hi again,

i am a member for about 6 years now. in the beginning i knew i have to transition. than i became scared, liked the idea of androgyny and pushed my limits further.  seven month later i had my first therapy session, because i knew that it is more for me than being androgyne. but i became scared again. it was like a rollercoaster-road. there were month i felt okay and there were month i thought i became crazy, because i can't go on like this anymore.
i went to 3 therapists and everytime thing got serious i got soooooo scared that i quit going to them. the last time i went to a therapist is 6 month ago. i had my letter, i had an appointement with an endocrinolgist. and what have i done? i shaved my head  thinking about being a manly men. and it was good for about 3 month. since then i feel desperate. i know what would be the best for me, but again, i am sooo scared! i am 27 years old now.
i am scared that i won't pass, that i won't find a job, that my family won't accept it. and to be honest... i have these feelings since i was 3 years old, but i am scared, that transition might be wrong for me! please, don't get me wrong... i know how i feel inside and if you would give me a pill i would not hesitate, but there is no pill. i would have to go the difficult road of transition and i am scared.

please, give me some advise, bolster me up 

I'm sorry, really your the only one who knows what needs to be done. It took me 50 years to get here, far too long and a lot of wasted  time.

It's not an easy road.  You may lose things along the way, but focus on what you have to gain.  Your family may be more accepting than you think.  Even my dad has come around.  Your therapist can be your guide through this.  Use them.

Good luck k and hugs! Remember you are not alone.


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The road to happiness is hard and scary. In the days before the internet I found a therapy group with people in all stages of transition. The first night I felt like i was a fake and didn't belong with these fine people who have done so much more than I did. When I left I was ready to never show up for a meeting again. Over the next week I was spending 2 hours a day sleeping and the remaining 22 hours a day with this running through my head. I finally decided I needed to explore my feelings more and attended the next meeting. The following week I spent breaking the remainder of my barriers down so I was open to therapy and was able to start the transition. You might see if a transexual therapy group is available or if you can find somebody who is farther along in the transition process to give you that push to get you moving. If none of these are possible, get back in therapy and talk this out with somebody who can help you work through these fears. The feelings you have are never going to go away without you facing your fears. The truth is if you conquer your fears now, a year from now you will wonder why you had so much fear. I was never attacked, insulted  or abused by anybody in the transition process and people have always been nice to me even though I may not have been passing. For the most part the fear you have is all in your head and not in the real world.

lucaluca, do you think you will ever find peace if you do not follow your heart?

no, i think i won't 

i am 99,99% sure how i feel inside and what i want, but still there is this fear, that i transition and realize that i interpreted my feelings wrong.
does someone had the same fear? and how did you deal with it?

Oh the fear.

The mind numbing fear: I cant do this, I'll never be able too...... (list them!)

Surprisingly, in most countries and most places the fear is unfounded. I know that does not make the fear go away, but can I say the fear is in you and not in society.

You may lose friends, you may gain friends. Same for jobs.

Family and friends? Well if they can't accept you they are not worth having.

What is the alternative. Fear.

How do you cope with that? Drugs and booze and a miserable non acceptance of yourself. Waking up each day and crying. Living with Fear. Covering the mirrors so you can't see 'it'. Life gnawing away at you like a cancer of the soul.

Or you face it. I'm not going to Fear anymore. I will be me. I will be strong. It is my life and I have a right to live it as me.

Then you do it.

Hi Lucaluca

I fully understand the roller coaster ride, like Stephanie, its taken me more than fifty years to push to make my life complete, but I wish I had been honest with myself, sorry my inner feelings and "knowing" instead of trying to be who I was not and lying to everyone around me and myself... now I have to undue all of that and commit to who I am.

I only say this as you can't keep things deep inside for ever, they always surface, its better for yourself and potentially all around you, both today and possibly future, to figure and do what you really need to do.

I would openly discuss this with your therapist... and as Cindy said list your fears, your true inner feelings, then order then in importance, to you and your sanity. As for passing its amazing, especially being younger, what inner peace and the right regimes can do for you.

You are certainly not alone in your fears and thoughts... many, many of us have been there, more often than you'd have thought.

Hope that helps a little.

L Katy 

It would be really hard on the start, a courage word that make me start transition was "How would I spend the rest of my life from now" with this sentence that came up on my mind that day make me know that I have enough life as a man and I will spend the rest as a woman. And I've been through a lot of bad moment during transition too, almost gave up so many times. But I still here

So ask yourself if you want it, and just go for it.

Fear.... is good. Face it, transition aint for weenies. The older you get, the easier it is to say to yourself "I made it this far....."

But what is the real justification for feeding or justifying that fear? For me it long was my old drinking buddies, Shame and Guilt

Like others here, I spent 50 years avoiding fear burying it under piles of diversions, distractions, booze, and food. I also twice experimented with transitioning in my early 20's. Twice they ended because I figured it was far far easier to fake being a guy then being some guy in a dress.... Shame

When a lifetime of this caught up to me six years ago I realized it was how I was NOT handling being trans was the root cause of much of my misery. For me the answer was clear, I needed to figure out how to get these two great aspects of myself to peacefully coexist inside me so I can be one whole, healthy, and happy person. That was my quest, not transitioning. In fact it was the absolutely last thing on my list. Been there, tried it twice.

A funny thing happened on the road to happiness. I accidentally veered off into transitioning. To be clear, for me "transition" is more of the dictionary variety. I began to change. I fought and overcame a fear, enough to take just a Baby Step and it worked. I became happier. Cool, let's try another one. Hey that also worked.

