Tomorrow at 1PM I'll have my first appointment with a therapist. I've been thinking positive about it, but now I'm getting really nervous just thinking about it. He seems like he is really nice and put on his profile that he's a proud member of the LGBT community. So I really shouldn't be that worried but I am. The worst case scenario's keep running through my head right now. That he's going to say I'm not really who I think I am. Or that I'm just doing this for the attention. Also I'm afraid he'll make it long and drawn out before I can get the referral for HRT and a note saying that I do have GID. I know tomorrows not going to be "Oh yes Raven you are a women here's a note for HRT." I'm not hoping for that at all. But at least it would be nice if I could start sometime this year hopefully before my birthday in October. Also I really would like HRT as soon as possible to stop the "aggressive guy" from trying to come out.

And another part of me is just finding it boring to go through with it. Since I already accept who I am now and much happier. I know there's no juicy secret buried in me why I am who I am. And fully accept that its biological and that I can't really fix it. And most likely if my parents never home schooled me I would've found out much sooner. I mean that kind of makes me sad but I can't do anything about it now. And over the past few weeks my mood might have gotten really low. But I'm not angry at the world or hostile towards everyone like I was a few months back. Also I feel like I have a a lot more energy now. For months I've just been playing video games after work and on my days off and not doing anything else. Also after my appointment tomorrow I am planning to go full time apart from work.

Maybe the best thing for me to do is just to write everything out? I'm really bad about talking over myself so maybe that will help me. So I won't go in talking a million miles a minute.

Thanks for reading Raven

RavenL,

I went for my first therapist visits in my life last January. It was nerve wracking for me as well. I had a hard time getting the right number, (the first therapist was through a staff support system) then had to wait till after the week end. I felt like shrinking into nothing. However, I was not where you are. I went to see what could be done to cure me of cross dressing or finding a way to cope, without my wife or anyone else finding out. So, it was a pretty humiliating start.

The experience was not easy. I do not like to talk about myself. You can see from my posts, my new self is better at that (maybe too good). However, I was very happy I had done it. After a referral to a long term therapist, it has helped me greatly.

As I said, I did not really know where I was in any of the trans spectrum. I did start to journal. I also found a series of essay style questions that help really nail down who I am. I almost think some of those  could be used by the therapist in writing a letter and coming to approval of me as a MTF transgender person. The journal and questions things were not demanded of me by my therapist but she found them very helpful in the progress.

I could be wrong, but I don't think many therapists will sit and demand you prove yourself to them. They really are there for a number of reasons:
1) Help guide you through your own self discovery(you have done much of that already).

2) Make sure you don't head off down a path that is either self destructive or doesn't make sense as to where you are trying to arrive

3) To transition you will need some letters. I don't think they see themselves as gate keepers with a firm look waiting for you to press the right buttons.

I think they just want to see the real you. How you perceive yourself and if anything is hiding. I imagine you have little to worry about. I hope it is a lovely experience. It was difficult for me to originally say, "I have had a problem with cross dressing", out loud. Every time I spoke (and the sentence has changed) it becomes easier and tension seems to leave more of my life. It still comes back but I found these visits really help.

Others have mentioned before that sometimes you just don't click with this therapist. Unless you are in a small remote area, there are others to choose from(in that case, you might have to find creative solutions-they exist)/

Take a breath and give it a chance. If he makes you uncomfortable try to figure out if it is him or the subject. If it doesn't work, move on to another.

Wow, I try not to give overt advice. I try to suggest and give options. At the same time I think this is good advice. If it does not feel that way to you, please ignore it.

I hope you can get some sleep and go into this without too much anxiety or dread.

