First off, hello everyone!

I stumbled across your website yesterday and read through a great many threads and I would like to think they have helped.  In any case, I appreciate the fact that all of you are here and this wonderful place is here for everyone that needs it.

Now for a little background on my partner and myself.  We dated for a bit about 15 years ago when we were in high school, and despite going our separate ways back then, I have been in love with her every day since then.  She came back into my life about 4 years ago after having moved back to the area with her six month old son.  We hung out a bit, and by the time he turned 1, we had started to date again.  I have been the little ones "Dad" since around that point, and I couldn't be happier.  We hit a rough patch for a few months about two years ago, but we worked through it and routinely spend time planning for things in the future.  Sometimes it's longterm things, like our wedding and how awesome we'll both look clad in Steampunk gear.  Other times it's something simple like what do to with the little one in a few days or when we want to go camping.

About a week ago, I felt something was off. I'd ask her a few times if anything was wrong, and she would just say no.  Well Wednesday night I pressed it, and I know I shouldn't have.  She went to bed, and I just felt something was off, so I pushed and she revealed some of the things she'd been feeling.  And that perhaps transitioning was in the cards, but she hadn't wanted to bring it up until she went to her first therapy session next Friday.   I should have left it at that, but I still felt something was off.

What I did next I am not proud of, and please understand I have never done anything like this before, nor will I ever again.  I haven't slept well the past few nights because of this, and I've thrown up quite a bit.  I opened up her Facebook and snooped.  There I found out that she was already in the process of transitioning, and that she had shared it with quite a few friends, some of them mutual.  She'd also started a blog to document her transition, and was looking into daycare for the little one (I'm a stay at home father).  I'm not happy to say that I sort of lost it at this point.  Partly because I felt that she had lied to me, partly because I'm so insanely scared for what she is going to be going through and what our son might have to endure.

I stormed back into the bedroom and I'm fairly certain I yelled before slamming the door.  I also drank that night (To preface, I don't drink: at all) to try and keep my words in my mouth and the tears out of my eyes.   I hate how I reacted.  I hate that I had all these questions about me, but I never asked how she was holding up.  I so hate that I snooped, and I know I should have let her tell me in her own time.

Please don't misunderstand, I fully support her (I'm still using her, since I haven't been told otherwise, and I want to move on her timetable of course).  We're both bisexual, and I would hope that even after her transition, we could still be together. I love her and the little one with my entire being, and I will love him just as much after it all, because no matter how you try and paint the picture, the person I fell in love with is still the same person on the inside.  If transitioning means being happier with who they are, how could I not support that?

But I know the way I went about it probably messed things up.  I'm shaking just thinking about her coming home and telling me she doesn't love me anymore. I betrayed her something fierce, and I'm at such a loss for what to do.  I've apologized, but I know that could never be enough.  She told me she wasn't sure how to confront this, which is why she wanted to wait until after therapy, and that I should have trusted her to wait. She says now that I forced her to confront it, she doesn't know where to go from here.  If I could go back and wait, I would.  If I could go back to Wednesday night and say all the right things, I would without a second thought.

I can't stand the thought of losing them, and I am fully willing to help her fight any battle as she transitions if that's the route she does wind up going down.  I don't care if I have to fight tooth and nail with the rest of the country just so we can eventually get married in our state.  I want to grow old with her/him.  I want to wake up every morning knowing that no matter what, they are there and that means that everything in life no matter the struggle, is worth it.

I don't even know what sort of response I'm looking for, but I don't know where else to turn until she's willing to talk further, and I just hope that we get the chance to work on things.

Thank you for listening,
Terrified Fiance

Hi Terrified Fiance, welcome to Susan's. I'm glad you still love your Fiance and wish you and your fiance the best of luck. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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Thank you for the warm welcome Mariah,

I could never not love them.  They are the single best thing in the world, and nothing would ever be able to change how I feel.

Terrified Fiance

Hi, welcome to the forum! I'd suggest the two of you have a good long talk. You've apologised and acknowledged you lost the plot so that's a great start. Let your partner know how you feel, that you want to be there for them, ask what they want, see if you can both work out a mutual way forward together. I know a trans guy who was still in female mode when I met him. He was with his boyfriend at the time. Some eleven years later, seven years after his transition to male he is still with the same guy, so it is possible for things to work if the love, trust and commitment from both sides is there.

Thank you Ms Grace,

I want to talk, but my words have been failing me.  I've also been informed by a close friend that my Fiance needs some space right now, so I'm trying to give that.  So I'm really trying not to bring anything up until they are ready to talk more about it, which may not be until after next Fridays session.  The interim time scares me more than I'm willing to admit.  I've still been getting "I love you too" responses, so I'm trying to stay hopeful.  Thank you for your kind words.

