Ummm.. so I told the first person ever about how i think I want to be a man not a women last night. They are a person I know from a chat site who is very open about wanting to become a female. Well the other night out of no where I just started asking all these questions about how she knew when she knew and how her parents felt when she came out. In my head I was like why am I doing this? But then she nicely asked if I was just being curious or if there was anything more to it. That's when I realized that there was definitely a lot more to it. I broke down a little and told her all about how I've never felt comfortable as a girl.. I HATE girls clothes, I HATE having my hair long, I HATE everything about it and I'm just so sick of everybody telling me that's how I should be. Any ways she referred me to a site and then I met another lady there who gave me a lot of links to help me out and this was one of them. I dont know if im Transgender or just a weirdo I'm really confused v.v and don't know what to think..

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Hi poznetpunk, welcome to Susan's. The fact your questioning your gender is a good sign that you are. I would recommend a gender therapist next to help sort through all of this. You did just fine for your first post. Your among friends now. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good Luck and Hugs
Mariah

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Welcome to Susan's Poznetpunk

As Mariah said...

I think you'll find as you move around our forum's that you'll relate certain things in your life and have little eureka moments, but from what you are saying it seems to me as though you do have some Dysphoria about the way you look and have been trying to conform too. GID is a massive spectrum so it probably is worth working with a GID therapist that will help you and guide you to who you really are.

Anyways welcome and really look forward to seeing you around the forum's

L Katy xx

Welcome to Susan's Place. I don't think you are a weirdo because while your story is unlike any other I have heard, it has the ring of discomfort in your current role. We all come to the conclusion that we are different in different ways and at different times. The rules to the game here is the only person who can tell us what you want is you. It will take time to explore you feelings but in the end you will be happy with your decisions. There are a number of life style options available to you and this is a good place to explore them and almost every possible combination of people post here. I am just a plain old MTF post surgical and I am learning about things that were unknown when I transitioned. If there are any questions I can help you with, let me know.

Thank you everyone so much for all your kind replies and supportive words! The women who gave me the link for here also gave me a link with a list of gender therapist by state and there's one in my area. This may sound incredibly stupid, but I'm not sure if I can call quite yet. When I was looking at the women's website and thinking about calling to make an appointment I started shaking really bad. I couldn't do it the idea of saying  these thoughts out loud terrified me. I decided maybe baby steps would be good and came here. I'm not very good at emotional things and definitely not good at admitting when I'm scared but this is one time I am truly terrified. Please don't take it the wrong way, it's just there's no way my family would ever except this. They have always told me since I'm not a lesbian that me being uncomfortable with girls close and pretty much anything normal to girl was just a phase that I will grow out of. Well I'm 24 now and I still feel the same way. It's not only the clothing and the hair, a good majority of the time I feel uncomfortable in my own body. That's what really bothers me. Many things are starting to become more clear but a lot of things are also getting all jumbled up in my head too.

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It doesn't sound stupid at all. These phone calls are not easy. I know when I made these first phone calls it was extremely difficult to do, but I'm glad I made them in the end. When your ready, then you will be able to make them. It still probably won't be easy, but you will have the strength to follow through with it. For many of us we had to deal with the fact we were uncomfortable with our body all along which is why pre transition mirrors and pictures were something to avoid for me. You can never predict how people and especially families will react. I can only hope yours react positively. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

My advice to you is go to therapy first and become more comfortable with who you are. Worry about the family latter when you are more sure about what you will tell them. If for some reason they would know about your therapy visit, just tell them you have some issues to work out and if they push, tell them you are not ready to discuss it yet. We all have that fear of not being accepted by others and it often prevents us from resolving our personal issues. If you have a gender related therapist, they will not judge you and they will understand what is going through your mind because we all have had to face those same feelings. You see us as very well adjusted and comfortable in our role. What you don't see is the terror we had to face before we reached this point in our life.

You could have a look here for a few resources that might help you:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188309.msg1674885.html#msg1674885
Some things are for a mtf person so a few things might be the other way around (mens clothes for example).


hugs

Hi Poznetpunk 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

I know exactly what you mean where making the call is concerned. I was where you are just a few short months ago. I was terrified and I began groping around for any helping hand. Another forum I use had a thread where I was able to start talking about this and get support. That led me here where after a week or so feeling the strength and support of the folks here I was able to start trying to make appointments with a therapist. I absolutely hate phones,mthey are a major anxiety trigger, but I needed help. I spoke to a couple receptionists who told me the therapists they worked for were booked, via email. Then came one that I had to call...and the receptionist asked what I needed to see the therapist for...and I said..."gender issues"

That was the first time I said it outloud. To someone else, and it kinda helped that they were a faceless and disinterested stranger. The therapist situation didn't pan out for me but I did discover that my local lgbt clinic had a "Trans Health Advocate" and one could meet with this person without an appointment at a certain time each week.

Every time I took another little step I was feeling better and better so I went along to the clinic and on the verge of a panic attack told someone face to face that I neded to see the advocate. Waiting in those moments I hyperventilated but calmed myself and panicked some more. I was certain that I would be turned away. But I wasn't and I got to say it out loud to someone face to face. And she told me it would be ok and that she could help me...

It was the scarriest thing I had ever done. I got there not by rushing but by being patient. Now I am on a road that has so far helped me be happier than I ever have been.

You are doing the right things. Just listen to yourself and trust who you know yourself to be. It is ok, it is good. You are not alone!

