to keep in touch with your fem self when you are in the closet at work.   

1)  At the office supply store, buy and use pens and highlighters in feminine colors.  I currently have packs of pink pens with the "support breast cancer" icon on them, and I use them at work all the time.  Highlighters and sharpies are available in every color of the rainbow, so get your favorite shades of pink, purple or whatever you like. 
No one has called me out for having little office accessories in feminine colors.

2)  Cell phone accessories:  Charge cords and adapters are available in pinks, purples, and lots of other colors.  Equip your car and office with whatever colors you like.

3)  Cell phone cases:  Flowers and sequins are probably going to out you, but getting an Otter case or some other kind of case in purple or aqua or neon green just makes you trendy and metrosexual.  Or you can go designer and get one from Coach or Louis Vuitton or some other maker.

4)  Wall calendars:  Bikinis and lingerie are probably not allowed, but if you have "romantic homes of Tuscany" or "Gardens of Jane Austen," who is going to say anything?

5)  Keep a small makeup bag with a few small items in it in the glove compartment of your car.  No need to actually use them, but just to have them and know they are there can be very calming.

6)  Coach, Louis Vuitton and others make little accesories like bag charms and keychains.  No one says you have to hang the bag charm on the outside of the bag.  You can keep one inside your briefcase.  And hardly anyone is ever going to see your keychain.  This is a nice way to keep a piece of your fem self in your pocket at all times.

Oh Carly thank you I love some of those idea's! Especially the key chain one! Unfortunately I work in a retail store so all my office is a locker that I have to share.

As for today I though the day was going alright for me. I work unloading trucks and I have seniority so I get to pick where I want to work. The way our unloading works every box comes down metal rollers. Well no one wanted to sort out pharmacy and cosmetics. Well needless to say Raven had no trouble picking that as hers. I did use Ms Grace's advice and did imagine that I was an undercover spy. And pretty much learned how not to walk like a male. At lunch I sat in my car listened to some music. And then started reading a book aloud trying to work on my voice.

Then it started falling apart for me within the next hour. I ended up having a manager ask me why I looked so sad? I tried brushing it off that I was sleepy. But I know he could tell something was up. Then another guy on my crew told me the same thing five minutes later Then ten minutes later I had another manager ask me why I looked so sad. I guess I don't feel happy right now in my body and its showing in my face. I ended up going back to the first manager that talked to me. And just told him I'm going through some personal issues. He said he understood and just doesn't like seeing anybody unhappy. Thirty minutes later I was walking by the stores office he invited me in for pizza. I think he really felt sorry for me. That made me a little happier but I ended up getting really close to having a panic attack. I managed to hold myself together for the last forty minutes somehow.

I ended up picking up Taylor Swifts newest album and that cheered me up a little. When I got home I took a shower. But once I looked into the mirror I almost wanted to smash it and cry at the same time. I managed not to do that and just sat down and brushed my wig which relaxed me.

Well that's all for Raven's adventures for today. 

This may sound a little strange but it can be calming. You can get little gardens about 6 inches square. You don't plant things in them so much as put a layer of sand in them and then rake the sand.

Another thing that helps with some people is either watching a fish tank or just having a water fountain type thing. You can get them desk top sized. One other thing that sometimes helps, get a 'snow' globe with  a feature that you really like. Shake it whenever you feel anxious and just watch the glitter or snow fall.

Raven,

You might want to talk to your doctor about anti-depressants, at least temporarily.

--Jen

LordKat, no its not strange at all. I'm really open to anything at this point. Since I haven't dealt with this kind emotional stress for ten years when I almost killed myself. But don't worry I'm not going to do anything I'll regret I'm planning on doing some shopping Monday. And at this point I don't care if anyone sees me buying anything feminine. So I'll just find something that is cute and relaxes me. The worst that will happen is people will think I'm gay which I'm used to.

Jen, I'm actually starting to consider that. I just need to set myself up with a doctor since I haven't been to one in years.

Quote from: RavenL on June 06, 2015, 11:26:16 AM
Tiffanie "hug's" back thank you. I did feel like smacking some heads. But like you said don't want to get charged with assault. So it really does help just to talk it out here.

Cindy aww I love what you wrote! I look forward and dread the day when HRT finally makes enough changes where I'll have to finally say I am a women! Just going to be a little hard since I work in a place that has about four hundred workers. And word spreads so fast that everyone knows if you've gone to the bathroom within five minutes. And as I've said before everyone thinks I'm gay. I've even been hit on by another guy once.

Katy thank you hugs and kisses back. I was tempted just to finally just tell everyone what was going on. I did have one last break when I got really bad last night. So I ended up sitting in the break room and just watched the news. That helped me out and got through the last fifty minutes.

Kate hugs and thank you! When I did get home I did change into more comfy clothes. It felt so good to get out of pants and wear a skirt. Then played around with makeup and wigs. and realized that as much as I want to be blond it doesn't fit me. Oh well I guess I'll stay a redhead or go brunette. Also started watching "A Fault in Our Stars" last night and I swear my body already thinks I'm on HRT since I started crying during some parts.

Dear Raven,

My first day at work as me 2500 people found out in a viral post. Was it bad? I don't think so, because some of those 2500 were haters, some were acceptors. They fought it out amongst themselves. I just basked in finally being me.

We cannot predict the unknown, but we can accept ourselves. Do we 'pass' are our journey's valid?

Who knows? Who cares? You are a woman now. One day everyone else will know that as well.

It is funny though. I come home from work, take off the female day clothes, say thank goddess I can loose my bra and put on sweat pants and top. Let the puppies hang free, make dinner, (look after a certain web site ) and think. Isn't life gorgeous.

One day it will be for you as well!

Just keep to your path. One step at a time.