Hi all.
So much here that has been said that I can identify with. Well to make it as brief as I can I spent twenty five years of my life drinking alcoholically, trying to hide behind a bottle, so that I wouldn't have to face the truth. I heard someone mention being empathic, I was already an empath for as far back as I can remember as a child. But then the GID, or desire to be a girl just became so overwhelmingly intense that I began to have notions of suicide. So now I had this female persona who resided within me side by side with the empathy. Feeling everyones psychic energy, yes. And because I was able to do that with other people I thought other people could do the same with me. "Paranoya" you wanna bet, big time. When I finally put the cork back on the bottle my psychiatrist was able to diagnose me having by-polar disorder.

After getting on the meds to stabilize my by-polar disorder, then I found myself getting even more sensitive to peoples energy but by this time I knew that there wasn't any other people or very few if there was any that could read me the same way, unless I made it very obvious to them to read me. Soon after this the GID set in and  finally 8 years ago I discovered what the word transsexual meant. So back to my shrink I went and I was sent to the the Clark Institute in Toronto for evaluation and a couple months later I was on estrogen and Spironolactone and I was on my way to transitioning to be that whom is my inner-self.  I followed the transition to it's completion, or least ways, as far as I could take it in the physical.

I faltered many times on my journey to become Cindy and the fear I went through I came near quiting a couple of times. But I put to much blood sweat and tears, not to mention money, to be Cindy. So I said to myself there ain't no way I am backing away from being Cindy now. But bonus was that Cindy is so much more me then I ever was as the other persona. But I can also identify with what I have read thus far about androgyne. I believe I was for a good many years, quite possibly I still am. But I have kind of become attached to Cindy, She has such a great capacity to love and care for others. If I have it my way I will dies being a care giver.

Cindy
   

Quote from: Nero on November 26, 2007, 11:42:41 PM
I can relate to so much that has been said.

For me, I felt so foreign and constantly berrated myself for not being like all the other girls. I knew I wasn't one of them, and yet I obviously was. I really tried for a long time to be normal. I studied other girls trying to figure out what to do. I just wanted to be normal so everyone wouldn't hate me so much.

Just out of curiosity, how does seeing 'the perfect man' in ads affect you?

I bring this up because someone pointed out that looking at all the perfect women is painful for us.  I don't think I've heard FtM's speak much of feeling bad because of advertisements and movies.  Maybe you guys don't give a damned.

Do the words chronic trauma adequately express it?

Perhaps we should concentrate on the positive rather than on the negative.  The mere fact that we are posting here means that we are alive despite the pain and sorrows of GID.  Sometimes I feel like a wounded soldier, without an arm or a leg, burnt beyond recognition, with very deep scars that perhaps will never fade, but I'm alive and the war is over...

tink

Quote from: Tink on November 27, 2007, 05:43:48 PM
Perhaps we should concentrate on the positive rather than on the negative.  The mere fact that we are posting here is that we are alive despite the pain and sorrows of GID.  Sometimes I feel like a wounded soldier, without an arm or a leg, with very deep and scars that perhaps will never fade, but I'm alive and the war is over...

tink

You can't, Tink. Nero said no optimists allowed. That's why I haven't posted I think there's good as well as bad, and I prefer to concentrate on the good.

Dennis

Oh well, I'm sure Nero will cut me some slack! (I hope)

tink

Quote from: Tink on November 27, 2007, 05:47:43 PM
Oh well, I'm sure Nero will cut me some slack! (I hope)

tink

Only for the Faery Queen.

Quote from: Dennis on November 27, 2007, 05:45:02 PM

You can't, Tink. Nero said no optimists allowed. That's why I haven't posted I think there's good as well as bad, and I prefer to concentrate on the good.

Dennis

You can share. Share whatever effects you feel it has had on your psyche - good or bad. (Just go easy on the 'there are people starving in China, quadripeligics, we're so fortunate' kind of thing. That's all.) If you feel there's good effects of growing up trans, I'd be interested in hearing it.

Hehe, I've never been a "there are children starving in China" kind of optimist. I think it's given me an awareness of sexism that most men don't have, having never experienced being treated as a woman. Most men are walking on eggshells around the concept of sexism, because they just aren't conscious of its pervasiveness.

I think, too, it's given me the ability to talk to women without being intimidated. They're not quite as mysterious as many men think (which doesn't mean I can actually understand them or anything).

And, for me, it means that I'm not as insecure in my masculinity as a lot of bio men are, especially guys my height. I haven't had it pounded in to me from an early age that if you don't follow certain behavioural rules, you're gay or feminine. And, having been thought of as both gay and female, I don't really care if someone wants to think I am. I know who I am. I went through a lot of angst and trouble to get to be who I am. If someone wants to criticize me or thinks they're insulting me by calling me any of that, they can sod off.

Dennis

I like what you said Dennis, but why does the journey have to be so rough?

Quote from: Rebis on November 27, 2007, 07:02:57 PM
I like what you said Dennis, but why does the journey have to be so rough?

Why? Why? Why? Why are we on this journey at all? Everything I believed in has been crushed because of this. I thought this was a simple world with male and female people.

Alice

Quote from: Alice on November 27, 2007, 07:09:22 PM

Quote from: Rebis on November 27, 2007, 07:02:57 PM
I like what you said Dennis, but why does the journey have to be so rough?

Why? Why? Why? Why are we on this journey at all? Everything I believed in has been crushed because of this. I thought this was a simple world with male and female people.

Alice

Why not?

I think that's the question we need to ask more often of ourselves. "Why not me."

I spent a long time asking why me? Why is it so difficult to be me. A few years ago a young man told me.

"Mom, this came to you because you have the courage and strength to live through it and be better because of it. You show people it can be done. You show them that this is real, not just some made-up stuff that people do to get away from things. Your Goddess chose you, because She knew that this would not kill you. Because She knew that most people never have to do it, just the stronger ones."

I cried and cried. He moved me, deeply. Perhaps more than anyone else ever has. I still hold on to that. Are there children starving in China? *smile*

Children starve everywhere. So do adults.

GID gave me reason to discover "who I REALLY am." As the boy said, most people don't have that advantage. For us, it's a requirement to live. For us, it can keep us from starving.

   

For me its been a lifetime of waiting for the next major episode of depression and withdrawl and I'm tired of it all. 

For me it was to admit defeat and then surrender to the GID and just follow my instincts. I didn't do it because I wanted to be this or that gender, by this time there was only one way to go, then I just followed that way. Everything else fell together easy after that, and I love who I am.

Cindy

I love who I am now too.  But I really would have enjoyed liking myself 20 years ago.   

       I believe the problem is less with us than it is with the world around us squeezing us as though we're rats in the grip of a python.

       Knowing it could have been better doesn't help, though.

The eyes of some have begun to open but there are still to many people with small minds who are so close sighted they can't see beyond there noses. Oh and then you have the ones with a bad case paranoia and then those with prejudice in their heart, hate and fear go together quite well, especially those who fear the unknown or anything that looks strange to them. The Bible thumpers, ya it ain't no wonder we were so late doing what we needed to do Rebis hon. At least in the past decade there has been  growing number of places to go get information. Even though there are more people that are open minded today, there are still those that could be detrimental to ones health. I am a care giver, I give what I can to help those who need it and that is my way to bring some order of peace at least to some in the community where I live here.

Cindy

On the positive side, my journey across gender has offered insight and understanding that I couldn't have achieved in any other way. That is indeed a blessing and I hope to find ways to use these tremendous gifts to help make this world a better place.

zythyra