Today it is exactly 3 months ago that for the first time I told anybody that I don't consider myself only male. A lot has happened in the process of connecting to my feminine side, from underdressing when ever I can (I have to change at work (kitchen) so only on day's off) to painting my toenails.
Some memorable moments in a random order.
Chest hair at one moment became a real problem for me, it caused me so much stress that at a certain point I could not wait for the next morning to borrow a trimmer and get proper razor blades but decided to attack the yeti at 9 in the evening with some cheap disposable razors I had laying around from 2 years ago when I had to shave my knees for physiotherapy. It was not a pretty sight. While it's far from perfect yet I have improved a lot. I type this with shaven chest, arms and legs (and to honest when I started trimming/shaving my chest it took me about 5 seconds to make the decision to go a little further and shave my naughty bits). Hopefully I can try waxing soon.
I got breast forms, I ordered them online and the long wait began. One day just before I had to go to catch my bus the door rang. It was also the first day I painted my toenails so I actually was nervous that the postman would look at my feet. I only had a few minutes to try them before I had to leave for work so the first time I wore them I only had the "O crap, this is really happening" feeling and I had to wait for 10+ hours before I could wear them long enough to get over that first freak out and they felt right. I hope that I find the courage to crossdress with them outside of my house someday (not directly in public but in a safe environment first).
Coming out is an ongoing process. The first person I told (I still don't know why it happened at that moment) was my autism counselor (that was the first time I said it out loud and the moment my closet imploded). One and a half week after that the stress and the shock of feeling me, free and confused caused a bit of a mental breakdown so I decided that I needed help and that involved telling my doctor (to get a referral to a therapist) and the two ladies who run a autism meet up I visit every week.
The really scary ones were my parents (I actually asked my counselor to come along for mental support) my sister and my chef at work (I felt I had to give her some explanation why I called in sick a few days with really cryptic messages about stress).
The last person I told is a friend from my autism meet up after we had a talk about sexual orientation and stereotypes. Until now everybody has been very supportive, loving and positive.
I'm pretty sure I left some things out but is past midnight here and this rambling has been going on for long enough.
I've been asked a few times if I regret starting this process of self discovery, and while it is sometimes scary and stress full the answer is no. In about 2 months I turn 40 and I feel that to a certain extent my live just started.
Love Lili
