I need to tell my parents. At least mom. I don't think I'll be able to survive college unless i present as a boy. The most feasible solution i have at hand is somehow dragging myself through college presenting as a girl like i did at school, and then find a way to go abroad and start my life anew. But i can't even get myself to think what it'd be like to make it through college as a girl.

Things were different at school. The uniform was a dress, but i had got used to it. And being a girls only school i had no competition for masculinity. I couldn't hide my male traits, so there was some aura of masculinity i carried around. Outside school i wore almost only male clothing. And did my best to skip events that required female clothing other than the uniform. Even now when i have to go to school (i finished school last year fyi), they've made it compulsory that old students must wear skirts, so i go in uniform. Anyway, i somehow survived school. Broken or not i made through it.

College is going to be different. The biggest issue is clothing. Clothing is quite a sensitive spot to me. I could bear not getting male organs ever in my life, but i can't bear to force myself into female clothes. And shoes. The thing is it's compulsory at college that students dress professionally. Boys in pants and long sleeved shirts tucked in and shoes (those formal black kind. Called dress shoes right? ) girls in decent looking skirt and blouse. That's the dress code. You go against it, get called off by professors, make bad impressions on them, make your life at college a hell. I will have to choose one out of the two extremities. Even if i somehow coax the professors with some decent looking unisex clothes, then there are many events at college i won't be able to skip forever. Those events require boys to add a tie, and girls to wear a saree. There's no intermediate in that.

Say i swallowed it up and somehow managed the clothes. Then again there are hoards of other problems. Being viewed and treated as a girl by friends. There will be too much competition to get viewed as masculine. Living in a girls hostel. Being categorised as a girl when they categorize. People expecting me to start a relationship. There are probably many more issues I've been fretting over, but can't recall right now.

So that brings me to, deciding that i should start presenting as a boy at college. It'll be a difficult process, coming out to all my batchmates i already know, and explaining to the authorities. But i might be able to get those stuff fixed if i met a therapist before starting college. To do that i have to travel to the capital. To travel and to gather clothes and stuff to present as a guy i need to tell my parents. I could meet a therapist by myself once college starts and i live in the capital, but I'll have to come home on weekends. Unless i act out a huge drama in front of parents i won't be able to conceal it.

So that again brings me to the requirement that i should tell my parents, at least mom. Soon. But i find myself procrastinating. Ever since school was over, I've been postponing the confrontation, after the elections, after bro's surgery, after the new year celebrations, after the trial for driving license, after cousin's wedding, after the musical show this weekend, after parents wedding anniversary etc etc. I find an unending flow of important events that might be disrupted if i come out. So i keep postponing.

It's more like I'm not strong enough to face it. I went through two coming out sessions with two of my most trusted friends. But it was different. They were very open minded people. One didn't know what transgender was, so she kindly googled it and understood. And accepted me. The other had a vague idea, and it was easy to make him understand the concept. With mom it's gonna be different. I know she has no idea about the whole concept, and she doesn't use internet. I'll have to explain everything to her face. To my friends i actually came out while texting. That was easier. Also explaining the concept is harder in my native tongue. Sounds weird and alien. And carries the air of rejection our society has towards lgbt community. I don't speak english with mom. Then again we're not very close emotionally. That's worse when it comes to dad. It's been long since i shut them out of my emotional department.

I'm afraid of her reaction. I just can't bring myself to tell her. I'm afraid that she won't be able to bear it. Or understand it. But if I am to go with the plan i should tell her. At least before we go shopping for college. But i keep avoiding the confrontation. No letters are not an option. I dread them more than seeing her live reactions. I can't bear to not know her immediate reaction, and not be there to correct her or explain stuff further if she doesn't get it right. I need to stop this game and make myself say it. But i don't feel strong enough. I keep procrastinating. The deadline is closing in fast. In a month or two they're gonna call us for registrations. And then college will start probably within this year. And i should tell her. Or go with one of my other plans- concealing it all from them, sucking it up and living as a girl, or tell them after i start presenting as a boy which will be no different from the current plan, only with a deadline further away.

I can relate man. I pushed through an all girls' high school, and when I went to college, I was going to go all in, present as male, start T, etc. While coming out to my immediate family wasn't a big issue for me (I knew they'd be ok), I did procrastinate coming out to my extended family. I didn't want to tell my grandmother because I know she's a very conservative person, but also she is giving me a ton of money for college. My college is expensive and I would not be able to continue if I lost her funding, so it was very important that she react well. I got incredibly stressed about it and eventually I decided to just not tell her. Of course, things don't really work out when you do that. We have family vacations every year and she and my mom talked and purposefully scheduled the vacation around my school schedule- it was originally planned for while I was at school and couldn't leave. So I couldn't just NOT go on the vacation. But I also couldn't not tell her, because I've been on hormones for a while now. So I was basically forced into coming out because I procrastinated so long.

I don't really have a point to this, just that I definitely feel you man. I procrastinated coming out for so long, and the only reason I finally did was because I was backed into a corner. I came out to her I think two days before we left to meet her in the mountains. All of that procrastination was the fear of coming out, but also me trying to decide if I could deal with a weekend of misgendering after being myself for so long. I realised the answer was no, I wouldn't subject myself to that.

Know what's gonna happen to me? I'll probably keep procrastinating until the day comes when mom's gonna drag me out to shop for skirts and blouses for college. Then I'll break down and tell her it all. Or not.

I know i shouldn't but i even have hopes that i might die before college. This is such a mess.

Can I ask which country you're in, YBtheOutlaw? I'm curious what cultural assumptions you'll have going for and against you, but can't even make a guess from the information given.

As the English idiom goes, you're in a bit of a pickle. But what are you going to do, deadman's float in the brine until you die of thirst? The least-bad option for pulling yourself over the edge of the jar is still within your reach: If you tell your mom before the last minute, you can make it at a time and place of your choosing, and have references on hand to refute the most common wrong assumptions. Go for it while you can.

I'm from sri lanka jszar, a great place to live unless you plan to fight against social norms. A country where even being gay is illegal by the constitution. There's one single prominent support group, which i secretly contacted few years ago, and they promised me they'd make me an appointment with a good therapist when I'm ready.

It's a bit hard to explain the social consequences of coming out cos I've never heard of one in this country. But they make sure you feel like a freak with stares and comments when anatomical girls appear boyish and vice versa. Also they're only aware of the existence of gay and lesbian people, and think all us weirdos are versions of that. Then again the society is extremely antigay. They think we can be corrected through mental therapy. And when they assume you're gay or lesbian you'll be isolated and looked down upon in disgust.

This is only true for the general population though. There are many good people out there with no such complains.