Hi everybody! My name is Jessica or Jessie for short. This is not my first time on Susans. I was previously on here under another name and took some time to try to figure things out for myself. I changed my name because my old name had too much awkwardness and insecurity associated with it for me and I want to start anew.
About me: first and foremost my parents do NOT support me in any way and at this moment are under the impression that I am not going through feminine feelings any more. The fact of the matter is that has become every day and I don't know what I'm gonna do. I've prayed about this a lot and am convinced that there is nothing wrong with me (other than the fact that I am not a woman!!) If you want to know anything more about my parents feel free to pm me. I am 18 and will be attending community college in the fall while living at home for two years so I will need all the support I can get. I'm still very confused about myself and hope to clear some things up while on Susans and hopefully find people I can lean on and tell how I feel because I don't feel like I can do that with my parents anymore after trying to come out to them 3 times and being denied and grounded every time.
Hugs and kisses,
Jessie

Hi Jessie, Welcome back to Susan's.


I'm giving you the links to site rules and answers to some often asked questions just so you have easy access.

list]

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

You have come to the right place to share your story and such.

Hi Jessie 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi Jessie, Welcome back to Susan's. Your among friends now. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Hi Jessie

Welcome, back, to Susan's, lovely to see you back...

I think I know where you are coming from, I buried and denied all my life, then made family commitments that still have held me back to date, and you are right, you never lose those drivers and feelings... I prayed almost nightly or wept a bit praying that some divine intervention would help me out... but it never comes 

I joined many sites over the last few years, then pulled back but at some point you can't fight anymore... so you really have all my deepest understanding of what you are going through. All I can say, from experience, that you are with family who cares here, we all care and help each other, one way or another. Also whilst you may feel you cannot aspire fully to your dreams yet, you can plan and strive forward, and when the time is right it will all fall into place. But don't deny your inner feelings they are your true direction. Is there any latitude to see a therapist or counsellor (gender orientated)....

We are all here to help you but of course the end decision is yours xxx

L Katy 

Thanks katy . Indeed I do feel discouraged quite often.

Welcome back to Susan's place though you were here long before I joined. I am a bit confused but I think what you want to do is figure out where and what you are. If so, go to youtube and look at "The transition channel" and that might help clear up your confusion. If what you are after is something else, let us know and we will see what we can do.

Thank you so much dena! I will do just that

I just watched the videos entitled are you transgender mtf and it describes me pretty much exactly. I get discouraged and upset when people refer to me as a male and when I imagine myself as a Female I feel relieved. I'm afraid to try and transition though because of how my parents have reacted to me. Idk where I'm at as far as transition, all I know is that in the past I have taken some of my mom's estradiol and I felt really good about myself. At one time I had my own set of panties, I've had makeup even wearing mascara to school and some powder. Also women's deodorant. Whenever all of these were put together I felt my best . my mom took that all away from me.

Quote from: Jessiegirly66 on June 14, 2015, 03:02:11 AM
I just watched the videos entitled are you transgender mtf and it describes me pretty much exactly. I get discouraged and upset when people refer to me as a male and when I imagine myself as a Female I feel relieved. I'm afraid to try and transition though because of how my parents have reacted to me. Idk where I'm at as far as transition, all I know is that in the past I have taken some of my mom's estradiol and I felt really good about myself. At one time I had my own set of panties, I've had makeup even wearing mascara to school and some powder. Also women's deodorant. Whenever all of these were put together I felt my best . my mom took that all away from me.

Now we have that settled, lets think about the next step and that's dealing with the parents. I am not exactly sure where you are with your parents but I assume they know to some degree. The WIKI link on the top of the page has letters to family and friends that others have written. I would suggest you examine them to see if one fits your needs. On the other hand, I am working on one as well targeting the harder cases and if you want to look at it you will find it here. You do have the issue of finishing school and transitioning takes massive amounts of money. I payed all of my cost out of my pocket but the insurance payed the hospital after the fact and the hospital returned the insurance money to me. You need to consider how you are going to handle the future. You may decide to wait until you have a job to deal with your parents or if you have no other options than starting on the transition now. Your parents may not have the money to do much for you so things may be stalled until you have a job. One thing that might help is colleges often have mental health departments available for the students. Consoling might help you manage your feelings until you graduate. I understand what it's like to be in your position because I didn't come out until I reach 23 when I knew I could support myself and then it took another 4 years to find a program where I was able to make progress. You have a bunch of thinking to do planing your future so let me know if I can help any more.

You could have a look here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188309.msg1674885.html#msg1674885
and here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,180045.msg1658077.html#msg1658077
and at the letter from dena...

This all is a process, many have gone through it and succeeded.

You have quite a few options...
well its up to you what you do since you know all people involved best...
you might talkt to your parents... if you are dependent you might consider...

