I lived a life of gender confusion for 68 years. I didn't know WHAT I was except that I was not a cisgender male. I finally accepted that I was a closet cross dresser, even though that didn't really fit either, but it was close enough... Then, less than a month before my 68th birthday I watched the now famous Jenner / Sawyer interview on 20/20. I cried my eyes out. Suddenly, all the pieces fell into place. I knew who I TRULY was, but was scared to death to move ahead. Then, 10 days later, a seven minute speech given at Toastmasters District 57 competition for the International Speech Contest hit me right in the gut. Suddenly, the pain of NOT being true to myself became unbearable. On my birthday I presented myself as female in public for the first time. Only once since then have I not left the house in skirts.
I am an Advanced Toastmaster. Three days after coming out a speaking slot opened up late in the evening for the meeting the next evening. I grabbed the spot, stayed up late crafting the speech I was going to give, and only went through two quick dry runs just before the meeting. The audience was riveted. You could hear a pin drop. They're full attention was on me as I gave the speech, which follows:
DEALING WITH THE BAGGAGE
Have you ever reached a point in your life where in your gut you KNEW you had to change direction? If you kept going as you were, things would be safe, and somewhat comfortable because it's familiar territory. BUT, in your heart something is pushing you to change direction, to take a chance, to face unknown dangers, to find peace.
Mr. Toastmaster, fellow Toastmasters, Honored guests... Let me tell you about a couple of friends of mine and their experiences.
District 57 has a world class speaker - James Jeffley. He was a finalist last year for the International Speech Contest. His speech this year is very powerful and poignant. He talks about his own crisis in dealing with an invisible line symbolized by Caution tape. He confessed that he is not being real. He is not being true to himself. He has decided to cut that tape and step through to the other side. He simply cannot live with NOT being true to himself any longer. James has his baggage, including the ramifications of the end of a 25 year marriage.
Then there is my friend Kim. Kim used to be Thomas. Kim reached the point where NOT being Kim was much more painful than the relative safety of being who the world knew her as – Thomas. The world is coming to know Kim with a lot of emotional support from her true friends and resistance from some family members. I am one of those giving her deep caring emotional support. Kim has her baggage. She is over 40 years old and forced to live with her parents, for now. They don't accept her "choice." She has been physically attacked.
So, I know about James. I know about Kim. But what about me? I recently discovered that same damn yellow caution tape. It happened a month ago today. I saw a video, an interview, that hit me right in the gut. [NOTE: From this point forward, the emotional outpourings begin to escalate.] The person's story had me bawling my eyes out over the pain they were suffering, and, because except for the names and a few other changes, if you talk about me... the story's the same one. I AM I said, I AM I cried. and I am lost and now I know why. Suddenly I knew the source of MY pain. But the fear of that line... Then I heard James Jeffley's speech on May 11 at Toastmaster Time TV... Instantly, the pain of NOT being true to myself was far greater than the years of pain not knowing what was causing it, and of the all the fear and potential danger of crossing that line... to be me.
Fellow Toastmasters, honored guests and Mr. Toastmaster. I officially crossed that line on my birthday, this past Thursday to be true to myself, to be me. Here is my baggage.
[Open suitcase. Put on skirt. While doing this, say "By the way, that video was Diane Sawyer's interview with Bruce Jenner". Now I return to my main spot in the speaking area and make the closing statement.] Hello. My name is Jennifer. My friends call me Jen. I hope you will be my friends. All I want in this world is love and acceptance.
Mr. Toastmaster.
Here is a link to Mr. Jeffley's speech. I was present during the recording session. I highly recommend that everyone watch this speech. It could change your life.