With loving thoughts,

Joanna

Hi Raven, writing things down would be a good idea in case the jitters get in the way of telling the therapist what you need to. Having said that these jitters are perfectly normal. Anytime we go into an unknown situation like that it is nerve racking.  I was anxious as can be coming into my first session, but after we got going I was completely settled down and relaxed. I know it's a big step and some part of it may seem boring, but once you get going you will see the benefits. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

My first visit was mostly answering questions. Nothing threatening or judgmental at all though. I too sought out a therapist with experience in trans issues. Now about 10 visits in and he has never questioned my status, motives or potential. he has been very helpful with dealing with my self-consciousness and helping me see what being a transwoman would mean for me. lat week we even talked about places that would be more friendly for me in this.(Lubbock tx really isn't obviously)
But I really think you will come away feeling very good about the visit.

back in 1999 I saw a therapist for 2-3 sessions and she spent the whole type trying to pin all my depression, dyisphoria and other problems on my parents and other weird things, so I was expecting much the same when I started seeing a new one 8 months or so ago, instead I found someone who I could open up with, make a joke about geeky things with and who never judges me, doubts me, or tries to change me except for when he is trying to help me through my depression and encouraging me to be more positive about life. over all it was the best decision I made all year.

--Serena

Joanna, Thank you so much for that post. It helped to calm me down, I was becoming such a nervous wreck that I almost didn't go to work today. But you really helped me out so thanks!

Mariah thank you! Just a few minutes ago I wrote everything down that I want to tell him. And it really helped me out since I won't be talking over myself or just talking to fast.

Marly thank you as well! I'm feeling a lot better now.

Serena that makes me feel better. I'm sure he won't but if he tries to pin any of this on my parents I'm out the door. Yes I'll admit my father wasn't the nicest but he didn't get me to where I'm at.

Well less then twelve hours to go. I'll give an update once I get home hopefully it will be good.

Thank you everyone one once again, Raven

Hi raven

OK calm down. Good therapy is wonderful.
Be honest.
Most trans* people carry PTSD of some kind. It hurts us.
A good therapist helps us find our path and how to walk it. Help them help you.

A good therapist is only after trying to protect you from harm. But they need to explore to do that. Relax and help yourself.

As an aside, I had a coffee with my therapist years after I had transitioned. It was a social occasion.

I asked him when he knew I was trans*. His reply? As soon as you walked into my office. "How" I asked?

Why else would you have come to see me?

'Why did you give me such a hard time?'

I didn't. You did.

And to be honest, looking back, that is the truth.

Quote from: Cindy on June 11, 2015, 03:45:12 AM
'Why did you give me such a hard time?'

I didn't. You did.

And to be honest, looking back, that is the truth.

I can relate to this. I've managed to make life difficult for myself along the way. I don't think there's much you can do about it except just work though it until you get to a better place, then look back and wonder what on earth you were doing.

Thank you Cindy and AnnonyMs!

Well still have major jitters right now only managed to sleep for five hours uh. But at least it will be out of the way soon. Just keep telling myself that I'll be feeling 100% better in a few hours.

Well I got everything I could hope to plus more.

He was super nice and I felt relaxed the second I stepped into his office. He just asked me a few questions and mostly let me do the talking. He asked if I was happy with who I was. And I just told him yes inside my brain I'm happy.  And don't have a problem since its mostly biological causes. Its just the outside part of me that is not clicking and causing the dyshoria for me. Pretty much told him everything I put on my first post. I really think I surprised him with the amount of knowledge I've been able to soak up in a few weeks. 

Also he asked me if I was sure I was prepared for the negatives that come from being a woman. I just replied I know there's pro's and con's. Like sexist comments, cat calling, etc. And that I'm prepared for that and have accepted it.

And he asked me why I even felt the need to come to him. Since I seem like I'm very well adjusted towards being female and he does not hear any infighting in my voice. And that I'm really far along compared to other trans clients he see's . I first told him well I wanted to actually have an opinion from someone with credentials first and for most. That yes I am female brained. And I also told him the other big thing is the note of recommendation for HRT. And told him I didn't want to come across as putting pressure on him during the first visit. He told me no problem at all and said right now he would not have a problem giving me a note saying I am female. He just wants me to keep living as one for the next couple of months. I could tell he was worried I was mad and I told him that's not a problem. Since I was hoping to start my transition during the winter anyway. And he said as long as I keep going where I'm at right now I'll be good.

He also told me that I should really consider going to college and studying psychology since I seem to be pretty good at it   And asked me if I was comfortable enough dressing as the real me next week told him no problem.

So right now I'm super happy!

Great to hear that!
Therapists can be a great, unbiased, supporter.

He really helped me out. Enough to were in the next ten minutes I'm saying so long to the old me. And going female full time apart from work which I've already said. Just have to go buy from extra clothes tonight.