I'm 32 but had identified my "transness" from 13. I'm an only child and so I kept things to myself for years. At 31 my gf outted me as gay to my parents. So it was time I spoke to them to explain that I am actually a man. They didn't take anything well at all, and now over a year later, mom insists that she loves me and will accept my relationship with a woman however doesn't understand it. My problem, I've tried many times to discuss who I am and she, well she isn't well anymore. When she has breakdowns she goes from repeating I'm not the same person, not the person she knew all of these years, or goes down a list of people who could have turned me this way, or voodoo, or that I'm lying to myself or that I'm sick in the head, basically anything other than accepting the truth.  I'm still me, I still help her out, I still talk to her well and do things for her as I used to, even though she has put me through hell over the past year and a half.

She refuses to accept no matter what I say, yet she won't let me go on to live my life. She wants to keep me as I was, as a lie just so she will be ok.

Every week there's a breakdown, this week is family visiting from abroad and she can't handle seeing the kids of her cousins with their kids, knowing what I am.

I desperately need to transition, I can't take it anymore, but all she says is, please don't do anything until I die, please or it will kill me. Last night she told me that again and kept repeating that I am her girl and whatever I believe I am in my head should just stay there.

I know her words and actions are abusive and selfish and that she disguises it all as love. She's been a great mother to me over the years but was always very over baring and suffocating. She has fears and issues and now she's taking them all out on me. I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm a really happy person who just likes to get on with life, but she doesn't let me, everything is a fight and she doesn't understand that I don't need to put up with all of this and despite the monster she has become, I am still here, I am still sacrificing myself to help her.

I've tried every tactic, nothing helps. She won't see a doctor, she won't even admit to having problems, instead when I try to tell her she says I'm trying to make her out to be crazy. Everything offends her , like the whole world is out to get her.

I can't move out just yet, money issues starting a new business, but hopefully in the next six months I will be away. But even then she begs me not to be more than a couple of blocks down.

I was never a "mommas boy" I always fought for my freedom and always did what I wanted but when she tells me straight out that she will die if I trans then I don't know what to do

No one has a right to ask you to pretend to be someone else. Even if they're very sick or dying. Terminal illness is no excuse for controlling behavior. (Is you mother actually terminally ill, or is it just talk?)

It is possible that your mother's controlling behavior *does* originate in love, but that doesn't mean you're required to let her control you. If you don't want to transition, don't do it, but if you need to live fully as a male, you are damaging yourself by holding yourself back.

However, you have no control over what your mom does. If she is going to have a breakdown, she is going to have a breakdown, and living as your authentic self is not the cause. Your mom not being able to cope with life is the cause.

Emotional blackmail. What would be hard on her has already been done as you have told her the truth. On the other hand, when you live under another persons roof, you may have to live under their rules. You need get in a position where you can move out, tell your mother you are going to transition and is she doesn't accept it, move out. Remaining there will not be healthy for you in the long run if you have to remain as you are.

As much as she doesn't want to admit it the damage is done. She knows. All she is doing now is causing harm to both of you by making you wait. You need to be free to live your life and not be blackmailed by her. I can understand that because your saving money to start a business that your stuck under her roof and as a result it makes things a bit less cut and dry. The sooner you can set up to be not under her roof the sooner your able to do something. In the meantime don't give up and keep trying. I can only hope that it eventually sinks in that she is doing everyone harm. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

Some days are better than others. Today is not a good one.

Can I ask a question?
Do you support your mother care wise? and does your mother support you financially? I read that you can't move out "financially" but is that an insurmountable obstacle?

It seems that she feels she will lose face amongst the family and friends etc... Some people, depending when they were born, and / or their upbringing do not at all comprehend the vast variation in humans, to them its all fixed, you are a guy or a girl, you have light hair or dark hair... They don't understand change, and, don't want to...

But the biggest thing, which has held me back for so many years, is making life awkward or hard for my family (wife, kids etc.) and I was born back in the dark ages, so like you I hid it, and hid it, and...

I think in honesty, if the need is not there, maybe you should move away and just be yourselves even if things are tight? but keep communicating with her, she will possibly come around over time.

Another question, do you know or what do you think the rest of the family will feel about you if you tell them all? Sorry just going through some thought processes...

Hope some of that may help, sometimes standing back and considering all connections can help and guide you.

Katy xx