Hello there,

A few days ago I realized something that had been right in front of me for a very long time, but I couldn't see it.  Of course I'm talking about my gender identity.  Which is such a strange thing to write, that even now I'm having trouble conceptualizing it.  Me a woman, and not just as some elusive fantasy or dream.

When I was younger, a lot younger, I used to come up with these fantasies about various methods where I could magically become a woman.  They were the way I would fall asleep at night.  Yet they were just fantasies, right?  I mean, when I was living with my very aggressively male roommates, there was no way I could be anything but a heterosexual man. 

Thing was, in every way that mattered at the time, I was a heterosexual man.  I loved women, I respected women.  There was nothing about women that I didn't epitomize.  I had them on a pedestal, which made my romantic life somewhat uneven.  Since I had this vaulted opinion of women, my standards were very high, unreasonably high.  In fact, I haven't really had a relationship since high-school.

I would look at women's clothes and be secretly jealous, not that I couldn't wear them, but because men weren't allowed to have the good clothes.  I wasn't allowed to have color, or different shapes.  It was frustrating, but what I could I do about it.  I was a guy, pants, shorts, shirts, and no makeup of any kind.  I didn't even experiment, even though a part of me always wanted to. 

So the years passed, and I become a bit angry.  I started over eating, and let my personal hygiene fall down my list of priorities.  Why should I care about my body, when my body wasn't right, right? No one was going to ever find this body attractive, so I made it ugly.  Depression cycles, self-hatred, and constant thoughts of escaping my life (not through suicide though) dominated me and controlled my actions and relationships. 

I pushed away friends, and alienated my relationship with my mother.  Until I got to a point of just existing, living day by day in a sort of holding pattern.  Yes, I'm fully aware that this realization isn't going to suddenly make my life better.  I'm pretty sure things will be mixed, good and bad.  But at least I'm now being honest with myself.  How do I know that?  Well I've been smiling ever since I realized the truth.

The thing is, I don't really have anyone to talk to.  I'm looking into therapy, but I don't have the resources to start immediately (which is first on my transition list).  I hope I can find someone to talk to, as a friend that has gone through something similar to what I've gone through.  Or at least understands what it is to be different, and not really know how to be.

Thanks for reading,

Samantha MQ

Samantha,

Welcome. This is a really good site. Many supportive people here who care.  You are not alone here.

Yes, a person to talk to face to face is great. Therapy is a great first step. Please do give it a shot when you can.

You sound like you are in a pretty good place. I am in a relatively early stage myself and even unsure of how far I will end up going. I have had a few not so great days, but my main conviction comes similarly to yours. When I accepted this and was able to speak it aloud, my life has gotten better. I have less anger and tension. As I said, there are still bad days. However, it is  not the end of the world and is so much easier  to overcome now.

I wish you clarity and a smooth journey. Let us know if we can help.

With loving thoughts,

Joanna

Hey Samantha

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Thanks for sharing your story. It is quite common that the understanding of our true gender identity comes as a bolt from the blue when it was really fairly obvious all along!!

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Cheers

Grace

Welcome to Susan's place. There is no substitute for working with a professional but we are willing to help with many things that don't come out of therapy. We will listen and we have vast quantities of information to draw upon. In my case I can offer you the long term view of things while others can provide you with up to date information on things that have changed in 30 years. Getting your head in the right place takes a while but it will happen and when you are done with all the work, all you will have left is happiness. If I can help you with anything, let me know.

Hi Samantha, welcome to Susan's. Thank you for sharing your story. It's amazing when you have that realization in regards to your gender and then that really me, but then you realize it's true and possible. Your among friends now. We all know how many can slow down things more than we like. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Hi Samantha 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi Samantha welcome to Susan's

I had dreams of being female from a very early age, also asked for magic, divine intervention even the devil to magically change me overnight, bah... not even the devil would help! So gave up asking for divine intervention!

You'll find lots of virtual friends here that you can talk through your thoughts, questions, expectations... but never ever give up on enjoying life, set a plan some goals and start your journey. And yes I can attest to admiring and getting envious over women and the beautiful clothing they have to chose from, its why I used to hate shopping with my wife, it wasn't 'cause I overly hated it, although now I totally love it, it was absolute jealousy of here buying all those lovely clothes.

Look forward to seeing you about the forums...

L Katy 

Thank you all for your support and kind words.  This is one of those times where it is easy to second guess myself, but in this case I can feel that I'm not wrong about it.  Therapy is near the top of my list for transitioning.

