Here are some of mine

"Why do you need those things on your ears?"

my reply "what do you think happens if i remove your brain? doubt it would do anything though you don't seem to have one"


"are you a boy or girl"

me: "that depends, are you a ***hole or a idiot?"

Contractor: "So you totally pulled a Bruce Jenner?"
Me: "No, she pulled a Jill F."

Wife's drunken idiot of a law partner: "So, you, umm, didn't have those last time I saw you.  Are those fake?"
Me (with plenty of witnesses laughing hyserically): "Yes, they are... just like you.  F***. Off."
(She royally apologized the next day.  I did not.)

Jill.....
I love blunt....  whats in yur coffee

A complete stranger saw me on street. He turned around just to say

- Mother ->-bleeped-<-er!

I have a wit for it, just don't feel like responding anymore. I walked away like nothing happened. Must be I am getting old.

- Sorry, not adopting. (implying he's just a kid looking to score someone for his mum)

With apologies to Steve Martin - Theodoric of York Medieval Barber

What causes this?

Me - You know, medicine is not an exact science, but we are learning all the time. Why, just fifty years ago, they thought this was caused by demonic possession or witchcraft. But nowadays we know that I'm suffering from an imbalance of bodily humors, perhaps caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in my stomach.