Oh Cindy! I really wish we were next door neighbors or something! I know I've said it before but you're posts really help me out and cheer me up!

But now reading through this I really sound like a sad sack don't I? Maybe its just I'm letting my emotions finally do what they want. And they are just kind of sorting it all out. Got nine hours of work to go today then off tomorrow. But my morning has started out good. Got seven hours of sleep which has made all the difference in the world. And its really a small thing but I can fit into a large polo shirt now! So now I feel 100% better seeing that four years ago I was close to an XXL.

Hugs from Raven

Raven,

I can never pull a wig off, and due to military I cannot have long hair, at least for now. I have the most awkward situation on that part. Though since I'm only reserves, and in the middle of a transfer, I've grown my hair out for just about four months now, it's so fluffy and curly and all over the place. I would like to when I do actually start due process, then about shoulder length would be in order, and I would never in my life be able to go blonde, nor brunette really, I have naturally black hair with semi brown and reds scattered, Chinese blood is a curse for me.
I'm glad you were able to relax, dressing up and make up is always fun! Thougbh I can't do make up to save my life. Especially eye liner, if anything goes about an inch from my eyes I just about have an automatic flinch.

Let's all climb aboard the choo choo train to happiness
Kate♥

Hi Raven,

I can remember back 2.5 years ago and I was really fragile. Last night I was feeling very dysphoric and having a bad time. It is like I have a hangover today my head hurts and I was really feeling down then I thought in the past 2.5 years I accomplished a lot. I even have a plan with target dates going forward. I keep track of firsts and I have quite a lot.

I really admire your determination from going from a XXL to a large. That is a huge accomplishment. You know something else, you must be a really special person to have your entire crew worried about you and the manager inviting you to have pizza with him. You must be a really nice and caring person to have so many people worried about you.

Perhaps having a plan with mile stones and dates will be an aid to you. When you accomplish a milestone celebrate your success. It take a lot of courage to be ourselves and I know it is scary. Anything you do that is new and different and may cause discomfort. The trick is to adjust what you are doing to have mild discomfort. When you accomplish your milestone or objective and become comfortable then it is time to start another. In time you will accomplish so much you will not believe your successes. 

Kate, well I'm stuck with a wig right now. The only thing that prevents me from having long hair is my stupid genes. So on that end I'm jealous that at least can have some hair. I guess one positive its not hair to hide my hair under a wig. Shoulder length is what I'm most comfortable with as well. I can't go blond either it doesn't really look right for me. Gotta stay red or brunette.

Cynthia, Oh I really like your idea's on milestones so very much! I'm going to start plotting those done later on tonight or tomorrow. I guess one that I've already one even if its small. Was to go through and make a new email, Facebook, and just clean out all my favorites list. It was kind of refreshing like saying goodbye for good. And I did not have one ping of regret. Another thing I'm going to do tomorrow is sell off most of my video games, metal music and horror movies. I really only bought them to keep up with my friends. And well the items don't matter to me anymore. More money for clothes and makeup at least!

As for losing weight its had its ups and downs. Six months ago I pretty much gave up and just started eating junk food all the time. But got sick of feeling run down and kept catching colds right and left. So I just finally started eating better a little at a time. I've also managed to give up drinking and soda's.

As for having everyone worried about me. Well its odd for me since I've always been kind of an a hole. And have gotten that told in my face a few times. And unfortunately Miss Raven kind of had another bad day today. Since I ended up having another manager pat me on the back and ask me why I was looking so down. And he asked me if there was anything they could do for me. I wasn't really comfortable saying anything so I just told him I'm trying to work through it. He gave me another pat on the back and just said if I ever needed to talk. The only good thing was I worked by myself all day so I never really got close to having a panic attack. I did get a wave of nausea and just ran to the bathroom and worked it out. And after that another one of my coworkers was pretty much begging me to tell him what was wrong. I really really came close to telling him but couldn't bring myself in the end.

Well that's it for this sad Raven for tonight. 

  I found  wearing an ankle bracelet comforting. 

At this time my hair is at its longest at probably about 3 inches in length, in the last 8 years. Which quite honestly probably won't last long at all. Maybe you could go wig shopping with a friend, or someone close to you if that is all possible.
I'm sorry if that might not be an option Raven.

I know when my brother was diagnosed with cancer in his lymph nodes, well it resurfaced after a year anyways, and the hospital kept rescheduling his appointments again and again, everyone was pissed at that. Then the icing was finally when the surgery was supposed to happen, it was pushed back for a week. Those few weeks were a nightmare for me. It was about a few weeks when my dysphoria came to my attention and put my brain on overdrive. I was an emotional wreck. I was surprised I was able to work some days. Other days when it rained, it poured. Literally inside my head was a thunder storm of thoughts and crazy, I almost broke down several times at work. Luckily my boss seen that something was wrong that day from the first minute that I stepped in, so I worked far away from anyone, especially working retail, so I holed myself away working in the way back warehouse just about going crazy, listening to music, just about bawling my eyes out.

I'm so sorry that you had a bad day again. I hope all gets better. And yes, I do worry, I worry about you, I worry for myself, I worry for everyone. It doesn't solve anything, but naturally I care, and want to help in any which way I can. I wish you the best.

Let's all climb aboard the choo choo train to happiness
Kate♥

Not a bad idea! Stevie thank you hugs

Katie, Sadly right now I don't have many good friends just my coworkers and they are all male. I really wish my sister was out here and we'd shop together. Oh well I'm just going to have to make new friends aren't I?

I can really understand you and your pain with your brother. Since I kind of went through the same thing with in my father. I guess like you my bosses are kind of leaving me to do my own stuff right now which is fine with me.

Aww Katie I worry about you as well and everyone else. I have to admit one thing that kept me going today was looking forward to looking on my favorite forum!

But scratch the sad Raven part. I made a huge huge step. I ended up going to a 24 hour Wal-Mart sure I was in icky guy mode. But I made a beeline to the women's section and bought a nice hat and a smallish green purse. Then got a nice smelling herb candle. And after that went right to cosmetics bought a nice hair brush, eye liner and mascara with people around me! Then I saw that to my horror the self checkouts were closed! Oh no! Whatever shall I do? I thought for a second about running out the door like a scared cat. But I told myself no. And went right up to the cash register and chatted up the clerk. And didn't even worry about anything.

I swear once I got into my car a little out the highest pitch squeal of delight and had a smile on my face on the drive back home.