I was wondering, is coming up with a full plan to transition that takes 2-3 years a bad thing?  Or is that kind of planning good for this kind of life change?

Samantha MQ

It's not a bad thing, but I wouldn't set yourself on any rigid time schedule because things have a way of changing. Some things go faster and some go slower. Much of this depends on your readiness and part is just the hoops we have to go through. Hugs
Mariah

Good to know.  I wasn't thinking rigid plans, but more like a hopeful rough timeline of what I'd like to do. 

Year one: Therapy, start hormones, loose weight.
Year two: Electrolysis, maybe a surgery or two like FFS and Augmentation
Year three: Final surgeries, including SRS

All of that is contingent on money and how I feel about my transition of course.  Perhaps I shouldn't be planning that far ahead of things, or maybe I'm forcing things further down the line than I'd like to.  The thing is, I kind of want to be fully transitioned by the time I hit 40.

Again thanks for the advice,

Samantha MQ

Nothing wrong with planning that far ahead and remember hormones can do amazing things so some things that maybe on that list may go and others that were not may go on the list. A fluid list of plans is a good idea. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: SamanthaMQ on June 06, 2015, 11:45:37 PM
Hello there,

A few days ago I realized something that had been right in front of me for a very long time, but I couldn't see it.  Of course I'm talking about my gender identity.  Which is such a strange thing to write, that even now I'm having trouble conceptualizing it.  Me a woman, and not just as some elusive fantasy or dream.

When I was younger, a lot younger, I used to come up with these fantasies about various methods where I could magically become a woman.  They were the way I would fall asleep at night.  Yet they were just fantasies, right?  I mean, when I was living with my very aggressively male roommates, there was no way I could be anything but a heterosexual man. 

Thing was, in every way that mattered at the time, I was a heterosexual man.  I loved women, I respected women.  There was nothing about women that I didn't epitomize.  I had them on a pedestal, which made my romantic life somewhat uneven.  Since I had this vaulted opinion of women, my standards were very high, unreasonably high.  In fact, I haven't really had a relationship since high-school.

I would look at women's clothes and be secretly jealous, not that I couldn't wear them, but because men weren't allowed to have the good clothes.  I wasn't allowed to have color, or different shapes.  It was frustrating, but what I could I do about it.  I was a guy, pants, shorts, shirts, and no makeup of any kind.  I didn't even experiment, even though a part of me always wanted to. 

So the years passed, and I become a bit angry.  I started over eating, and let my personal hygiene fall down my list of priorities.  Why should I care about my body, when my body wasn't right, right? No one was going to ever find this body attractive, so I made it ugly.  Depression cycles, self-hatred, and constant thoughts of escaping my life (not through suicide though) dominated me and controlled my actions and relationships. 

I pushed away friends, and alienated my relationship with my mother.  Until I got to a point of just existing, living day by day in a sort of holding pattern.  Yes, I'm fully aware that this realization isn't going to suddenly make my life better.  I'm pretty sure things will be mixed, good and bad.  But at least I'm now being honest with myself.  How do I know that?  Well I've been smiling ever since I realized the truth.

The thing is, I don't really have anyone to talk to.  I'm looking into therapy, but I don't have the resources to start immediately (which is first on my transition list).  I hope I can find someone to talk to, as a friend that has gone through something similar to what I've gone through.  Or at least understands what it is to be different, and not really know how to be.

Thanks for reading,

Samantha MQ

Hey Samantha,

I'm Sasha, pleased to meet you!

I have gone through a relatively similar experience as you. I had the opportunity to experiment with underclothing growing up, but it always resulted in a purge several months later.

I just recently discovered the truth about myself as well. I'm a girl, just like you. [emoji4]
My life growing up, i went through phases where i would believe i was anything but trans. I was a cross dresser. No, i had infantilism. No, I'm just an effeminate gay.

I look forward to seeing you around!

~Sasha

Sent from my SM-G386W using Tapatalk

Quote from: sashapawz on June 11, 2015, 05:05:26 AM
Hey Samantha,

I'm Sasha, pleased to meet you!

I have gone through a relatively similar experience as you. I had the opportunity to experiment with underclothing growing up, but it always resulted in a purge several months later.

I just recently discovered the truth about myself as well. I'm a girl, just like you. [emoji4]
My life growing up, i went through phases where i would believe i was anything but trans. I was a cross dresser. No, i had infantilism. No, I'm just an effeminate gay.

I look forward to seeing you around!

