So, I've been here before... Recently actually... I purged out of panic - someone I know read what I posted. (BTW Thanks Dena, J.50, and a few others - I didn't have time to grab names - your responses helped me so much). I also lost all those links someone was kind enough to give me and my name, which I loved.

So thus far... I've called off a marriage, signed up with a therapist, decided I want out of a relationship with a perfectly loving and supportive partner because I've felt like I have wanted out for a long time now, completely screwed up the little family we had, about to change jobs, want to change my hair - so excited for this tho, and I've come out to a few close friends and most family as a highly confused creature of confusion.

I dressed up for the first time in a LONG time last night and again now. Typically, I can't because I HATE the way I look... I was surprisingly cute tho as long as I can't see my face - and it feels so wonderful to actually feel like I have something on my chest that is closer to real than my imagination. It still bothered me that my shoulders and arms are large, but I realistically only looked like a girl who lifted weights (you know, the amateur body building types). The mirror feels like my mortal enemy.

That said... I wonder if this is all a construct created by my mind in order to exit out of a relationship I don't want. Or so I have been wondering now that I've been questioned so much by a heartbroken woman - who lives with me now. Some people think I am just having a mental break down - from what I hear. Now, I am going to skip the graphic detail, but my partner and I had some time together (role reversal)... At the end of it, I was so happy, I looked in the mirror half dressed and absolutely hated my ... equipment... I mean, I was just totally disgusted.

...

There was no figment of my imagination. I loved the way I felt, until I saw ... that. Thing. There.

I remember how I felt even now... It's like, I have no desire to use it. I see men and women I am attracted too, I don't think of using it on either. It is like it exists solely as a tool to release pressure, alone, when I can imagine how I want to be. I just wish I was born a girl entirely. It's so exhausting.

I know there is more to being a woman than what I described above. I am not sure I ascribe to be a woman. Female tho, yes, does that make sense? I don't even know what it is to be a woman. I'm still so afraid of this world. It's like the closer I get, the farther I pull away. The farther I pull away, the closer I need to get to it again.


I just needed to vent, my next therapist appt isn't for a week. It's been such a long week moving and being emotionally and financially connected to someone and then on top of that I am trying to tell myself to slow down. I need to process this, but it's so hard when I am constantly being questioned... Is that normal? It should be in my best interest right? Smh.

Hi Alice, welcome back to Susan's. A therapist will be so crucial in helping you sort through this. What your going through is completely normal. I know for me every time I pulled back from I needed to do it was just that much stronger the next time around. You need to move at whatever speed works for you. You may find some points move quickly and some that move slowly. Good luck and hugs
Mariah

There was a point in my treatment when I found the group where I made my progress. For a couple of weeks after that I was getting about 2 hours of sleep a night. My mind wouldn't stop reworking my life and considering every possible option. The only change I made in my life was the decision to continue with the group because my life was already pretty well ordered to face what was ahead. Just understand that you still have a couple of years ahead of you so don't try to rework everything in your life tomorrow. Most important, you want to make as few mistakes as possible because mistakes will slow you down.
Good luck and if I can help you, let me know as I am now linked to this thread.

Thank you both. So much.

Alice,

It must be a terribly exciting but a little awkward and uncomfortable  right now.

I am way earlier than either Mariah or Dena on this discovery and journey. However, I have felt a lot of questioning and what I call yo-yo ing. I think it is natural. Especially considering what you have just experienced(ending of your relationship). I imagine there is some guilt there. I feel guilt and shame over things that I know I have no control over but am coming to grips with that myself.

"I wonder if this is all a construct created by my mind in order to exit out of a relationship I don't want. Or so I have been wondering now that I've been questioned so much by a heartbroken woman - who lives with me now"

I know my mind is pretty convoluted and in a way devious to myself. However, this seems  like a pretty complex way of getting out of a relationship. Is it the first solution that you or most others would have considered? If you are out of the relationship, are all the desires to be female no longer applicable? From where your post continues, it seems that is not the case.

You seem to be transgender. You seem to be drawn to MTF from there. I think most people on this site will admit there are infinite paths and destinations from there. This is one of the other ways a therapist will help. Not just help you sort out your own anxiety, depression(fill in the blank); but to help you find clarity and decide for yourself where and how far to take your path.

I feel a little bit like a fraud when I post some of these things. I have been doing my own doubting of myself. However, I think everything I have mentioned is generally true, more observations than empirical "this is what is happening" and hopefully not telling you what to do.

It sometimes feels to me like the time between therapist visits stretches and when a week may get cancelled or shifted, it seems to pump up my own dysphoric symptoms and personal anxiety. Hang in there and I hope you will find a clarity and take your next steps confidently and smoothly.