You might think about a good gender therapist... not a gatekeeper but a supportive person to help you along...
you might look for someone who has, amongst others, gender on their list...
saying at home you want counseling for gender issues, or for emotional issues...
if its connected with depression or emotional issues it might be covered...
or they might offer sliding scales...
if they are not supportive you might look for another...

and you might ask at trans groups, plannedparenthood, a lgbt center or with a school counselor for counseling...

at college there might be a counselor...


just take the time you need but keep at it...


*hugs*

Thank you ladies . Even though I know how I feel inside I still have problems reconciling that with my appearance. I'm kinda femme for a guy I suppose. I look younger than 18, I'm about 5'8" talk and weigh 120 lbs. I just really wish I could behave in a feminine manner and not be judged negatively for it . I'm really afraid to tell others because of the way my parents have reacted. I have wri5en my parents three different letters trying to explain where I am coming from and they don't get it. They are convinced that my feelings are the result of listening to the devil. They have even gone so far as to print off an article about people who have regretted transition. This worked for about a week and then the woman in me started speaking up again. I have an okay relationship with my parents I suppose but sometimes I feel fake. I love my parents to pieces and don't want to hurt them in any way
Kisses,
Jessie

I had an email conversation with one of the better known people who regretted the surgery and from what I could pick up it was a case of rushing into surgery to fast combined with a twist of religion that wasn't taken into account before having surgery. You need to say you are going to take it slow and easy so you are sure before surgery. I get nervous when I keep giving the same answer but if your parents have some scientific knowledge, this link may be of some help in explaining this wasn't the work of the devil but is instead a birth defect that isn't visible. If they think that external birth defects are the work of the devil as well, you are pretty much limited until you get out of school and are self supporting. Do the best you can in school because you will need a good paying job to cover your expenses.
Look at that picture on the left and imagine it on top a 6'2" body that is slim without much shape. With your smaller size I think you will find passing less difficult than I did.
As for your parents, before coming out I had to make a decision as to what I wanted more, my happiness or my parents. It was a hard decision to make but I decided my happiness was more important. In the end I got lucky and had both.
I know the next few years are going to be hard on you but we will help you however we can.

You could have a look at this:

acceptingdad.com/2013/08/05/to-the-unicorns-dad/

This is emotional stuff... if you feel like it call or chat on one of the helplines...
for example glbthotline.org/hotline.html or translifeline.org

(Yet I don't like some of the comments, they talk about hurdles instead of the relief and that many people have made a successful transition and simply feel better. And many people say especially the younger generation is more accepting. )

Well as said... its up to you what you say since you know them best...
-transgender people have always been around, in all cultures. as the article says, its a way people are, people are born with all kinds of birth condition...
here is proof for that:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,186458.msg1664590.html#msg1664590

And if someone was born with any kind of visible birth condition people would be called to help.
Things like this happen. It has nothing to do with religion. It just is.
And it has nothing to do with their upbringing or whatever .

Concerning religion, transgender people have been around in all cultures. So it has to be biological.

-if they would be looking for support, they should not look for some religious groups but normal and sane people going through the same.
PFLAG for example is an excellent resource. Its simply parents from all walks of life.
-remember your safety is most important. Just do things you feel comfortable with.

-well what you would want is a therapist to help you along. This has nothing to do with any religious thing. Its just someone helping you uncover what you feel inside. Its normal people talking to each other.

-if you had some urge like the will for an artistic expression this would be kind of similar. Its just what you feel would make you happy.

-of course there were people regretting it. Out of hundreds of thousands of people this is likely. Some people are very sure. Other people need a good therapist to guide them along.

The question is what would make you more happy. And it needs a simple and sane approach to that.
Part of this has to do with control. Baseline is you are not out of control but want with the help of a therapist evaluate step by step what would make you happy, often starting with easy reversible steps and seeing how it makes you feel and then evaluating the next steps.

Just take the time you need... and remember you will succeed, one way or the other... just keep at it...

don't rush things and look out for yourself...


have a big *hug*

Thank-you so much both of you. You don't know how much it means that you are so willing to help me. I know the next years are going to be tough for me in more ways than one. In the meantime is there anything I could start doing myself to help myself feel more feminine and begin acting as such without being so blatantly obvious that my parents catch on?
Kisses,
Jessie

Hi Jessie and welcome back.

Thanks gennee

You might:
-grow your hair out and wear it in a ponytail

you could have a look at this posting minus the underwear:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,190488.msg1697067.html#msg1697067

you could do a few things that bring you in contact with your feminine side... cooking, gardening, being creative...

you can interact over the internet on boards like this with a feminine persona (don't do this too much )

hugs

I like the ponytail idea actually