So you're sure you can see the girl in me if so how.

It's hard to explain but I have talked with a couple of hundred people who were in a program for reassignment surgery. I heard all their stories but there was a common theme running through them even though the words were different. Consider yourself for example.
You played with girl things before this feeling hit.
No normal boy wants to be a girl because they are happy the way they are. You want to be a girl.
What you have now has hit you in puberty That is common to many stories.
You never hand problems with depression/ anxiety before but it hit you in puberty.
You had a hard time telling your parents because you know you are supposed to be a boy but you feeling say girl.
You are overjoyed that your parents are taking to to get help and you want them to think of you as a girl.
And to top it off, how many people your age do you know who go looking for a web site like Susan's Place.
Transsexualism may be the only medical condition that is self diagnosed. This is something where the patient tells the doctor what is wrong.

Now you are a little confused about what is for boys and what is for girls. When I was growing up we had very strict rules as to what each gender could do and could not do. Now days many jobs can be done by either gender. A woman I know from work is a very nice person but she worked on a tunnel boring machine, worked on a road crew and knows how to operate construction equipment and she currently operates a business that repairs truck trailers. She did this because she separated from her husband but had kids to rase. Normally male jobs paid much more and she needed the money to take care of her kids.
On the other side the job of nurse or airline stewardess were once female jobs but are now done by both genders.

I am fading fast. It's near my bed time

Whats weird is i've had anxiety all my life but not depression. I was boyish all my life but there were spots it would show up for instance i wore a pony tail out on halloween because i couldnt get my ears pierced i was actually crying all night over not getting my ears pierced until my mom suggested a pony tail and i was like fine. I did my nails and i didn't know why but i was embarrassed to go out in public. I would cry a lot when certain triggers hit when i was younger and i felt i knew exactly why even though it was foggy. I felt that i was in the wrong gender before and now its back.

That is very important for your therapist to know. You were one who knew very young but the adults in your life didn't see the signs. You were uncomfortable being forced into the male role but you knew it was expected of you. You did what many of us do and pushed your girl aside and acted like a boy to make others happy. The problem with doing this is the girl side of you gets very unhappy and that is were your anxiety comes from. The depression is caused by the fact your body is going through puberty and developing as a male body. The hormones that do this seem to have a really bad effect on our brain and that causes depression. We seem to know that the problem is the male hormones and that we need female hormones or hormone blockers to make us feel better.
The triggers are nothing more than reminders that bring back memories or feelings that make us sad. For now you will be better off avoiding triggers as much as possible. Again, your therapist needs to know about your triggers because you need to deal with the feelings and memories behind the triggers.
You need to keep thinking tomorrow I get help and I can start on my journey to become a girl. I know it's going to be a little like waiting for christmas morning but you can do it.
I am going to be in and out today until late after noon so don't expect fast responses to your post. I won't forget about you and will check the computer when I am free. Try to be strong because it's not gong to be much longer before you get more help than I can give.

Overall before the major part of puberty i was ultra happy like no anxiety or depression until the major amounts of T kicked in i could actually feel it thats the weird thing.

Back for a very short time. No, it's not weird. It happens to many of us but is doesn't happen to CIS. CIS for the most part enjoy puberty.

The worst things possible were The deepening of the voice, shoulders broaden and body hair at first i liked my deeper voice but now i found out its a bad thing
And when i feel girlish i get so happy and snuggly and i also feel warm inside
Am i sure this isn't just a phase like weird. Im so scared that im not actually female.
I feel uncomfortable like im in an awkward postition

Sadly we feel your pain. I have very broad shoulders and I have to select what i wear carefully. Body hair, I was lucky being blond, most of what I had to deal with was a light beard. As for voice, I went many years with my voice giving me away and nobody told me. I tried to use a higher pitch but my voice is so low that I can't reach the proper range. I plan on getting voice surgery in the next month or two. The voice I will end up with will be a lower female voice but I think I will be happy with it. Karen Carpenter is my favorite singer and if the doctor could give me that voice I would be very happy. Unfortunately Karen's voice was very special and it's not possible to give person that voice. You have to be born with it.

I understand what you mean about feeling girlish but I now feel a little bit different about it. I tend to walk around with a smile on my face because I just feel happy to be alive. Even when I have to work on problems I am still happy. The girlish also comes out when I want it but it leaves me alone when I have something I need to do.

I keep telling you it's not a phase. Without treatment you will feel this way for the rest of you life. I didn't get good treatment until I was about 26 or 27 years old and I felt like you do without the anxiety pretty much all that time. The more you think about this the more uncomfortable you will feel. Please do something other than think about this. You would be better off if you could get away from the computer for a while and play out side or with somebody else.

I will need to be gone 3 hours because our family gets together at a restaurant  every so often for birthdays. The family won't know it but I will be celebrating my second birth date - the 23 is the day I had my surgery. Everybody else will think it's only for their first birthday.

Im afraid im just going insane im afraid i have psychosis.
When i go to a party im terrified im going to say something wrong or hurt someone accidentally help!?!?

take a few deep breaths...
relax...
think of something nice... a meadow in the sunshine... imagine being there...


better now ?

You won't harm anyone and there is nothing wrong with you other than you are hurting a lot. You need to stop worrying because tomorrow you will be able to talk to someone who can help you deal with what you are feeling. I don't think you are going to any parties between now and then. While we have a few bad apples, the rest of us are very nice people and try not to hurt others. Because you are worried about hurting somebody, you are the type of person who won't hurt somebody. The people who hurt other people don't worry about hurting other people.

So i was meant to be a girl from day 1?

Yes 

I like that but now im terrified for the therapist appt

You are a girl and just got the wrong body. We want to know how things go with the therapist tomorrow so let us know what happens and what you think.

Don't be afraid, they know all about this and can help you. It's the only way to make you feel better. We aren't doctors so all we can do is talk to you. They are doctors and have the tools needed to help you but as I said, the more you can tell them about how you feel, the faster treatment will go. Much of what they do now they didn't do when I transitioned so I only know the general idea of what they do today, but you can ask them about it tomorrow if you want to know more. In therapy, they want to know all about you but you can ask questions to learn about yourself and your treatment. If they don't answer your questions, let us know what happened and we will help you understand.

I would love to try purging... But it will be back?
I just need some time to think please. But it will be back right?

Look...
just go to your therapist and tell them... they are persons whose job it is to listen and support...
like a friend...
just talk to them...

it will be a relief afterwards...

Kelly I am where I can post again. You must not purge because it can be very bad for youy body. If you purge you need to stop and if you can't, talk to the therapist about it because you want to live a long life. The therapist are the only people who can help you so like Laura said, you need to work with them. Let us know how it turns out.

I need a new therapist :/ this one asks for like 500$ per i cant pay that.
Do you mind sharing where i can find a good therapist.
And btw i couldn't purge the triggers are still there and i still hurt when i get near the triggers.