We all struggle with it in our own lives, especially such deep rooted, secretive and serious struggles.

I'm posting because I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. My best (and only, really) friend lives far away now, and getting in touch is rare. If anyone is also experiencing this or has, or just wants to b$tch with me, it is welcomed.

Today my sibling whom I work with mentioned my disconnectedness and "looking miserable" at work makes things awkward there. It really had an effect on me, though it was stated flatly. I am aware I feel bad most of the time, it literally begins when I wake up, every single morning. I am absolutely used to being depressed all day. I also work in an environment that gets hostile, with the employer constantly belittling and verbally abusing their workers. I did not have a response for her. I muttered something like I figured it did not stand out. It was repeated that I make things awkward.

There's such a wall between myself and every person I come into contact with. I'm constantly exhausted from feeling depressed I just sleep. I never want to leave my house. I'm living with family I've lived with all my life. They do not have the best understanding of me and I cannot give it; I am finding in my life that I am an extremely personal being. I'm not looking for debate or inspection, I simply want to just be left alone. When I am at work, oftentimes I will begin feeling a lot of bad emotions when I run out of things to do.

I've stopped going to the gym because my anxiety gets overwhelming thinking about it. I've been learning about food and making raw foods but at the same time I'm doing a lot of unhealthy things to my body. Sometimes I drink before work, come in messed up but actually work better in these circumstances. It's escapism - the sensations and numbness brought on by the drugs dull my depression and dysphoria for a while. I work like a machine with only that goal in mind, but with the looming feeling of the hopelessness. I don't know what to do, where to go from here. The main root of everything is the dysphoria of my genitals and how that has affected my life and relationships and all else. I am trying to work on an essay for Jim Collins to apply for a partial grant, I am trying to collect info and figure things out to formulate a plan for my SRS. But usually I can't even get out of bed and I just would rather make myself comatose.

I don't know how to deal, really. Except for numbing myself in as many ways as I can for the time being. It's just gotten to the point where I cannot bear any more sh$t. Those days are over, my burden is full. I feel like giving up everyday. Besides acquiring a disease or losing another loved one, I know things cannot really get worse.

Thanks for reading this sh$t. it actually means a lot to me. I feel bad going off like this and pitying myself like this but this is how it is for me right now. And I don't know how to keep getting through it.

When I've visited family, folks have commented on how I seem off, or sad... And, yes, they're kinda right... We all have our good days and bad days, and they've just caught me on a bad GD day...

But, upon noticing that they've mentioned this a couple times now, I try to appear more jolly, even if not so.

And... I've begun to notice times where the GD monster 'drags' (see what I did there?) Me emotionally down, but I'm able to notice it more, and adjust accordingly.

Hang in there, venting is always allowed (from what I've read, at least) and we all need to do it at some point.

It sounds like you've hit the wall. Seeing a therapist and even a psychiatrist to prescribe medication could be life changing for you. Depression isn't something you can shake off on your own.

No one at work ever came right out and told me that me being depressed made things awkward but I know they felt it. My own family quit spending time with me because they said I was so depressing that I made them depressed too and also because they were being ->-bleeped-<-s. I fought so hard to get rid of the depression and anxiety myself but I just couldn't. I would wake up, go to work, drag through the day, come home, sleep then repeat that cycle endlessly. That's no way to live.

It took a year of working with a therapist and being on medication for things to start getting better. That's where I'm at now. I still have way too much stress in my life but things are starting to look up. I'll be starting a new job soon then moving away from the crazy family I've lived with all of my life. If I can go from suicidal to starting a career in only a year then there's hope. There's help out there, you just have to seek it out.

Don't feel bad.   Being depressed because you're going through a bad time isn't self pity at all.  Besides,  sometimes you need to let it out.

I agree with Contravene that seeing a therapist and getting antidepressants could really help.  Those pills work differently for different people,  but they can ease your symptoms and give you a bit of breathing space so you can do the things you need to do.  One of those things is taking care of yourself.  Working out plans for SRS is obviously an important part of that for you, and you'll get there.  Just like you can't go running around on a sprained ankle, it's important to give your brain time to rest and recover.

And yeah, that sucks about your friend.  Stuff like that is hard, especially for those of us who tend to go for quality over quantity where friendships are concerned.  I'm kind of losing my best friend since he hooked up with an unpleasant girlfriend.  In a world full of awesome women, why he had to fetch up with her is a mystery.

Here is another vote for seeing a therapist. I was a lot like you with the drinking, trying to numb myself from life, trying to escape life, the pointlessness and the hopelessness - going through life but not living - its all very familiar. And as you may have figured out until you take action it just keeps getting worse.

For me, getting onto HRT was like someone flipping that hidden switch in my brain and turning on the lights. My world became way different and much better after HRT started.

You have a medical condition and trying to will it away won't work - please seek the qualified help that you need.