Terrified Fiance

You could have a look here for a few resources:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,180045.msg1658077.html#msg1658077

Well, you could see it a bit from their point of view...
it takes courage to explore oneself... to look for some reassurance from friends first, where in case someone would leave it might be seen as less damaging...
they are quite vulnerable now and might hope for some reassurance and someone who can be relied upon...
well its up to you what you say since you know them best...
you might tell them, and suggest to be there... and talk if they want it...
some things from your intro might be good too imo...

two points concerning talking... if its felt something is off one possible way would be to say so, and give the other the space to come out, not criticizing but listening first... this creates a space where people feel understood...

and not to react too emotional first... maybe taking a few deep breaths... and there is the saying to sleep some things over... its there for a reason... its often possible to say you want to think about it...


hugs

Welcome to Susan's Place. First let me forgive you because you haven't forgiven yourself. Yes you could have behaved better but consider you were the last to know and even face book knew before you did. In a close relationship there shouldn't be any secrets between partners and you felt betrayed. Now the hard work starts and you need to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life. Your wife has a condition that has reached the point were it needs some form of treatment and she is going to change in the process. Your sex life will also may change depending on what your wife considers a transition. I would suggest that you consider therapy with and without your wife so you will understand the impact of whats happening before you make a final decision on what to do. I know often Male to Females often remain with their wife but I don't really know all that much about the other direction. It's going to hard on you and if we can do anything to help you, another post on this thread will result in us checking the post.
Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

Another thing to keep in mind is that trans people often keep their gender identity secret from their significant other, even if they have been persuing treatment, discussing/living it openly in other circles or online. This usually isn't out of an intent to deceive but from an abject fear of rejection and adverse reaction. Coming out to loved ones is often one of the hardest and most fraught things a trans person has to confront as part of their transition. Another reason for the "secrecy" can be the need to investigate if their gender identity is trans and what they might do about it but to avoid concerning their partner in case it turns out to be a "false alarm". Your partner must fave felt they were close to that point of coming out to you but the timeline got derailed. If they are still saying they love you that is a good sign.

When I came out to my wife, her reaction was a bit like yours.  I think she did not know how to process it so it came out as anger.   She is now very supportive after realizing that love trumps all.    i don't hold it against her because I know she loves me and that is what really matters.  I am glad to hear you are supporting him and that just goes to show that the love you have is true.   Time will heal.   Good luck my friend.

Thank you Dena, but I'm afraid I won't be able to forgive myself for what I did.  Trust is such a big thing, and for me to snoop... my better half has every right to be livid with me.  And being able to look back on it now, I can see exactly why others knew and I didn't.  Ms Grace has the point of it I think, and after doing some reading I understand that it can be far easier to come out to friends than your partner.  And knowing that they wanted to have their first therapy session before they spoke to me so they could get their own thoughts in order... and for me to just force them.  *sighs*

As for figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life?  Be their partner until the very end and watch our little one grow up and enter the world.  What other answer could there even be?  I keep feeling like I'm such a bad guy in all of this, and then I feel even worse for thinking about how I feel instead of what they are going through.  I want to be able to sit down and say all of this, but I'm afraid if I even push to talk right now, that it could be that last push in the wrong direction.  I'm just so lost... and I can't even start to fathom what my partner must be going through.

Thank you for that JenAco.  I've been doing a lot of reading and research the past few days and I've read a lot about how my reaction is actually fairly typical.  But I still feel horrible about it.

Hindsight is always 100%. There is no way you could have guessed what you found. We are less than 1 in 400 and of those people not all seek treatment. We are very small in number and they say only 8% of the population has ever met one us and far fewer are married to one. You both made mistakes and both of you didn't trust the other partner. The whole thing is an example of what not to do so the only thing left to do is forgive and forget.

We are very aware that there are people out there who don't accept us. We see them on the streets and on web sites. They think we are doing this for fun or because we are immoral. You are taking the time to learn about us and you are giving a commitment to help you wife through what will be hard times. You need to understand that you are a good person and are going way beyond what many would do. The next few week will be hard as your wife will be learning about herself and you will be learning things about your wife that may trace back to early childhood. I only hope this will draw you closer together.

Most of suppress ourselves and I was no exception. I went from around age 13 to age 23 with this bottled up inside me. What your wife felt, I can't tell you because we are all different. Some show signs at age 2 or 3 and other wait until they are 50 or 60 to deal with this problem. It may take a month or more in an effective treatment program before you wife is ready to talk but I think that day will come. Just let her know you are ready to talk when she is ready to talk.

If I can be of anymore help, let me know. You have gone through quite a shock and I will do whatever I can to help you find happiness.