Thank you for the great advice. I guess there's actually only a couple of people in my family that I'm really worried about, my mom and sister to be exact. The rest I feel will be accepting and if  not I won't care to much anyway. The ones that would be accepting happen to also be horrible gossipers so I still won't be able to tell them tell I'm ready for everyone to know. I looked into the cost of the therapist in my area.. that might be a bit of an issue since I don't have insurance. Also on the subject of my family knowing I'm in therapy actually won't be a problem due to the fact that I have severe anxiety problems so I have been in therapy off and on for years. Now that things have settled in a little bit I'm feeling much better. I came to the realization that this isn't something I have to figure out all at once which makes me feel much better.

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Quote from: Kellam on June 27, 2015, 11:46:08 AM
I know exactly what you mean where making the call is concerned. I was where you are just a few short months ago. I was terrified and I began groping around for any helping hand. Another forum I use had a thread where I was able to start talking about this and get support. That led me here where after a week or so feeling the strength and support of the folks here I was able to start trying to make appointments with a therapist. I absolutely hate phones,mthey are a major anxiety trigger, but I needed help. I spoke to a couple receptionists who told me the therapists they worked for were booked, via email. Then came one that I had to call...and the receptionist asked what I needed to see the therapist for...and I said..."gender issues"

That was the first time I said it outloud. To someone else, and it kinda helped that they were a faceless and disinterested stranger. The therapist situation didn't pan out for me but I did discover that my local lgbt clinic had a "Trans Health Advocate" and one could meet with this person without an appointment at a certain time each week.

Every time I took another little step I was feeling better and better so I went along to the clinic and on the verge of a panic attack told someone face to face that I neded to see the advocate. Waiting in those moments I hyperventilated but calmed myself and panicked some more. I was certain that I would be turned away. But I wasn't and I got to say it out loud to someone face to face. And she told me it would be ok and that she could help me...

It was the scarriest thing I had ever done. I got there not by rushing but by being patient. Now I am on a road that has so far helped me be happier than I ever have been.

You are doing the right things. Just listen to yourself and trust who you know yourself to be. It is ok, it is good. You are not alone!

Thank you so very much! It's more helpful then I would have ever imagined knowing that there's actually a lot of people going through and have gone through the same things. I think what scared me so much about this at first was the idea of having little to none support in this. Also thank you for bringing up the LGBT clinic, where I live we actually have a pretty big LGBT community and I'm sure they would have some things to help. I was wondering, since you said you to struggle with panic attacks and anxiety disorder, have you noticed a decrease in your attacks since you started dealing with your gender issues?

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Yes I have. Things are definitely better. I have even had a few moments where I only realized afterwards that I wouldn't have done what I just did in the past, that anxiety would have stopped me. I still have a lot to work on though. Unfamiliar social situations are my biggie. But just like with everything I am learning to take little steps, listen to my intuition and try to do what feels positive.

 I just was thinking about it and I can actually see why having gender identity problems could definitely have a huge part in my anxiety. Being uncomfortable causes anxiety and a lot of times I feel really uncomfortable especially when people are insisting that I dress girly and keep my hair long (like my ex for example). The times I have felt the most confident is when I'm dressed the way I like and have my hair the length I like. It makes it easier to talk to people when I feel like I look good, even though everyone says I look great "girly" I just don't feel that way.

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Exactly! My trouble has always been picturing myself at a gathering. I couldn't see any way for me to attend because if I did I would be seen as male and that would just be torture. That thinking infected every aspect of my life and left me panickey and on edge at all times. The smallest thing would startle me. Being more comfortable in my skin has taken some of that edge off. Hopefully with work as transition progresses I can do better still.

Family gatherings are the worst of all v.v I have a huge family that is very out spoken who are all convinced that I am a lesbian. When I've tried to explain to them that I'm not their only response is "well, if that's the case you need to start being more feminine. No man is going to love you if you look like a guy". Needless to say I avoid those at all cost and when I absolutely have to go it causes me horrible anxiety.

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That is so hard, I guess I am lucky to only have a small family. I know one of the hardest things for me about transtion just beyond coming out was the asserting myself bit. Asking everyone to respect my feelings and wishes is not something I am used to. I tend to stay at the back, try not to make trouble for others and let them get what they want even to my own detriment. That is no way to live. For me, finding a way to love myself, to respect myself was an important step. Seeing that it is ok, even good, to stand up for yourself, to make demands. I spent a lifetime putting other people first. The best part of transition is learning to put myself first once in a while.

You are not weirdo.

I know the first steps are frightening. I hung up the phone to schedule an intake 4 or 5 times. I would call and be 4 or 5 in line and when I was next I would hang up. I think the 6th time I hung on the phone.

The therapist I was recommended to did a phone interview of perspective clients. I remember when she called me back. I was cutting through a parking lot and I just stopped the car. We spoke for 10 minutes or maybe it was a lot longer. I kept thinking if she does not accept me as a client what I would do.

That was the beginning. I had gone up many steps since then and have many to go but I am on my way.

Good luck on your journey, welcome to Susan's and remember to breath.

Hey guys sorry for such a late reply just got off of work and it was a looonng haha. On the family subject like said I don't go anymore and I rarely talk to them much I'm really close with my direct family like my mom and siblings, grandparents and a couple of cousins and aunts but that about it now. My close family never really accepts my boyish style but tolerates it and doesn't really say to much about it anymore (partially because I started being a little girly to make them happy.

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And Cynthia I have no doubt I will hang up a few times XD there's no hurry though I'll get there when I'm ready I'm sure ^-^I looked up a little bit of stuff on the LGBT community where I live but they don't have a clinic anymore there's only groups. I don't think I'll be ready for that any time soon lmao

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