This is a story im sure has come up hundreds of times but support is still appreciated. I'm new here, so - Hello! I first became aware that I was Trans when I was about 9. Despite feeling 'displaced' I didn't have a word for how I felt until I was about 14 and my mother placed me in therapy to deal with my increased anxiety and depression.

So, I kept my gender dysphoria secret for years, bringing it up in hushed whispers with only the closest of friends. Two weeks ago, I came out to everyone, parents included because I just can't fake it anymore. Not to mention I can't afford to keep buying clothes that I identify with only to throw them away weeks later. Modcloth is expensive. 

So, I made an appointment to see a therapist and endocrinologist at a Trans-friendly medical center for  next week. Providing my blood work comes out alright, which - being a chubbier person, I am having anxiety about. I'll start HRT early in July. With that potentiality looming overhead, I'm finding I'm becoming more and more scared. I just signed a lease on a new apartment. I just got into a job I can stand with insurance that ACTUALLY helps me. I'm terrified that this change will do more harm than good leaving me homeless, jobless, hated, and alone. Im afraid of not "passing", I'm afraid of not even finding solace in the LGB(t)Q community that claims to support Trans people.

The weirdest thing is, I already feel alone and I don't know if I could NOT go through with it.

So, I'm  kind of at a very scary, uncomfortable crossroads. My identity has already cost me a fiance and friends. My family sees it as a phase ("Remember when you were really into that "Goth" thing too?"). I'm so optimistic and pessimistic at the same time.

Are these normal fears? Anyone else deal with similar issues?Any help/advice would be great.

Thanks!

 I would say those are very normal concerns,

It's difficult to do, I know; but you should focus on what is going to make you happier in the long run. In time your family and friends should begin to understand your position, and if they don't then maybe they aren't real friends or family after all? There may be people who won't ever agree with it, but there will always be people out there who will support you. Times are definitely changing, with all this transgender news in the media. So don't be so worried, this appointment is going to be an amazing turning point in your life and you should be happy! Don't let people take that from you <3

Hi, welcome to Susan's Place! Here's some helpful topics to get you started. Note that we are an inclusive LGBT site and we don't allow the advocating of seperating any group from the transgender umbrella. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

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I guess you're right. I'm very excited. More than anything, the fear of being jobless, homeless, and unable to support myself scares me more than anything. I've read so many horror stories. Granted,  I live in Chicago which is pretty good with their Queen community and my company is rated on the HRC boards.

I guess the unknown is what scares me haha. "What if I don't want to work here forever? (I don't)" etc.

Thanks for the encouragement. It's definitely needed.

I think Kitty answered very well.

The only thing I would add is that it is easy to feel lonely. Is there someone you can talk to that you trust? Sometimes face to face (or face looking down at a shoe by a friend's shoe) is a way to overcome that. 

However, if you can only look here, you are still not alone. There are so many people here that seem to care. Many will have a similar experience to you. We can all empathize.

I am hoping to get to HRT soon. Little worried about some changes but so looking forward to see if my brain will feel more clear than it has all my life.

I wish you luck, and a smooth journey.

With loving thoughts,

Joanna

Yea, I do have some friends that I've gone to. While they've all been remarkably supportive, it's hard because none of them have gone through what I'm going through.

For example, Chicago's Pride parade is coming up and I informed them that I'd be going with them (as I do every year). This year, however, since I'm now "out", I thought it would be a "safe" event for me to present as female in public for the first time. Everyone has been super supportive and has voiced how happy they are for me, but no one knows how petrifying that is for me.

My friends are snotty, grungy punk rock types and that's how I've presented for most of my life. Trying to explain how excited/scared it makes me to venture out in a sun dress and a bobb doesn't register with them.

Thats why I turned here. It seems as though everyone is super sweet and supportive. I'm glad I found this community.

Thanks for the encouragement.

- Siobhan

Welcome aboard ATG,

You are really at an understandably challenging point in life with several of the well known stressors to wrestle with.  A new home, job, coming out, and HRT!! Oh my you are in deep

If there is anything normal or typical about our transitions it is the fears of loss and rejection that we have, too often, magnified in isolation.  My fears were 180 degrees from the love and support i found.