Thank you all again,

I had my partner read through this thread this morning since we aren't really talking about anything right now.  But I'm really not sure if it made things any better, or just made them angrier with me.  They just sort of nodded and walked back to the couch without saying anything about it.  I don't know what is going to happen, and I'm very terrified, but I just wanted to thank you all for your support.

It's early to say but I think you wife has a good deal to think about. It's possible there might be some shame for not including you in the decision as she may have expected you to walk out when you learned the truth. Everything your wife thought about you is being altered to take into account the fact that you are deeply in love and will always be there. This rethinking process takes time so expect your wife to give you the cold shoulder for several days while she is putting her thoughts back in order. You have done about all you can for now until the two of you can communicate again. I hope it works out well for you because you are a supporting spouse and that is what your wife needs now.

First of all, I just want to offer sympathy and understanding about your fears - I've been in your place, and the anxiety and stress and worry was enough to impair judgment.

Secondly, it sounds like you made a bad decision... based on fear and love (and fear of losing whom you love). That's probably exactly the same reasons she chose to keep things from you, and she DID in fact choose to keep secrets from you, so a) your instincts that this was happening were correct and b) it may be time for you to each offer absolution to the other. But at the least, try to forgive yourself, because she was equally at fault in the opposite direction (you pried where you shouldn't, she didn't share what she should) and you both meant well and were both blinded by fear. I admit, when my wife first started transitioning I was also tempted to read her email, because all of a sudden she was keeping things from me when we'd always been very open; I understand *why* she was, but that didn't make it less terrifying. You're both doing the best you can, and you're both going to screw up sometimes anyway. That's a good thing to learn now, and work on forgiveness early.

Thirdly, right now, the most reliable study on trans people suggests that about 50% of relationships survive, and the odds are even better for trans men [=people assigned female at birth who transition to men]. So in a situation where you both love each other and want to make it work, there's a very good chance you can keep this relationship together.

Oh, and lastly, it sounds like she's not ready to have the conversation yet. That's also scary as heck on your end, but it's not necessarily a sign of doom. She's lucky to have you, and hopefully she'll see that.

Hello again everyone,

Once again, I would like to thank you for listening and chatting with me.  I would also like to thank those of you that sent private messages to me.  The amount of support for my partner and I has been wonderful.

I would like to give an update to those of you that have been chatting with me.  She (we spoke for four hours on Monday night, she doesn't wish to change pronouns until she gets to the point that she is taking her injections, so I'm going to respect that even on messages and such, I hope you understand) came home from work on Monday night and informed me that she had bought a pack of smokes and was ready to talk.  To preface, she quit smoking a few years back, but I found a lighter while doing some laundry and gave it to her, telling her that I understood if she was smoking again.  It wasn't from her smoking, but the thought of it I guess made sense and she picked up a pack to calm down.

I apologized again, and we spoke on quite a few things.  I think she had gotten past her anger for what I did at that point, and we both talked about our concerns and worries moving forward.  Thankfully, out concerns actually boiled down to the same exact things and we've been able to see eye to eye.  She also showed me a wonderful website she had found where someone actually documented their FtM transition step by step, so we both got to see what to expect as time goes on.  We also got to talking about her timeline that she has in her mind, and let me know that after she's had a few sessions with her therapist, she was actually informed that I could go with her for some sessions as well.

Since being able to talk on Monday night, things have been going a lot better.  Her wardrobe is slowly shifting over to stuff she is far more comfortable in, and I even went through our shed and found her some of my old shirts that she really fell in love with and gave them to her.  She also found a few nice new binders online and one arrived today, and while it was silly hard for us to get on her at first, we figured it out and I think her confidence level from that alone has shot up.

We're both naturally still stressed out about a few things (such as our son and legal issues in our state) but I think the fact that we both know that everyone super important to us is supporting her has helped take a -lot- of the stress out of the equation.  We even have plans to tell my Mother and my Aunt (who was basically a second mother for a lot of my life) next week,  which will -hopefully- go well.

I've invited her to browse around here and welcomed her to post if she so feels like it, but I don't know if she will.  I however will be sticking around to keep everyone updated and hopefully I'll be able to help others going through things the way you all have helped me.

Thank you all once again,
Still kinda shaky-fiance

I am glad it's working out for you and look forward to updates on your progress. Let us know if there is anything else we can help with.

I'm glad to hear she was willing to have the conversation, and that it went well!

Hello.
I am the significant other going through the transition.  He and I have been working things out and I have been far happier since everyone near to me knows.  Things are going to be weird for a while I'm sure but things between us are far better now.  Thank you for the support and for helping him out.

Congratulations and wish you luck 


hugs