My earliest memory of being trans came from an unlikely source.  When I was in the 3rd grade (around 1955) I happened to be reading a book in school wherein a young boy did something wrong.  The punishment assessed for his misdeed by the lady responsible for his care (a woman in a position of authority - possibly a teacher or a caregiver) was that he was forced to wear girls clothes. I truly believe that this was the trigger that released what lay dormant in my mind.  Soon after, this ignited a compulsion in me to try on my younger sister's dress at home in secret.  This was the spark that set this all in motion. Now for the "twist" As I matured sexually, I developed an ever present an overpowering obsession with thoughts of being dominated and punished by a woman because of my desire to be seen as a woman and dressing as one. It has taken me over 50 yrs. to fully understand this and face the guilt, shame and fear that I have endured for so long. I am at peace with myself now and no longer envision the women of my fantasies as oppressors.  I now know that the "oppressor" woman was really me struggling for freedom. She's finally free.  This is what life is really about.   

You know Joi, it was a shame we were brought up in the era in which we were. You mention guilt and shame. Yes we knew we were different when we were young, cross-dressing was certainly frowned upon. People back then didn't realize that transgender was just part of that great big rainbow we call the human experience. Now we understand more that yes, some people are born transgender and need to transition, others are cross-dressers. There is no need for guilt or shame. It is what it is. As for fear, fear is somewhat of an essential emotion, it keeps us safe and protects us from danger. Wish we could live without it, but growing up when we did it was a self-preservation technique. Hopefully as we grow into our golden years, we can also grow into our truer selves without fear and recrimination.

And as for what goes on behind closed doors, what two or more people choose to share, as long as they are hurting no one, there should be no shame about that either. There's a lot more wilder stuff that goes on in the world than you've mentioned.

Hugs hon,

Thanks Traci!  We are lucky to have survived as long as we have.  Yes, we grew up in an age of ignorance about trans issues. It is so refreshing to see and experience the changes in perception that we are witnessing today. 
Have a great day!
Hugz,
Joi

Joi, your story really hit me. Thanks for that, I needed it! I'm so happy you found freedom.

Sent from my GT-N8013 using Tapatalk

Hi Joi... Being born in the very early fifties, not long after WW2 was certainly trying times, depression, shortages and struggling to come to terms with what had transpired. However, by the time I was 4 I knew who I really should be, but no way of knowing what the differences were, I had no sisters, ever, and was not till I was 5 did I actually see the difference (sharing a bath with my only girl relative)... which subsequently kicked off many years of severe Dysphoria. But because of the times and despite asking why can't I be like her, and very quickly silenced, or even worse being told "oh its a phase, they'll grow out of it". I certainly did not, I learnt to hide it, but was always taunted.
Cross dressing over all these years was a relief to pent up frustrations, made me sad, but kept me sane.

Today I am still haunted by doing the wrong thing for those close to me, because for many years I had to fit in (tried hard that is) for so long! But, back in the nineties I realised that what I had felt for so long was a known fact, I was not the only one anymore! But by then I had a family to support and since then grandkids too.

So yes today I now feel released, even if I still can't quite fulfil that elation everyday, although very soon now.

And yes Traci so true I call it the "Dark Ages", because it was depressed and very unforgiving!

L Katy 

Gothic Dandy Luca: Glad it was relevant!  Have a great weekend. 

katrinaw: We are now entering a new age, we won't be able to enjoy it as much as the younger trans populations that are emerging now, but their courageous efforts will make things easier for us "older girls" methinks.

That is so true and I believe it will too...
But, but... I don't feel old, newly reborn, just a little older
And of course, we cannot forget the many trailblazers too, that have paved the way for us all.

Katy xx

Looking at your stories always make me wonder. I was born in 1951 putting me right in you age group and I had to live with my feelings for a much shorter period of time as I was a puberty kid. If I hadn't opted for treatment, I would not have seen age 24. I don't think my feeling were any stronger than your so it must be my coping skill were not up to the task of keeping my feelings contained. I can only imagine having to endure those feelings for 4 times as long as I did. I though it took a good deal of courage to transition when I did but I now think I took the easy way out.

**** TRIGGERING ****

Quote from: Dena on June 27, 2015, 12:09:41 AM
Looking at your stories always make me wonder. I was born in 1951 putting me right in you age group and I had to live with my feelings for a much shorter period of time as I was a puberty kid. If I hadn't opted for treatment, I would not have seen age 24. I don't think my feeling were any stronger than your so it must be my coping skill were not up to the task of keeping my feelings contained. I can only imagine having to endure those feelings for 4 times as long as I did. I though it took a good deal of courage to transition when I did but I now think I took the easy way out.

'53 (oops) in London

I did learn to cope and manage my emotions, I also always got totally absorbed in work life too, but the big thing; I had no idea how to make the change or even who to talk to, that would listen. As a child I had a terrible time with Dysphoria from about 5, right up till mid teens, then I just gave up and followed the bouncing ball. However, beyond that I always had very weepy episodes, crying nightly about why am I like this, but I want to change but can't... was awful, but the episodes passed as I threw myself harder and harder into work.... If I had known then what I know now, I would have pushed and screamed till I got what I wanted, and who knows what else I may have done.

TRIGGERING
One of the other key things was that I figured that why I got molested (umm twice) was because of my effeminate aurora, I managed to get away, was around ages 15 to 16, after that I was super careful on who to trust and also learned a little self defence... but above all, I tried very hard not to give off the wrong signals (self preservation). Even despite all of that, I was still always singled out, that never really stopped.

Katy xx