I bet you will have a blast at Pride.  Chicago is a sophisticated place and you will likely be just one of the crowd.  You may have heard the expression, "fake it till you make it'??  Well some of us do put on that confident smile until it fits and I bet you are also going to love being on HRT.  May I respectfully suggest you dress comfortably for you and avoid going over the top as we can sometimes be conflated with drag or kink presentations.  The LGBTQ world can be hugely supportive but we can also do the circular firing squad and be pretty hard on each other.  Still, you own it and deserve the freedom to be yourself.  Have fun!

Also - does anyone know why someone would be denied hormones? That's another fear of mine, coming to terms and getting ready to make some changes and being barred.

All my life, I've taken solace in food for my anxiety. It was my coping mechanism and I put on some weight because of it. As of late, I've changed my diet and started exercising routinely. Despite that, I found a few posts scattered about the internet about people being denied hormones because they were "too fat" which doesn't make sense to me.

The last doctor appointment I had, everything checked out fine. Cholesterol, blood pressure (a little high due to my uneasiness with doctors offices), blood sugar - all normal.  I DO have a thyroid problem, but it's medicated.

Am I just being paranoid? See - here I am. Panicking and adding things to the list of things to be afraid of.

Ugh. This appointment just needs to GET HERE.

I thought I would be fired when I came out or shortly after and 3 months after coming out I got a promotion. That was 21 months ago.

HRT is a big step and one that needs to be made with a lot of thought. It sounds like you are right on track.

After 12 weeks you will know if HRT is right for you.

Good luck.

as im on the verge of coming out, i know all about the terror. have you made some friends in the LGBT community up there? i got lucky have have a F2M that works with me and, though different direction and procedures, he totally gets where im coming from. i wish the best of luck to you ATG and look forward to updates on how things are going for you.

ATG
I started HRT with a low dose 12 days ago to ease into it. It helped my depression immediately. So there are options. You can ease into it or go all out. I am 53 and wait to long to get here. I like a lot of us had the same concerns you are having.

I also used food and alcohol to deal with my depression and gained weigh and still received HRT. If the doctor does not give it to you I am sure they will tell you what is needed to get it but you will feel better after meeting with the doctor.

Please don't wait as long as me to get started. Actually you have started by coming out a lot sooner than me. Good luck!
Melanie


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Quote from: AskTheGuide42 on June 10, 2015, 10:51:36 AM
I'm terrified that this change will do more harm than good leaving me homeless, jobless, hated, and alone. Im afraid of not "passing", I'm afraid of not even finding solace in the LGB(t)Q community that claims to support Trans people.

The weirdest thing is, I already feel alone and I don't know if I could NOT go through with it.

Totally normal.

I mean there's potential to become homeless, jobless, friendless, loveless, stuck horribly in the middle somewhere and living under a bridge having to turn tricks to make enough money to survive. On the other side there's this drive that pushes one forward but into a totally undiscovered territory. Who wouldn't be afraid of this essential conflict?

Still, in the end, there's people that have gone down this path before you and ended up in a good place. It may well not be all beer and skittles, but the worst case scenario isn't that likely.

Optimize your life as best you can, get the timing right, have a good hard weighing up of the pluses and minuses, and then come to a decision.

Welcome to Susan's Place. Hormones might be delayed until the doctors are comfortable that you are ready for them. Hormones aren't the solution to all your problems and can even cause a few. Hormones are an important part of transitioning and you should receive them when everybody agrees you are ready for them. The important thing is to be honest with your doctor because I have seen one case where a lie was detected and it greatly slowed down the transition process.

Fear of everything is pretty common starting out and I had my share of it. I came to the conclusion I would rather work as a scrub woman than be a male in a better occupation. In the end, I ended up as a woman computer programmer so I had the best of both worlds. I had to move to Los Angles with no apartment, no job and only an Aunt and Uncle near by. The Aunt didn't really accept me but the Uncle is a great guy. It took a fair amount of hard work but I turned out fine and I suspect you will as well.