Hi everyone, I'm 32 years old tomorrow & new to the forums and don't really have anyone to talk to besides my BF.  I told my BF (whom has a trans sister) about my feelings. He was very supportive, so I talked to my PCP and she gave me a referal to a Naturopathic Hormone Dr that specializes in transgendered folks. In the meantime I scheduled an immediate appointment with psychiatrist which I saw right away but he told me that he doesn't "specialize" in gender issues and to keep my appointment with the Naturopath.

After seeing the Dr and telling my story, (always liking girl stuff, crossdressing in my 20s, having a desire to have a female body, a couple suicide attempts) she started me on Estrodial & spironolactone. At first I couldn't wait to start, and I've been on my regimen for 5 days now.

I guess I'm a little confused, and while sexual identity and gender identity are different, I am concerned with a few issues such as being pansexual and possibly no longer having a functional penis (I have no plans for SRS at this point in time). Also, as this is a late transition, I wonder if living 32 years as a Male, if I shouldn't do anything at all and just accept the body that I have. I'm not disgusted with being a male, just believe I'll be happier in a woman's body. Maybe i'm just scared. Is it common to be really happy at first and then have fears popping up here and there? I'll be seeing my psychiatrist again in a few days. After just 5 days, my skin feels more sensitive, I'm more dehydrated & definitely a lot more emotional and have cried a few times from little things such as memories or music on the radio. I've done lots of research on transgender issues for many years and have been amazed with the medical reports such as physical brain changes in mass to the newly assigned physical gender at around 4 months and it's affects on the hypothalamus. As for my sexuality, i find trans people to be extremely attractive, yet I have only dated men and am very indifferent to homosexual pornography. What I'm trying to say is, maybe TMI, but I kind of imagine myself as a woman when I'm making love than as another male. Is this normal for any of your past experiences pre-transition?

I havve lots of anxiety, but my gay boyfriend really seems supportive and says he loves me and that he truly believes I should give this a shot. I know for a fact that he has little interest in women nor is he a ->-bleeped-<-, so I'm trying to absorb as much of his confidence as I can to ease my mind. I know that no matter what I can't make a mistake, and life is about taking chances. I mean, What's the worst case scenario if I don't have a medical related issue? I change my mind and am a male with breast growth and sterility (I don't think that would be the end of the world) so I wonder why I'm worrying so much.

A little backstory, I have the autoimmune disease Sarcoidosis and autonomic dysfunction in the form of Postural orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS).  Both predominantly Female ailments ironically. As my future is already up in the air, my poor health has motivated me to give this a chance just in case it's the only chance I have.




No Dosages Please

Also, I know that being passable isn't EVERYTHING, but do you folks think I'll look OK? Here's me without any makeup today. No electrolysis yet.

Hi Melody 

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Hugs

V M

Hi Melody, welcome to Susan's. I think you have great potential. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Dear Melody

Happy birthday!  I think your reasoning is good and lucid, though I will tell you that 32 does not make you a late starter.  Rather, it makes you a starter with good life experience and the ability to take appropriate decisions for yourself.

To some extent, starting on this road takes a leap of faith.  You can test some of these things in advance, but it does get to a point where you should feel a strong sense of commitment, at which time you take a calculated jump into space.  By "calculated" I mean that you've properly assessed the opportunity and its risks, and that you have a plan for all of it.

I think having fears and concerns is totally the right thing - you are changing your body, potentially in quite a fundamental way, and questioning where you are heading is important.   Like you, I didn't hate my body; I just knew that it should have been female.  However, you do get to a kind of "now or never" point, and you also get to a point where you know that are absolutely ready to transition.

As for your concerns about sexual function - it does vary.  In my case, for example, if I'm with a boy I find very attractive everything happens as it should, physiologically, but the rest of the time things are dead downstairs.

I think for many of us, imagining our true gender when we are making love is a key part of the motivation for moving forward.  Even when I was with women, my mind was always saying "You are a woman, your plumbing is totally wrong, and you want to be doing this with a man."   However it goes, one of the great totally secondary things about starting HRT is that it gives you the license to explore who you truly are, so use this moment, even if it's disconcerting at times.

Go celebrate!

Hugs
Julia 

Julia-Madrid,
Thanks For all the time you took to address my concerns. Thanks hon! 👍🏻

You're welcome 

Hi Melody
Welcome to Susan's, lovely to have you here.



Your picture suggests you do not have a lot of facial hair shadowing...
HRT Drives big changes and always effects individuals differently, but we all agree skin softness and easier to tear up are amongst the first hits (was for me... tear or cry so easily now)... also tenderness around the nipples after a few weeks.

I started HRT around 50... But I did know what I was doing and why, unlike others things I should have done and am about too! As far as who you imagine you are during love-making, yes I always imagined role reversal... Its common for many.

Deep inside you will know who you are or really should be, it seems that you have a supportive partner, which is good.

You seem to have the right motives, but working with a gender therapist would certainly help you work out in your mind about true identity... FWIW when I decided to go onto HRT I did accept the changes and knew there was no real path back, but age and emotional needs pushed me and they have never let up, however I will very soon cross the point of no more faking it that has been most of my life.

Anyway good luck for your journey and look forward to seeing you about the place.

L Katy 

The only time it is too late to start HRT is when you are on the wrong side of the grass.

HRT is also sort of a test. In my early twenties I twice experimented with transition. Twice those experiments stopped. Yet all throughout life I went on/off low dose HRT to get a sort of brain/emotional reset. A part of the reasons for stopping both the experiments and low-dose HRT was the effect it was having down stairs. I very much wanted a female's body yet I very much also wanted to be a "normal" guy. I was in serious relationships and things were starting to go dead downstairs just as much as things were becoming alive upstairs. I never hated the dangly bits, in fact we've had great times together with company over. That was always when I stopped.

HRT, IMO, has one all powerfull and important function in how it makes you feel, if it brings some peace. That was the one constant for me. That is what I finally decided to embrace this last time I started.

You are always allowed to change your mind, or to divert from the somewhat typical route of transition.

@JoanneB, during the times that you stopped, besides return of function does one's genetalia return back to maximum size/girth when functioning?


Also, my nipples are very sore and tender today.  My apologies if TMI, but my first physical change I've noticed! 🎉

I never lost any size untill now. But 3 months or 6 years, 20 something vs 50 something.... When I did low dose some times it was with an AA others w/o. I think the AA is the biggest factor w/size. My T has been down in the sub-basement range taking an AA. Even after 4 years of feminizing levels of E, w/o spiro my T was low normal. (OK... I now know I shouldn't have stopped the spiro )

Dear JoanneB, I plan on having facial electrolysys and have no "man" body hair on my chest or back or anything. Is there any need to continue taking spiro? My testosterone level was 500 before I started. Is there a magic number I should reach before discontinuation?

It is dependant on each person.

Is the number you quoted Total Testosterone? ng/dl which seems likely.. this may still be in the men's range then and in that case you'll still need Spiro.

Best to check with your Dr/Endo... they will have the latest expected guidelines.

L Katy 

My T level was 12 ng/dl last month. Before I went back on spire I was in the 300's, depressed, agitated and a major ass.

Thanks everyone, getting my T & E levels tested this morning at 7:30 & i'll report back with results. This morning at 9am will be my 11th dose of estrodial and my spirolactone which is now low because of dehydration problems from preexisting medical conditions.

Mod Edit: Sorry dosage information is not permitted

Sorry about the dosage information. I'm still kinda' scared but I guess I just need to have faith that things will work out for the best.

I have been totally surprised, time and time again, just how often "things work out for the best"