~Sasha

Nice to meet you Sasha,

I'm so glad you have come found a way to express your inner-self in a positive way.  I haven't fully had a chance to deal with the finer points of being Trans yet, but just the first moments are pretty powerful.  Have you had a chance to come out to anyone yet?  Are you going to transition, or do you feel comfortable enough in your body to stay male part time?

Anyway, thanks for the reply.

Samantha MQ

Hello and welcome to Susan's, Samantha.

Welcome to Susan's.

Quote from: SamanthaMQ on June 06, 2015, 11:45:37 PM
Hello there,

A few days ago I realized something that had been right in front of me for a very long time, but I couldn't see it.  Of course I'm talking about my gender identity.  Which is such a strange thing to write, that even now I'm having trouble conceptualizing it.  Me a woman, and not just as some elusive fantasy or dream.

When I was younger, a lot younger, I used to come up with these fantasies about various methods where I could magically become a woman.  They were the way I would fall asleep at night.  Yet they were just fantasies, right?  I mean, when I was living with my very aggressively male roommates, there was no way I could be anything but a heterosexual man. 

Thing was, in every way that mattered at the time, I was a heterosexual man.  I loved women, I respected women.  There was nothing about women that I didn't epitomize.  I had them on a pedestal, which made my romantic life somewhat uneven.  Since I had this vaulted opinion of women, my standards were very high, unreasonably high.  In fact, I haven't really had a relationship since high-school.

I would look at women's clothes and be secretly jealous, not that I couldn't wear them, but because men weren't allowed to have the good clothes.  I wasn't allowed to have color, or different shapes.  It was frustrating, but what I could I do about it.  I was a guy, pants, shorts, shirts, and no makeup of any kind.  I didn't even experiment, even though a part of me always wanted to. 

So the years passed, and I become a bit angry.  I started over eating, and let my personal hygiene fall down my list of priorities.  Why should I care about my body, when my body wasn't right, right? No one was going to ever find this body attractive, so I made it ugly.  Depression cycles, self-hatred, and constant thoughts of escaping my life (not through suicide though) dominated me and controlled my actions and relationships. 

I pushed away friends, and alienated my relationship with my mother.  Until I got to a point of just existing, living day by day in a sort of holding pattern.  Yes, I'm fully aware that this realization isn't going to suddenly make my life better.  I'm pretty sure things will be mixed, good and bad.  But at least I'm now being honest with myself.  How do I know that?  Well I've been smiling ever since I realized the truth.

The thing is, I don't really have anyone to talk to.  I'm looking into therapy, but I don't have the resources to start immediately (which is first on my transition list).  I hope I can find someone to talk to, as a friend that has gone through something similar to what I've gone through.  Or at least understands what it is to be different, and not really know how to be.

Thanks for reading,

Samantha MQ

Samantha MQ,

I am here for you to talk to, as much of what you have outlined resembles my very own narrative.  I too imagined becoming a woman at a very young age, and I tried cross-dressing -- in spite of how embarrassed of it I was -- at the age of 5.  I too put women on a pedestal, and this speaks to why every one of my relationships ended with me getting dumped by females I found myself madly in love with.  I soon realized that I was envious of them more than anything; not only them, but their position and privilege within society.  I came to terms with how females can be geeky, dorky, goober-ish, super-smart, quirky, rude -- you name it -- and still be respected and valued if they are attractive.  I came to terms with how attractiveness as a female seems to be driven by resources available to the female... I realized at the age of 19 that I wanted to transition -- even if I felt that it was some type of perversion that I was experiencing.  I was at odds with my inclination to transition, and so I abused my body by taking anabolic steroids -- numerous times.  At 5 ft. 9 or 5 ft. 10, I had reached a weight of 190 lbs., and this was only last summer.   In September, I decided to finally throw the towel in on living up to society's standard of what a male or female should be and sought out gender therapy.  I obtained my hormones in one month, and have been taking them ever since.  I do not regret it, and I feel that the same may hold true for you.  My life has changed drastically due to my decision, and people's true colors have been revealed.  I now live under a new alias in the town that I grew up in, located in the Bible Belt.  I live entirely incognito as a woman, and very few know who I am.  I enjoy it; I enjoy the looks of amazement on people's faces whenever they learn of my story.  I am confident in who I am, and I will never regret taking such a risk, all to be who I am.  If it weren't for my willingness to risk actualizing the woman that has been trapped inside of me for so long, the world would not know the woman I am today.  I am here to help you in any way I can.

Ally