Eventually I reached a point where baby steps were becoming leaps of faith. Coincidentally, that same time overcoming fears became far more complicated and frankly, unresolvable. Also involving great leaps of faith.

As my wife and therapist both like to remind me.... I cannot predict, much less control the future.

Fear is good. Provided it does not rule your life. Transition can and does involve great risks. As with anything else in life, there are no clear cut answers. One needs to balance the potential rewards against the potential losses. Or, as my inner pessimist puts it "Which Pain is Worse?".

Quote from: lucaluca on June 20, 2015, 02:58:45 AM
no, i think i won't 

i am 99,99% sure how i feel inside and what i want, but still there is this fear, that i transition and realize that i interpreted my feelings wrong.
does someone had the same fear? and how did you deal with it?

Look at doubt as a good thing. I had doubt right up to the day I had my surgery. The good thing is that treatment program is designed to reduce as much as possible the chance you will mistake. Hair removal is uncomfortable for men who like there beards. Hormones would cause disturbing changes in men. A year of cross living isn't easy but only somebody like us would tolerate it. In my case, money issues pushed my cross living period out to two years and as the result I had far less doubt about the surgery than I would have had at one year. Nobody limits you to one years of cross living and if you are unsure about surgery, take two or three years to make up you mind. There are people on this board who are very happy living without surgery and as a women. Surgery is something to be considered if you see no other option. My opinion of you isn't based on what you decide is best for you. If you look at all the work ahead of you, it looks like an impossible task. Start with you beard,  therapy, voice work and HRT spend a few months int that mode while you accumulate a wardrobe. When you start feeing comfortable push a little farther and venture into the world in your new role but stay way from crowds. When you are comfortable then you interface with people. It can go much faster if you have somebody you know at your side to give you emotional support. See if you can find a support group in your area as they will help you be comfortable in public.

i guess the greatest fear is not to be able to pass 

I didn't think I would do a very good job of passing either. Makeup, hair, proper clothes  and attitude go a long way toward making you passable. We won't know until we start working with you but I have seen some surprising results on this web site. You may not be the most attractive person around but most GGs aren't either. When you are ready, we will work with you.

I'm new to this forum and posted a question which I've been asking myself 'am I transgender and would I go through with transitioning?' The reason I asked that is because I feel just like you. Still do. I'm scared and not able to even take the first step - talk to a therapist! You however have reached so far!

What if my family and friends can't accept me? Will my life and career be a mess? It's not a great place to be in, that I know for sure. However, I am reading about other people story in these forums and other people biographies. A person suggested to...crossdress to begin with to see how you feel. Not sure if that applies to you. However, I have been crossdressing for a couple of days now and everytime I do so it feels so damn right, it feels like that is how it should be and every time this happens...I become a little bit stronger and a little bit more courageous.

Don't get me wrong, the fear is still there but now I noticed the  duality of my personality - I feel like I'm being pulled apart by two person; the one that one to keep everyone else happy and that part of me who knows. Also am more aware of how other people's opinion seem to affect my mind - and that's a big problem. For people like me and probably yourself, who are insecure, other people's doubt become our own. We trust their opinion more than we do ours and their comes a point when we think their doubt is really ours...something learned as children.

But I might be wrong. As I mentioned; I, myself, am new to all of this and trying to figure it all out and hopefully somebody can bring something to light.

Adrianna,

I know how you feel, as do many, if not most here.

I have a high profile job, I'm well known. I had everything to lose and I couldn't afford to lose it.

So I did what most of us do. Hid.

I took comfort in the bottle.

It gave no comfort.

Finally I did pluck up the courage, after days watching the morning commute train go by and thinking, I just need to take a few steps and it is all over. No pain anymore.

I didn't take those steps (obviously). But I did take a few steps and transitioned.

It was hard, but in retrospect, a damn sight easier than walking in front of that train.

And I used my courage so that a train driver was not destroyed by destroying me.

What did I gain and lose?

I gained a happy wonderful life filled with friends and respect from them

I lost no one of any importance.

I also gained and lost two other things: I gained my self respect, and I lost drinking myself to oblivion.

There is only one person's opinion that is of any importance to me. Mine.

Have a safe journey and remember it isn't a race but a journey.

Courage is having faith in ones ability to jump into that deep end, and then learn to swim.

I spent 15 years in therapy to get past that fear and I was every bit as terrified as you are just last year. My head was also shaved until this past December.

For me personally, that fear should have been called shame, because that's what it was. I felt shame about how the world would treat me, which made me afraid.

I started wearing one visible article of women's clothing on a daily basis. I chose sneakers. In the 4 months since I started doing that, not one single person has made any comments, positive or negative. During the spring time, I also added in a women's hoodie. Again no comments. Next I did a poor job of removing brightly colored nail polish for a bit, i.e specks of hot pink on my nails. No comments. Once I realized nobody really cared what I was wearing, I started wearing what I wanted to wear instead.

With the help of some friends, I've been practicing finding clothes that are more flattering and walking like a girl. It helps to have girl friends that are supportive and willing to go shopping with you as your true self. That seems to help with getting people to gender you female. I always thought the scariest thing I could do was to present as female without being on hormones, but it turns out it was exactly what I needed. Feeling what it was like to be addressed as a woman in various settings is what ultimately made my choice to proceed. I'd imagine it could have just as easily made me change my mind if it wasn't right for me.

See a therapist and transition if you want and need to. You can always go off HRT 3 months in but if it is right for you then you will know and continue.

I might be a little different in that by the time the path was shown I had absolutely nothing to lose. Now I have the one thing I've always wanted.