So generally I am very happy with my life and how things have changed for the better in the last 4 months or so.

This is the year I was supposed to legally change my name and gender ... supposed to ... ain't going to happen 

Since the middle of may my wide and I have suffered the following financial setbacks:

New tires for her car - $200
I need dental work - $600
My son's dental work - $1400
My wife's CPAP stopped - $ .??  Don't know yet

So of the zero dollars we have managed to save for the $500 + it will take to change my name and gender on all my documentation probably $2500 has gone to other issues.

I'm just screwed.  I will NEVER legally be Tiffanie 

Sorry to hear that, Tiffanie. I'm sure you will get there eventually but I understand why it does feel way too far away. Hugs.

Never is a very long time...your troubles today will be resolved before then, and soon after you will be (legally) Tiffanie.

*hugs*

So sorry to hear that. I agree never is a long time. I would say never it just may not be when you originally planned. Hang in there. It will happen before you know it. Hugs
Mariah

Hi Tiffie, hang on in there... it will get better...

I'm in a similar position, for last year no income stream, so having to reset my whole transition...

It is very disappointing but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel

L Katy   

I really, really appreciate all of your support.  Somewhere in me I know you are right ... I just don't feel it right now 

I am wanting to focus on what is going good, and that was working until a few hours ago when I looked at what my insurance covers on CPAP machines.  I can't afford another expense ... I can't afford to risk my wife's health ... and my CPAP is just as old and will likely need replacing soon.

I just want to be me ... really me.  I didn't realize what a gap in my psyche that was until all this crap started happening.

I will be better tomorrow ... just very down right now.

And today is a little better ... still down and feel a little overwhelmed.  I just have to accept that this is not meant to be the time for me to really become me.

So I talked to Pam, told her that it is disheartening that things never seem to go well, especially when it comed to my name / gender change.

I got the  "We have out health and we can always ..."

->-bleeped-<- that ->-bleeped-<-.  It is just another way of saying that it is on the bottom of the priority list and won't even be considered for a long time.

I've been eating out of control ... this is one of my self destructive mechanisms.  I'm addicted to food and turn to it when I set stressed or am feeling depressed.

My other mechanism is self injury.  If I can stay away from blades right now I may not wind up with more scars. 

So stupid to be so depressed over this issue, but I do not and will not feel real until I can get my real name.

I'm so edgy that a xanax and my ambien arenn't even making me drowsy.

One freaking issue is going to undo all the positive that has happened lately.

I'm going to bed and listen to depressing music.

That issue will only undo all the good stuff in your life if you let it - instead just scrunch it up and throw it in the bin. I am not meaning to sound like I don't care - I do and I don't want you to hurt yourself especially not over something that will favourably resolve itself in time. You will get there, yes the goal posts have moved further away but you will get to them... the trick is to not let the extra time and the extra effort get to you or get you down. See if there is a way you can twiddle with settings you have for your feelings about this, turn it down from 11 to something manageable like 3 or 4...

Take care.

Dear Tiffanie,

Another big hug from Australia.

I know so well from my journey that despair and the impossibility of moving forward hung over me like a rock.

Instead of food and blades, I would reach for the whiskey bottle. It seemed to help when oblivion rolled in. But it didn't. It didn't change my situation, it did not help my situation, the only thing it did was more depression and a hangover.

Somehow I didn't give in. My family here dragged me by the ears into sobriety and forced me to face my life. I know it isn't easy for you at the moment. I know it all seems impossible. I know you feel no one cares and no one will help.

But you are wrong. We, your family, care. I also know that moving forward seems to be impossible. But is is possible, you see it here everyday.

You can move forward honey. You don't have to hurt yourself. You can overcome this.

Keep fighting, not cutting is a victory. Not binge eating is a victory. Big victories that you can be proud of.

Keep fighting. You are a lovely person and a lovely woman and one day you will win and the world will be a better place.

Hugs Hon.

Cindy

Hi Tiffie,

big cuddly hugs to you, I know how lots of things all become blown out of proportion when we are down...

what ever all the problems are they are not worth loosing it over, I am still working out how I can tell my wife and family who I really am, its scaring the crap out of me, then how am I going to get the Electro and all the other things in place so I can go FT one day soon, was planning for this year, but no job, no luck getting interviews and age is against me on all counts.

But do you know what, I've been here before... It can be managed, its just a temporary situation.... Things get better, they always do... I won't even go near what's gone wrong and drained all my savings this last year... but I can recover from it, so I go FT sometime next year.

Sorry this is not about me, but really to show that we all hit walls and we just move the goal line a bit to allow us time to surmount the obstacle or 's...

Just focus on happy things, you plan and work out what you need to do for the next step and the next.... Hurting or moving into dark spaces never helps, when I am down... err very often now, I listen to good happy music, I stay away from any music that is not happy and listen to stuff makes me want to sing (not very well) and dance... trust me it really helps.

We all deeply care for you and are here to lift you... yeah I'm Aussie too  we are a big family and as such we all share and try and make the anguish disappear.

hugs and kisses to you

L Katy

sorry for your pain, but there's a lot of life out there.

Thanks you again

I won't re-rant over my woes, but today I find out that my son needs to have more dental work than first expected.  Just more negative cash flow.

The only way people will see Tiffanie identifying me is on my headstone ... but I won't kill myself because we can't afford to bury me and buy a headstone.

I just want to get back to where I was mentally about a month ago when I thought things were finally going good. 

I apologize - I should never have started this thread.  Wish I could delete it.

I should never have come back until things were going well and I could be a positive influence ... I thought maybe they were, but I am so wrong.

Tomorrow is just another day.  I get to take care of an accident report ... write up one driver ... put 2 drivers on administrative leave to be terminated ... play nice for the corporate bigwigs who seem to hang around the bus yard a lot and still complete 6 to 8 hours of other required work that I do every day.

I am no worse off than anyone else ... I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  SOmeday I may have the money to become me legally.

As a side note, I can still disassemble a razor cartridge in under 10 seconds and have the blades ready to use if they continure to call me.

Don't worry if you don't see me for a bit.  I'll come back when things are better ... maybe.