With warm thoughts,
Joanna

Joanna!!!

It's not the first solution and I think it's the last thing anyone one, including me would have thought. Since I've opened up and tried to stop fighting this, I resent having to present as I do. It just feels so mind numbing having to dress for others every day.

I hate my wardrobe and want to explore this with freedom. I have to admit I can't stop thinking about being with men, while sexuality is unrelated to being mtf, I just want to be a girl with a man. It also doesn't feel like the rather resentful feelings towards intimacy that I have now and it's been haunting me for years.

I am reminded daily with her how easily I am put off in my current relationship. Its just so hard, as she's beautiful, but I have virtually lost all desire for intimacy and I have been haunted by that for some time and there are so many other extenuating issues. I feel primarily because I just am not meant to be a man and I can be so mean at times out of frustration. It's like I have to go through the process with her or else I get to feel guilty.

The other day... Co-workers of mine were talking about who was hot and how certain women should look to be date able or bang able and kept asking me what I wanted to bang... I was so put off and extremely uncomfortable because a) Wth. B) I felt like it was an attack on me. C) I kept feeling like it was triggering something inside me, but I couldn't place it. I came home and just felt so drained and miserable. I laid down unable to get up for several hours. I just didn't have the will. It was at this time I had finally decided to wear what I've been so afraid to for so long. Yet I still can't be happy with how I look, since it makes me feel fraudulent.

It's just getting harder and harder to get up in the morning and continue on in this way at least that's how I feel. I even had... While not directly suicidal thoughts, imagining being killed in self defense situations and feeling so numb, i had to remind myself to fight to live.

I intend to talk with my therapist about it. Bleeeeeeeeeeeh. I'm such a mess.

I know what you mean about the gaps in between therapy. There is so much time to try to fight back and talk ourselves out of it. It's just I keep questioning this and refuse to become "just a crossdresser." That was suggested to me and it just made me so angry. I want to present as a female and become a real woman or I don't want to do it at all!

Huh.... That last paragraph just popped out. Going to post now and think about what happened there.

You are trying to move to fast. You are still feeling the elation from finally making an important decision in your life and you are also unhappy for having waited so long. My guess is this feeling will last for between 2 weeks and a month so try not to burn out. Take it slow and easy and things will come. Just refining your image can take time. Look at me. In 35 years I am on my 3rd haircut and while I have to grow a bit more length, I can see it's the cut I have been trying to find for years. Things will come together but it takes time. You have years of mental clutter and you have just cleaned off a small part of it. There is more you have to deal with but if you give it time, you will clean it up. Once I found the right doctor, it took me a couple of years to clean up my mental mess. That is why we hurt so much before treatment. All the pain of a life time keeps accumulating but now is the time to start working on it. Do something to take your mind off it. Watch a movie, read a book, walk around the bock anything to get you away from these thoughts for a short while. If you can't do it, consider asking your therapist for a mild tranquilizer so you can shut down for a few hours.

Most important hang in there because it will get better pretty quickly.

Alice,
calm down a bit. I think you have a lot of preconceived ideas of what a woman should be and are holding yourself up in comparison to that "perfect" woman. Its not unusual to be scared at the beginning of a change such as the one you are embarking on. Its not like you can look into the future and see what you will look like, sound like and feel like. That uncertainty can be unnerving.

I seriously doubt you would change genders just to get out of a relationship. There are far easier ways of doing that, and you wouldn't consider it if you were not female. That is a little like trying to make yourself be attracted to the same gender as the one you identify with. It just doesn't work.

The hatred you feel at having the wrong equipment is normal. Many pre-op transgenders have a difficult time looking in the mirror. By the same token, using that part of your anatomy to relieve sexual tension is normal. Currently, its where your erotic nerves are, so it doesn't leave you much of a choice.

Transitioning takes time and patience. You need to let each step sink in before moving on to the next. Transitioning alone isn't going to solve all your problems, even  though it may feel like that now. Take some time at each stage to discuss how you feel with your therapist and find ways to deal with them as they come up. Trying to blast through as fast as you can will only leave you with unanswered questions and problems once everything is done.

Speaking from experience, I stopped therapy as soon as I started HRT. My therapist was not experience with transgenders, had never worked with one or I wouldn't have gotten away with it. The things I should have stayed and worked through I didn't and it caused a lot of problems for me later on. Take a deep breath. You will be fine.

sam1234

Thanks for your response. I appreciate everything. I think your right. I need to calm down. It's just hard, just started having feelings of panic and anxiety out of no where right now. It happens everytime I try to distract myself. As tho, my subconscious is trying to stop me from running again.

Listening to my music now. It helps. As does reading all of your responses.